


The Piano Boy

by angela13



Category: TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Choi Soobin & Choi Yeonjun Are Best Friends, Choi Soobin/Huening Kai Fluff, Crushing, Fluff, Friendship/Love, High School, Humor, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Choi Beomgyu/Choi Yeonjun, Minor Violence, Pining, Sweetheart Huening Kai, tw in notes!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2020-07-29 17:20:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 44,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20085904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angela13/pseuds/angela13
Summary: Sounds of piano coming from when the cute boy plays it might be Soobin's favorite thing in the world.And once he meets the boy, he might just become his favorite person in the world.





	1. Denial

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS!
> 
> \- This work explores the subjects of LGBTQ+ youth and coming to terms with your sexuality.  
\- There isn't anything sexual in this work.  
\- Some subjects can be triggering. I will add explicit warning if there's ever need for any.  
\- Graphic violence (?)  
\- Use of homophobic language, slurs etc (censored!)

He looks over his shoulder. And then he looks to the side. His eyes wander to the back, and someone’s head is standing out. But it’s not his hair color. He’s in a white shirt. Nonetheless, his heart skips a beat.

He looks up to the street lamp. Sometimes he’d sit at the base of it with Yeonjun. Not that often, though, only in the latter days.

Kai sighs. He plays the last few notes and smiles for the applause he gets. He sits at the piano a little bit more, answers questions or praises from the people who stick around but eventually, they all leave. And once again, it’s empty.

He isn’t standing there. Maybe he isn’t interested in the lyrics anymore.

God, he should’ve given it to him earlier. Maybe he’d drop by sometimes to sing it. It’s too late now anyway.

He looks up to the star always visible even from the intensity of the city lights. He wonders if Soobin sees the same one, or maybe Soobin is too far away for that. Maybe there, his star is taking a nap.

* * *

_ONE YEAR EARLIER_

“I’m pansexual.”

Yeonjun’s shoulders tense even if he says it through a heavy exhale. Soobin leans in, blinking, and then straightens his back leaning back.

“That’s- that’s great.”

Yeonjun’s shoulders finally relax and he smiles. It’s like he is breathing again. It was a long few moments Soobin took. “Thank you! I really didn’t know how you would react. I couldn’t think of what to say, or how to say it. It took me _months_ to figure out who to tell first. You had the honor. I feel so much lighter now.” he laughs, maybe a little nervously but in relief.

“Uh. Okay, that’s amazing. Would you please… uhm. I’m not exactly sure what that means.”

Yeonjun’s smile drops into one of absolute contempt. Soobin tries to make an apologetic face but Yeonjun talks before, “It means I’m attracted to pans. To all pottery actually. Cutlery too.”

Soobin’s mouth makes a small ‘o’. Then he nods, very slowly. Yeonjun has been his best friends since forever. “I didn’t know there was a name for that.”

Yeonjun groans and falls back on the bed, exasperated. “I’m not attracted to fucking pots.” He sits back up, sighing deeply and hugging a pillow. “It means that I’m… sexually attracted to all genders. You know, female, male… Everyone, basically, I don’t care. I just care about the person, not what they call themselves, or what’s in their pants.”

“Ah!” Soobin nods, faster, finally understanding. “Well I didn’t know they had a name for that, too. Wait. You’re attracted to dudes too? You’re gay?”

Yeonjun looks deadly for a moment. Soobin thinks he’s gonna hit him. “I just told you I’m pansexual! What part did you not understand? Both boys and girls and everyone who doesn’t identify as one or who identifies as both, I don’t care!”

“Okay, okay,” Soobin raises his palms up in defense. “You don’t have to yell at me.”

Yeonjun sighs once again, examining Soobin’s face carefully. “I guess your reaction is better than I hoped for.”

Soobin feels the sting of it. “What do you mean by that? Did you think I would beat you?”

Yeonjun hesitates. He shrugs. “I don’t know,” he whispers. “How could I know what to expect? Do you? I mean, do you feel different?”

Soobin thinks about it. Yeonjun’s silver hair is styled on the side, he’s biting down on his lower lip – a habit he’s had since forever – and he’s hugging the pillow, just like he always does. The room feels different only because he himself is tired and the sidewall is freshly painted red.

“No. Do you feel different?”

Yeonjun lets go of his lip and replaces it with the nails of his right hand. Another bad habit. “Well, no. I mean, it’s who I am. I just needed time to realize since I’ve been taught to think that I’m only straight.”

Soobin blinks, thinking about it. He picked up the bad habit of biting his nails from Yeonjun – or maybe Yeonjun saw it from him. In any way, it’s been too long to stop. Maybe Yeonjun does have a point. No one ever offered him the option of being… pansexual, was it?

“So… did you ever have a crush on me?”

“Idiot,” Yeonjun spits, grabbing the cloth on the side and pressing it to Soobin’s forehead. He hisses. “That’s what you deserve.”

Soobin knows what he means. “Well how was I supposed to know what pansexual means? I’ve never met anyone pansexual.”

“Now you have. That asshole Junseo got you good,” Yeonjun comments, frowning at Soobin’s forehead and patting the wound lightly. “Maybe we should’ve taken you to the ER.”

Soobin works his knuckles a bit. They’re still sore. He hisses once again when Yeonjun presses but Yeonjun shushes him. “No, I’m feeling okay. It’s just a scratch.”

“At least he didn’t get your eye like last time. It was so awkward pretending we are buying foundation for your girlfriend who coincidentally has the exact skin tone as you.”

Soobin chuckles, but Yeonjun laughs even harder, getting a bandage to put over Soobin’s scratch.

“I had to pretend to see if it fits with sunglasses on,” Soobin adds and Yeonjun laughs even harder.

“All done,” Yeonjun says, still chuckling to himself and putting away the alcohol and bandages. “Maybe it’s better that we…”

“No, let’s go,” Soobin stands too quickly and gets dizzy – but he laughs it off. It happens a lot anyway, something about lack of iron in his blood or something like that. Harmless; he’s just supposed to drink some syrup. Yeonjun says it tastes well so Soobin’s mother wasn’t too thrilled when he needed a new bottle before he should have. “Let’s hurry, I wanna be there in time.”

* * *

They manage to squeeze in a few minutes to buy salted peanuts. He throws them in Yeonjun’s mouth as they walk. “What’re you gonna say to your mom about your forehead?”

“I fell. She’ll know, though.”

“Yeah,” Yeonjun says and catches another peanut with his mouth. “You not concerned we’ll see your best friends at the main square again?”

“They won’t do shit,” Soobin says, doubting his own words. They can already hear the sound of the piano. He stops suddenly. “He’s still got a song or two.”

Yeonjun frowns and listens carefully. “Yeah, bet. Why don’t we just go there and listen to the whole performance for once?”

“He’ll think I’m a stalker,” Soobin murmurs with his mouth full of peanuts. “Remember? Because we are here literally every day.”

“Nahh. I think you’re afraid of Junseo.”

Soobin gets offended so easily. He starts marching without a word, and hears Yeonjun laugh behind him and then run after him. “Come on. I’m joking. Let’s not cause any more problems.”

“Junseo can go fuck himself, you know. I don’t care about him. He can come at me any time he wants, any!”

“Okay. I’m not doubting you!” Yeonjun insists. “But I’m not in the mood to fight again. His friend wanted to hit me, too, you know.”

“No, he didn’t,” Soobin scoffs. “His friend held him like a pussy he is.”

“I tried to hold you back, too.”

“Did you?” Soobin laughs with a crooked eyebrow and Yeonjun laughs too, after a moment.

“Okay, you got me there. Maybe I did want to see someone punch his stupid face. Hey. He’s skipping the last song!”

Soobin stops, wide eyed, carefully listening and they both start running at the same time. The boy playing the piano at the main square usually has a different routine for each day. Yeonjun and Soobin got the hang of the last two songs for each day – the last song is always the same, and they can recognize the second to last.

They’re almost breathless when they exit one of the streets leading to the main square and reach the half-moon formation people have taken around the boy. He’s playing it – _that_ song.

He plays it every day. A soft, slow melody without any lyrics. They’ve sometimes heard him or his friend sing if they happen to be there at the start of performance or if they come too early. But Soobin is sure – he is sure more than in anything in this world – there _are_ lyrics. The song is beautiful, he knows, and he knows the lyrics are too.

No one who’s ever come to listen with him knows. He himself isn’t sure how he knows. He knows the lyrics, they are there, they exist and he knows he just needs a little, a small push. And he believes if he listens to it enough times, it will come to him. He know it will.

And today might be the day.

They stop by a lamp post, Soobin catching his breath wide eyed, chasing an opening to see the boy play. He holds onto the lamp post and holds his breath.

There he is. He looks like a kid, younger than Soobin for sure, a small smile on his face as he captivates the audience and looks into their eyes every once and then. He is somewhat cute, simply clothed and sometimes, Soobin wonders about his life.

Why is he there every night? Why does he play? What school he goes to, who is his family, who are his friends, what is driving him enough to be able to smile like that every day?

But then he remembers, he is here for the song. The melody plays softly, slowly and he can feel the next note coming a little before the boy plays it. It’s familiar not in a way when you hear something often and then you feel like you’ve known it forever. It’s familiar in a distant, old way, almost like from another life.

“Ahh, the music is so calming,” Yeonjun sighs, sitting down on the concrete, still warm from the sunset. He leans his chin on top of his knees and closes his eyes. “Just hurry up and remember the lyrics.”

“Easier said than done.”

“Maybe you’re just dumb.”

“Fuck off.”

Yeonjun smiles lightly and they’re silent for a part of the song. The ending is near. “Hey. Have you thought that maybe it doesn’t have the lyrics?”

“It does!” Soobin says, propping up to his toes to see the boy when a tall man moves. “I just can’t remember it, okay?”

“Well, he- the boy should know!” Yeonjun points to the crown around the boy vaguely. “He’s playing it!”

“I’m not gonna go up to a total stranger and ask him what’s the lyrics to a song. Besides, he seems busy. He probably goes to school and has schoolwork, and has to practice playing the piano and still comes here so often. I’m being _considerate_.”

“Yeah, right!” Yeonjun scoffs. “Fucking coward. You just think he’ll be afraid of you or worse.”

“Shut up, Yeonjun.” Soobin sighs and the song ends. There’s an applause, and he frowns at the people immediately leaving. “Should we go too?”

“Since you still have no idea what song that is…”

* * *

“Not my fault you overslept!” Yeonjun is yelling over the rain, his jacket brought up over his head, Soobin is soaking wet, but he is running.

The square is empty. Soobin sighs, running to stand under the side of a roof. It doesn’t cover them much from the rain. Despite the jacket, Yeonjun’s hair is dripping wet, too.

“Told you he wouldn’t play in this rain,” Yeonjun says, shaking his head and getting it all over Soobin.

“How should’ve I known, the piano has a cover.”

The piano stands there as a part of an old restaurant. It’s in front of it, and the nice wooden roof that protects from the rain and sun customers who wish to eat outside also spreads over the piano. The piano looks even older than the restaurant. Soobin’s not sure he’s ever seen anyone eat in there.

“Whatever, give me the peanuts,” Yeonjun says, shoving his hands in Soobin’s pockets himself and Soobin fights him for a moment before letting him know that he put the peanuts in his back pocket. That doesn’t stop Yeonjun from reaching there and while they bicker over the peanuts and who’s going to get to eat more this time-

“I’m not playing today. The storm is coming.”

They both stop and look up. That’s him. The boy who plays the piano. He standing there in front of them under an umbrella, taller than Soobin ever thought he’d be. He’s not quite smiling but his face is kind and before Soobin can think of anything to say, he’s running once again in the rain.

It takes him a moment to realize Yeonjun’s holding his hand, dragging him along to run and they run, and run, until they’ve finally ran away. They stop under a bus stop, breathy and lost and Yeonjun starts laughing. Soobin follows, but he’s not quite sure why they’re laughing.

It’s funny. It kind of is; the way they just ran without saying anything but…

“Why the hell did we do that?”

“I don’t know,” Yeonjun says through the laughter, leaning on the back of the stop. “I just.” He swallows hard, like he’s catching his breath. “I just thought you wouldn’t say anything. You were so adamant in not meeting him or ever talking to him or… or letting him ever see you and he just-”

“Do you think he knows we are there all the time?”

“I can’t tell if he knows me, but he knows you for sure.”

“Fuck,” Soobin whispers, smoothing his hair back. He feels the water slide down his back. “Do oyu think he knows who we are?”

“Who doesn’t know you?” Yeonjun retorts but stops to think. “I don’t know. Maybe that’s why he talked to us. He looks younger, he’s just a kid.”

“Nah,” Soobin shakes his head. “He looks older from up close. He’s taller than you.”

Yeonjun pouts for a moment. “I don’t know,” he laughs again. “We’ll go next time when the storm is over. Wanna sleep over tonight? I need to tell you about this guy I’ve been texting.”

“You… what?”

* * *

The thing is, Yeonjun always lived an hour outside the city. It’s a small place, with the maximum of fifty thousand people and everyone knows everyone. Still, before his parents divorced, Yeonjun lived outside the city and they only met in high school. Now that his parents live separately, when he comes back from college, he’s close to Soobin, staying with his father.

Apparently, Yeonjun found over a gay dating app and they want to meet “irl” soon. His online name is Beom and he says he’s younger than Yeonjun, but Yeonjun is being sceptic. Yeonjun isn’t sure about meeting someone in real life because he’s feeling anxious, but Soobin doesn’t trust that Beom guy.

“Why are you even using a gay dating app?” Soobin asks and missed Yeonjun’s mouth when he throws a peanut.

“Because I want to try dating guys.”

Soobin hesitates before he asks, “Are you afraid?”

“Yeah!” Yeonjun says without missing a beat. “Dead afraid. Imagine if Junseo or someone from his gang saw me with a dude. You’d be scraping me off the pavement.”

“Don’t say that,” Soobin’s voice is a shade louder than a whisper, but the words get to him. He never thought about it that much. He ducks his head biting on a peanut.

“Well, it’s true,” Yeonjun shrugs but Soobin can tell he’s not indifferent. It’s bothering him. Soobin turns back from where he’s sitting to a group of rough looking, too loud guys. One of them is the Junseo Yeonjun mentioned and the rest were his friends.

He was pretty sure Junseo wasn’t even the leader of that group, but he was the most annoying one. He had it out for Soobin, that’s for sure.

“I want to go there and punch his ugly face. Like, a precaution.”

Yeonjun laughs. “That’s so nice of you.”

“I’m always nice. He’s starting,” he says and Yeonjun turns back to see the piano boy sit there. His friend is leaning on the piano, saying something and the boy nods. The second piano boy’s friend makes eye contact with them, they turn away too fast, too obvious. “Jesus. They must think we’re weird as fuck.”

“Doesn’t everyone?” Yeonjun mumbles. “That’s another thing. What if I meet Beom and like, he knows who we are? He’d leave me immediately.”

“Probably,” Soobin agrees but regrets it. Yeonjun was looking for words of comfort. “So, you think that Beom guy is interested in you? Like, to date you?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. What’s worse, most people here are just looking for sex.”

Soobin almost chokes on a nut.

“I’m serious, don’t laugh. Literally, when you log in, you have an option to choose top or bottom. Or versatile.”

“So what did you choose?”

“None!” Yeonjun yells and pushes him with his foot. “I’m not- I’m just looking for dating, okay? Don’t be weird.”

“Okay,” Soobin innocently raises his palms up. He frowns then. “Hey, so does this mean you’re allowed to use the… you know. The f word.”

It takes Yeonjun a few moments to realize. “Oh. I don’t know. I think it does? But I’m not sure if it’s limited only to gay guys.”

“I mean. It’s used to belittle guys who like dudes, so that would include you…”

“Mmhgm,” Yeonjun frowns harder and grunts, getting his phone out. “I’m not sure. That makes sense, though. Maybe we should google that.”

“Yes, it’s better to be sure. It’d be so wicked. You’d give me a pass of saying it to you, right?”

Yeonjun looks at him annoyed over the phone. “I wouldn’t give you a glass of water if you were dying in a desert, don’t get ahead of yourself.”

“But we are friends.”

“That doesn’t change anything,” Yeonjun says. “You’re still straight.” When Soobin doesn’t say anything, Yeonjun teases, “Right?”

“No, actually. You have awaken the gay in me. Please, date me, Yeonjun. I think you’re so hot.” His tone is too monotone and Yeonjun laughs, putting the phone back to his pocket.

“If you were gay, I’d totally date you. Not because I like you, but because I’d feel sorry for you.”

“Fuck off,” Soobin finds himself offended. “What’s wrong with me? I’m totally datable. For girls.”

“Yeah, when you get over your little crush on the piano boy, maybe I’d believe you.” Yeonjun is joking and he laughs, Soobin follows but he finds himself suddenly blank. His mind blank. He’s been thinking about how it feels for Yeonjun to be attracted to other boys, too, but he never reflected that on himself. But Yeonjun saying that suddenly got a quick thought of him having a boy crush and he just-

“You’re kidding, right?”

Yeonjun frowns, then chuckles carefully. “Sure I am. Soobin, it was just- it’s a joke, a gay joke, I didn’t mean to offend you or make you feel like…”

Now he feels like shit. He’s supposed to be a friend and make his friend feel free to talk about whatever he is. now he just feels like he lost a part of Yeonjun’s trust. So he cuts him off by changing the subject.

“Anyway, I’m not letting you meet that Beom guy by yourself. Does he live close?”

One of the Junseo’s guys yells something at them. They both look their way and at Junseo showing a middle finger up and Soobin is already frustrated. He hasn’t punched anyone in weeks – they made a small pause in seeing the piano boy since they embarrassed themselves like that – and Junseo is asking for it.

“On a scale from one to Junseo, how problematic would it be if I just got up and went there to punch him?”

Yeonjun tilts his head, annoyed. “Don’t do that. Just ignore him, please, at least until Kai is done with playing.”

Yeonjun shuts up real quick and stuffs his mouth with peanuts, and Soobin straightens up his back, turning one ear closer to Yeonjun. “The… who?”

“Mhmm, you…” Yeonjun mumbles something incomprehensible and pretends that he needs the time to chew. Soobin pretends he’s about to hit him and Yeonjun swallows before he should have. “Okay, okay. I was looking through some things online, like online yearbooks and stuff and… I happened to come across him.”

“You were looking for him? After I explicitly told you we aren’t going to do that?”

“No! I mean, yeah, but no. I was looking for Beom and I just decided it’s not fair to know his identity if he doesn’t want me to, so I… directed the search in a different, you know, direction.”

Soobin stands up, genuinely distressed. “So… you know his name? Kai?”

This was the last thing he needed. It’s not a big deal, he’s aware of it, but it was a silent and meaningful promise he’s made to himself. He just didn’t want to know anything, it would be easier to just know the song and that’s it. The song should’ve stayed the only connection.

“Yes, listen to this!” Yeonjun stands up quickly, excited. “His name is Kai, and he is sixteen or seventeen, goes to the main high school here. His full name is weird, it’s Huening or something.”

“Huening?” Soobin carefully repeats.

“Yes, he might be mixed or something. I mean, I don’t know anything much but we could look up his social media and-”

“No!” Soobin cuts him, “No social media, no anything, we can’t-”

“I’m gonna do it.” Yeonjun is looking straight into Soobin’s eyes, defying him on purpose as he takes his phone once again, and looks down to start typing. Soobin jumps onto him, trying to take his phone away, but Yeonjun fights back and tries to hide away the phone.

“I will look him up anyway!”

“Not if I break your fucking phone!”

Yeonjun tries to bring him to the floor with one leg and Soobin tries to do the same yelling at Yeonjun to give him his phone while Yeonjun reasons it’s his personal property that he paid for with his own money, and maybe Soobin calls him a bastard, and maybe Yeonjun calls Soobin a motherfucker. But suddenly Soobin is being weakened but the hands pulling him back and freeing Yeonjun while yelling, “Hey, hey, stop it!”

Yeonjun offers him a sneaky smile while Soobin tries to realize what’s going on, and Yeonjun runs, waving his phone in victory.

“Come back, you little motherfucking-”

“Blow me!” Yeonjun yells back and runs, leaving flustered and pissed Soobin nothing but to look back with fiery eyes at the perpetrator behind him. He’s still holding him by his underarms trying to hold him back.

“Calm down!” He tells him and Soobin wrests his arms back. Of all people… Of all people.

“What do you want?!” Soobin abruptly asks, and looks after Yeonjun once again. He’s lost him. “He’s _dead_ the next time I see him.”

“Please, calm down,” the piano boy speaks again. His voice is sweet, kind of cute. “You’re always fighting. Please don’t do anything to that boy. Was that your phone?”

“No, it’s his. Wait,” Soobin puts a distance between them extending his palms ahead. “What do you mean always fighting?”

“You’re always brawling with someone. You’re scaring away my audience.”

Soobin looks back to the piano. It’s empty. No one is sitting there; no one is waiting for the boy to play. There’s a lone old man smoking a cigarette and reading newspaper at the front table.

“Please promise me you won’t do anything to that guy,” the boy repeats.

“I will kill him, if that’s what you mean.”

“Oh, no. Where is your friend? The one who you ran away with the other day?”

Soobin feels ashamed the second he says that. He wants to run away right now. “That’s- that’s him. That’s my best friend. Did you think- did you think we were fighting for real?”

The boy blinks a few times, taken aback. “Sure looked like it.”

“Oh. No. He was just being an asshole.”

The boy laughs, shyly, scratching the back of his neck. Soobin finds it endearing for a moment.

“Oh,” he lets out. “I’m sorry. I probably didn’t recognize him. Sorry. I shouldn’t have meddled. I’m gonna go back- to the- to the restaurant-” He swallows hard in embarrassment, already walking backwards. He wants to run away and Soobin wants to laugh at him. “If you ever want to, uhm, eat there or something. Um. You’re welcome. In the restaurant, I mean. It’s affordable and uh… Yeah. See you around.”

He doesn’t say anything as he watches Kai walk away, embarrassed, and Soobin feels him. He feels embarrassed, too. Yeonjun always puts him in this situation. It’s all Yeonjun’s fault. And Soobin’s stuff is still at Yeonjun’s place, so he better head out there.

He throws one last glance at Junseo and his friends, frowning at the thought they looked like they watched it all unfold. Junseo’s jeering stare haunts him as he walks back. They really need to get a hobby.

* * *

“Are we finally going to speak to him? Oh, my god. I am so excited,” Yeonjun keeps jumping in place as they hide away before the last song. They’re just around the corner, not able to see Kai playing, but the song is second to last.

“No, _you_ are going to speak to him and apologize that we ran away,” Soobin tells him and Yeonjun stops jumping, annoyed.

“Why me? You ran away, too. I didn’t make you.”

“I already talked to him, so now it’s your turn.”

“You’re just a fucking child.”

“Bite me.”

“Okay, okay! Let’s just go,” Yeonjun says. Soobin fixes the collar of his jacket, and they try to act normal, casually walking up to the crowd and standing somewhere in the back. “This is not fair, I can’t see anything.”

“You’re not supposed to see, you need to listen,” Soobin retorts.

“_You_ need to listen! I wanna see,” he whispers and props up his neck in both ways, trying to see better. “Let’s just come in closer.”

“No,” Soobin stops him, pulling him back. “We will wait for him to finish the performance.”

He is kind of nervous, and he doesn’t pay much attention, not even to the last song. Yeonjun is bored while people stay after to ask Kai questions, but finally, they all leave. Kai is sitting on his chair, a small, close-mouthed smile on his face as he looks over to Soobin and Yeonjun.

“Hi!” Yeonjun is the first one to speak, coming closer to Kai.

“Hello. Did you enjoy the performance?” Kai asks. He’s so polite, Soobin wants to punch him.

“Yes, very. Especially the last song, do you happen to know-”

Soobin hits Yeonjun’s ribs, giving him a warning look. Yeonjun sighs, “You’re very talented.”

“Thank you,” Kai smiles widely.

“Look, we wanted to apologize. For, well, running away that one time and for the other day, when we fought…”

Kai frowns, “What do you mean, “That one time”?”

Soobin frowns, blinking. “When it was raining.”

Kai scratches his head, “I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about.”

Yeonjun and Soobin exchange looks. “You know,” Soobin starts. “It was raining and you came up to us, and you said something and we, um, ran away. Started running and all. Without telling you any… thing.”

He stops when he sees Kai holding back his laughter and a mischievous sparkle in his eyes. Yeonjun laughs when he realizes.

“It’s okay. I don’t really get why you ran away, I just wanted to offer you an umbrella.”

Soobin feels worse than he already did. “That’s- We didn’t need one.”

“Asshole,” Yeonjun tells him. “Thank you, Kai, that’s very nice of you. We just wanted to apologize; it was a shitty thing to do.”

“And you know my name! That’s great,” Kai smiles and Soobin wants to hit Yeonjun once again while he awkwardly laughs. “Do you boys want to come in for a drink?” He points to the entrance of the restaurant. It’s already late; the lights are dim and a few people are sitting outside.

“Hey, I have some business to attend to, but Soobin would love to!” Yeonjun says, nudging Soobin forward. Soobin wants to kill him with a look, but Yeonjun widens his eyes as a counter attack telling him it’s the perfect opportunity to ask Kai for the lyrics.

Kai smiles and Soobin is left with no other option but to smile back. Yeonjun is gone in a blink and Kai is standing up. He really is tall.

“You can sit anywhere. Let me get us something to drink. What would you like?”

Alcohol. But Kai seems so sweet, Soobin wonders if that’s a good choice. “Anything.”

Kai chuckles, “Okay. Give me a minute.”

He’s back with two refreshing drinks with ice and he sits next to Soobin even though there are three vacant chairs including one across Soobin was where Soobin had practiced looking at. Now he doesn’t know what to say.

“So, what’s your name?”

If he’s asking for his name, he must not know who he is. Yeonjun was wrong. “Soobin.”

“Oh, as in Choi Soobin?” He asks. His facial expression doesn’t change, he still looks cheerful and content. Not many people keep their composure.

“Yeah.”

“So you’re basically a local celebrity.”

He’s approaching it with ease, and Soobin wants to say thank you. Not many people do that and he doesn’t know how to react. He laughs fiddling with the glass.

“Nice way to put it.”

Kai smiles. The silence is awkward for a moment as Kai sips on his drink. “Are you interested in the piano?”

“Not particularly. Cool that you can, you know. Play it.”

“Yes, I’ve been playing since I was four.”

Soobin’s eyes go wide and he nods, impressed. He always hears kids starting to do something from a young age and he wonders why his parents never made him do anything. Not even a foreign language. He learned English and Japanese on his own.

“Aren’t you hot?”

Soobin opens his mouth and looks down on his leather jacket. He shrugs. “Not really. I don’t like the cold, I like being warm at all times.”

“But it’s a nice summer evening and you’re wearing a leather jacket,” Kai notices. “It looks good on you, but you can look cool without it, too.”

Soobin scoffs with a smile. “You think I wear the jacket because I want to look cool? If I wanted to look cool, I’d just play the piano every night.”

Kai opens his mouth in surprise and laughs, looking away and Soobin barely contains in his own surprise. The hell was that?

“Thank you,” Kai says, unaware of how much Soobin wants to run away right now. “I have a theory on why you wear your cool jacket all the time.” He sneaks a look at Soobin, ready to tease, now playing with a small, empty ashtray.

“I’m all ears.”

“It’s so when you fight those boys their hits would hurt less.” He says it and looks up at Soobin only after a moment. Soobin isn’t sure how to react.

“That’s a good theory, Kai. Unfortunately, incorrect. I’m just often cold and it would need to be really hot for me to be bothered by it. That’s all there is to it.”

“If you say so,” Kai says. “Soobin.”

The next silence isn’t as uncomfortable but Soobin wonders if Kai thinks it is. He’s not sure whether he wants to talk more or to keep quiet. When he can’t hold it in anymore, he sticks to the basics.

“So, you get paid for playing?”

“Sometimes, yeah,” Kai nods. “I don’t ask for it. I like to be here. Help out sometimes.”

“That’s nice,” Soobin nods. “What about school?”

“What about it?”

“Doesn’t being here almost every day take too much of your time you should commit to, I don’t know, studying and homework.”

Kai looks at like he knows something he doesn’t. He smiles. “Glad to know I have loyal audience who know how much time I spend here.”

Soobin goes shy. He doesn’t like being exposed.

“But no,” Kai goes back to lean in the chair. “I like being here so I make time. Not crazy about school or school activities either so…”

“Yeah,” Soobin nods.

“Are you going to college now?” Kai asks. “I guess you’re older than me.”

“Ah… No. Yeonjun is already attending but I’m not sure about all that stuff, yet. I guess I’m… doing a break year or however you wanna call it.”

Kai nods; seems like he’s talking about it. “Well, the restaurant always needs help if you’d be interested in a job. Or part-time job.”

Soobin turns back to look at the old doors. There’s a small paper with open hours sticking to them.

“I mean… the pay isn’t much. But the business is slow.”

“Do you- do you work here, too? Like, something else than playing?” Soobin asks. Kai did say he helps out but he wasn’t sure what he meant by that.

“Not many people want to work here, so sometimes after I play I help them clean or... stuff like that, yeah. The food is delicious, I love when they give me free food because, well, it’s free food.”

Soobin smiles, “I’ll think about it. Oh. Want some peanuts?” He gets a small bag out of his pocket.

Kai waves his hand right away, “I’m allergic.”

“Oh. Too bad.”

* * *

“I still can’t believe you didn’t ask him the lyrics,” Yeonjun whines. He’s texting Beom, they are stalking people’s social media and lying on Yeonjun’s bed. It’s hot and the air is heavy. It’s the end of July and the weather keeps getting hotter and hotter.

Yeonjun’s taken off his shirt a long time ago and he has pushed Soobin away from him multiple times because “his body warmth makes him even more hot”. But he keeps the display so close to his face and Soobin wants to see their text messages.

“I told you the conversation flowed in another direction, it wasn’t my fault. Come on, what is Beom saying?”

“He’s free this Saturday,” Yeonjun reads the message. His fingers hover over the keyboard as he bites his lip. “I’m afraid.”

“I mean,” Soobin tries, “At least we know he’s not some old hairy dude looking for a nice obedient bottom.”

He smiles when Yeonjun laughs. He seems to ease up. That was some dude that texted Yeonjun and Yeonjun politely declined. The hairy dude took it surprisingly well.

“If you don’t think you can date him, maybe you guys will be friends. I mean, you said you have a lot in common. Maybe you make a friend. Or at least you’ll see if you’re ready to date a guy.”

“I know, but still,” Yeonjun sighs. The doors to the basement where it’s the coldest and where Yeonjun’s staying open. “Get out!” He yells without checking who it is.

His little sister – a year or two younger than them – comes in regardless.

“It’s so hot,” she whines. Yeonjun clumsily exists the dating app as she jumps between them on the bed. “What are you boys doing?”

“Nothing!” Yeonjun looks so suspicious even Soobin rolls his eyes.

“Come on, let me see. Who is that? Who are you stalking? Is it some college girl? Yeonjun! Let me s- why are you stalking that kid Kai?” She asks, a little disappointed.

Yeonjun shares a glance with Soobin before looking back at her. “You know him?”

Her face is down as she stares at Yeonjun’s phone and Kai’s photo. She slowly hands the phone back to Yeonjun. “He goes to my school.”

“Oh, right!” Yeonjun remembers. “Are you friends?”

“Well. No.” She thinks about what to say. “I do feel sorry for the kid. That’s why you were looking at his profile, right? You friends know about him?”

“What do you mean? Know what?” Soobin asks, sitting back up already disconcerted.

“Well, I mean, I don’t know.” She looks like she wants to say it, but she sucks her shoulders in and looks uncomfortable. “He just comes to school and tries to be invisible but the older boys… and some girls. I mean, you know how people are.”

“I don’t understand. Do they bully him?” Yeonjun asks. Soobin feels a rush of blood in his fists. Junseo went to the same school and some of his friends still do.

Yeonjun’s sister just nods, looking down. “I feel bad not doing anything, but I can’t do anything to help. And if I ever said anything to anyone and it got out, they would just do the same to me. And I have two more years of high school to survive.”

“Hey, baby, it’s okay,” Yeonjun puts a hand on her shoulder and pats the side of her head. “Do you know who those people are?”

“No, Yeonjun!” She yells, slapping away his hand. “If I tell you, then you and Soobin will go beat them up and then it’s all on me again.”

Yeonjun wants to say something but Soobin stops him. “It’s Junseo and the rest, right? I beat him up all the time anyway.”

“Yeah? Nice bruise you’re sporting there,” she points at Soobin’s head. He gets offended because it’s almost completely gone. “Asshole. I’m not telling you anything. I’m just a small girl and I can’t fight back. Anyway,” she puts her hair behind her ears, “Kai. I mean, he seems sweet and all. But it’s…”

“Why do they do that to him?” Yeonjun asks, frowning. It does leave a bad taste in your mouth.

“They…” She shakes her head. “It’s completely stupid. They call him names, and slurs, tell everyone he’s, you know. _Gay_.” Her voice goes a note above silent when she says the word. It’s silent. Yeonjun sucks in air through his nose, afraid and Soobin wants to ask him if he’s fine but he doesn’t. “As I said, it’s stupid, accusing someone like that and honestly I think they’re just looking for a way to bully him and…” She tried to make it seem lesser than it is, but her voice goes down again. “They broke his fingers one time.”

“What?!” Both Yeonjun and Soobin yell at the same time and Soobin can’t sit still. He’s standing up, already walking aimlessly for a moment before looking back at her.

“It’s just a rumor. He was wearing a cast or bandages over his hand, I’m not sure. He still plays; it couldn’t have been that serious.”

“Fucking hell,” Yeonjun mumbles, unable to say anything more.

“That’s a serious accusation,” Soobin says. “Shouldn’t there something been done if that was the case?”

Yeonjun’s sister shrugs. “That’s all I know. And it’s a rumor. They just do that in school, like call out to him and stuff, but if they want to go the extra mile, they… don’t do it on the school grounds. That’s punishable.”

“Hey, thank you for telling us,” Yeonjun says. “Now leave for real. You’re one extra body heat in here and a mood killer. Scrape.”

“Asshole,” she mumbles and yells it once more before she runs out and closes the door. The silence is deafening. Yeonjun is biting his nails, and looks like he’s forgotten Soobin is even there. He’s panicking.

And on the other side, Soobin clenches his fist and punches the newly painted red wall.

* * *

“Hey!” Soobin runs to Kai before he starts playing. Kai blinks two times in his direction, surprised that Soobin is already there. “You finish in about an hour, right? Wanna hang out later?”

He feels freer now that he knows more about Kai. It could be a protection instinct or something, but he just feels like he’s more content if he’s next to him. Especially since it’s a summer evening, and all groups of kids there are hang out there every day. It’s a small place, there’s not much else to do.

“Oh, hey. Soobin. You’re already here?”

Soobin frowns, leaning onto the piano, curiously looking down on the keys as Kai reveals them. “What do you mean already?”

“You usually stop by at the end.”

Soobin looks at him and squeezes his eyes. “You had a lot to say about me knowing how much you’re here, and yet you know the exact time I come. Just say you’re…” _in love with me and go_. he stops before he says it without thinking. He clears his throat. “Anyway, you want to or not? Yeonjun is meeting a friend of his and I have nothing to do.”

Kai laughs. “I’m your last resort?”

“Yeah.”

“Meanie,” Kai teases and turns around just in time for the boy Soobin’s seen with Kai often come out the restaurant. He smiles when he sees Kai and makes his way over. “Hey, this is Soobin.”

“Ah, yeah, the guy who’s never too hot,” the boy smiles and offers a hand to Soobin, “I’m Taehyun.”

“Soobin,” he says. Maybe Kai already had plans.

“I’m gonna go home now. Take care,” Taehyun says to Kai and gently pats his shoulder. “Oh, the old man said he’s probably gonna need you later tonight to help clean the kitchen.”

“Okay, thanks. Take care,” Kai says and Taehyun turns back one last time to smile before he runs. “He’s always late for his bus,” he explains. “What did you want to do?”

That’s not how far ahead Soobin’s thought this through. He shrugs, desperately trying to think of something fun. He has fun with Yeonjun always, but all he and Yeonjun do is eat peanuts, gossip and laze around.

“Just hang out,” Soobin says. Kai chuckles and nods.

“As soon as I finish, alright?”

* * *

The melody is familiar in the same way as before, and Soobin gets a weird feeling in his stomach. It’s such a nice song. He sometimes fears he wouldn’t like the lyrics. But… he will get it. He will like it for sure. Especially if Kai sings it.

He has a pretty voice, but Soobin pretends to do something on his phone when he sings the songs before the last. He feels weird; what is Kai catches him staring while he sings? That’s weird.

He wonders why Kai doesn’t sing the last song. And a part of him fears that maybe not even Kai knows the lyrics.

When he’s done, he doesn’t stay to talk to people or even to speak to Soobin. He just runs back in to the restaurant and Soobin stands there, lost. But faster than he runs in, he’s running out. He stops right in front of Soobin, carrying a thin jacket in his arms.

“Let’s go.” He looks excited, in a pure kind of way. It’s cute and refreshing and makes Soobin laugh.

“Okay, let’s go buy you something else to snack,” Soobin says, getting out his small bag of peanuts. “Unless you wanna risk dying?”

“No, thank you,” Kai shakes his head. “I like gummy bears.”

Cute. “I don’t,” Soobin says and Kai looks disappointed. “I mean, it’s tasty, but because of the way they are you can never chew them enough and your body can’t process them the right way so it stays.”

Kai frowns and then laughs. “Are you giving me a health lecture?”

“What? No, it’s just- you should know that. It’s just- you gotta take care of yourself, you know.”

Kai laughs again, this time louder. “I never thought I’d be getting health advice from Choi Soobin. Don’t worry, I got this.”

Soobin stands in front of the store while Kai buys himself gummy bears. He looks around as he eats the peanuts and sees the familiar group of boys looking his way. Junseo is not there, but the rest are. He looks around just in case he can’t see Junseo, but Yeonjun heard he has a girlfriend now so he might be somewhere close with her.

The thought of some of those guys doing something to Kai gets a lump in his throat and his fists start to hurt. Maybe he should walk by them with Kai to see if anyone is going to say anything. Not many of them would dare in front of Soobin, but they still might want to provoke him.

Yeonjun is not here, but meeting a friend from high school and Soobin feels a little less safe to just walk by with Kai. Kai comes out, waving his gummy bears like a kid and even jumps over the lone two stairs in front of the store. “Let’s go!”

He turns to walk the way to the park Soobin suggested earlier, but he stops only for a moment. He continues to walk with his head down and tries to say something, but Soobin pulls him back by his elbow. “Let’s walk by the river there.”

“Oh. Okay.”

The pedestrian path by the river bank is always full of people in the evening, but it’s nice. The cold wind blowing from the river shuts down the evening summer heat and Kai puts on his jacket, too. Soobin suggests they sit on the side wall to the river bank, and they aren’t the only ones.

“So, how long have you been playing on the main square?”

“A long time,” Kai says, trying to remember. “Since I was fourteen I think. It was never this often. I only started being a regular this year.”

“Oh. I really like the… the last song.” His heart actually starts beating faster. He wonders why it even means that much to him. It’s just a song.

“Is that why you always come in the end?” Kai asks, his mouth full of gummy bears.

Soobin gets shy again. “I guess. I was wondering what’s its name. And does it have lyrics? Why don’t you sing it, too? Does it even have lyrics?”

Kai is suspicious before he answers, but then his eyes get that mischievous gleam. “What’s in it for me? If I tell you?”

“Well… Why does there have to be anything? I’m just asking the song name.”

“It’s a very special song, Soobin,” Kai tells matter-of-factly, slightly nodding. “I can’t just give out the name like that. I need some reassurance. I need something in return.”

He’s teasing him and Soobin smirks with a scoff. “Really? Seems like you already have something in mind.”

“Let me ask you a few questions before I tell you that,” Kai says, making himself more comfortable. Soobin feels it. Someone younger is making fun of him does not feel good. “Okay, why do you want to know the name?”

Soobin blinks. “Because I feel like I’ve heard it before.”

Kai nods, like he’s in deep thought about that answer. He even rubs his chin for the dramatic effect. “Okay. Have you tried using Google to get the name?”

Soobin nods, “Yes. It didn’t show me anything. Which is weird, because if it’s in existence and not your original song, it should be out there.”

Kai nods, this time agreeing. “That is very true, I completely agree. However, that’s not my original song. Its origin is weird. Well, it’s weird that you know it.”

Soobin frowns. “What do you mean? What’s its origin?”

“_I’m_ asking the questions,” Kai says and eats a gummy bear. “Tell me: Why are you so sure you knew the song from before? It’s an actual fact that sometimes when you hear something for the first time, your brain can trick you into thinking otherwise.”

“Because I’ve had it in my head way before I ever heard you play.”

“Maybe you heard someone else play it.”

Soobin tilts his head in annoyance. “Of course I have. I just don’t know who or when.”

“Right,” Kai mumbles. “Okay. That’s it for today.”

“The- So, what’s the name?”

“I decided on not telling you,” Kai says. His voice is playful and there’s that sparkle in his eye again when he looks at Soobin. “I still didn’t decide what I want in return. So… I will be getting back to you.”

Soobin is silent for a moment before he lets out a chuckle. It’s a good thing, right? He can wait a bit longer, if that means he will talk to Kai again. He isn’t sure what exactly brought this kind of logic into his mind, but he decides not to dwell on it and just play along.

He offers to help Kai clean in the restaurant but Kai promises there isn’t that much work and that it’s okay for Soobin to go home first. He wants to insist to stay, help, or at least just walk Kai home but that would be weird. Technically, they just met. Right?

* * *

“You look good,” Soobin assures Yeonjun. He insisted he looked better in jeans rather than something shorter and is now a sweating mess in front of the mirror in his sister’s room. She’s out somewhere but she’s the only one who has a full body mirror. “That Beom guy never met you in person and still said he likes you, right? That means he really doesn’t care whether you’re gonna style your hair to the right or left.”

“He never said he likes me,” Yeonjun hisses and opens his sister’s drawers looking for something. “What the hell is all this?” He mumbles, going through some brushes.

“She’ll notice you messed with her brushes. My sister did last time we used her make up for my face.”

“I don’t care,” Yeonjun says. “Okay, listen. Beom and I are meeting after Kai’s last song _usually_ finishes,” Yeonjun waves his hands in front of Soobin, requiring maximum concentration and attention. “If it doesn’t… Just please, be there, okay?”

They covered all possibilities they thought of. One of the most important was that it could be someone catfishing Yeonjun. Beom is obviously not his name and he didn’t reveal his other social media – other than the dating app account. It could be a homophobe waiting for an opportunity to beat a queer up. Photos of a blond, pretty boy could be found anywhere on the internet.

“I’ll be there,” Soobin assures him. He coughs when Yeonjun sprays a little perfume and walks through it. “Are you using women’s perfume?”

“Got a problem with it?”

“No. It smells like baby sugar.”

“Thanks.”

“I don’t think that was a compliment,” Soobin mumbles and checks out Yeonjun one last time before he looks in the mirror. “Should we go?”

Yeonjun makes an effort to put all his sister’s stuff back in place, and soon they’re heading out. Yeonjun is obviously nervous, often cracking his knuckles or not listening to what’s Soobin talking. So he talks about anything. Yeonjun can’t even concentrate on his own words.

“It’s that café over there,” Yeonjun points at it. Behind the glass walls, it seems darker, more private inside, but all the tables up front are full. It was a good choice; a public space with a pinch of privacy.

“Okay. Me and Kai will be within a yelling distance.”

“Okay. Just tell Kai I’m meeting an old friend or something.”

“Don’t worry,” Soobin smiles and pats Yeonjun’s shoulder. “You’re gonna be okay. You can always call me to beat Beom up.”

Yeonjun laughs, “Sure, the second he needs a beating I’m calling you.”

“Uh. Um. Excuse me.”

Soobin looks behind Yeonjun and quickly removes his hand from his shoulder when he notices the blond boy standing there. He can swear he heard Yeonjun squeak.

“I’ll be going now!” Soobin claps his hands as he speaks first and starts walking backwards. “Kai is waiting for me so… Have fun!”

He turns away and closes his eyes tightly as he walks. That was awkward. That was so awkward. If he made things awkward between Yeonjun and Beom because he offered to beat Beom up and Yeonjun took him on that offer… That’s going to one hell of an awkward date.

He feels a stone lifted from his chest as he hears Yeonjun laugh in the back. His eyes scan the area to locate the group of the problematic boys just in case.

* * *

“You need more friends,” Kai teases him as he cleans one of the tables. Soobin offered to help – but outside, from where he can see Yeonjun sitting on the porch swing with that Beom guy. They are sitting outside and it’s almost been an hour. That means it’s going alright.

“No, I don’t.”

“So what are you doing when Yeonjun leaves for college at the end of the summer again?”

“I told you I was gonna work,” Soobin reminds him and extends his neck to see Yeonjun and Beom better. Kai squeezes his eyes at him and in a second he’s leaning over the table, suspiciously eyeing Soobin from a surprisingly small distance.

“What are you doing?”

“What? Nothing.”

“So if I look back there where your attention is, I wouldn’t find you ogling which of those punks to hit first?”

Soobin wants to laugh. The punks haven’t left their designated space. They’ve got two or three girls with them now. “Sorry.”

Kai sits down, a rug still in his hand. “You know, maybe we could make a deal. If you don’t get into fights anymore, I tell you the name of the song.”

Soobin stops for a moment, stunned. “I don’t get in fights on purpose. They start it. I defend myself.”

Kai doesn’t buy it. “I know you better than that.”

“We literally just met.” There’s a silence in which Soobin understands what Kai meant and he leans back with a sigh. “Okay. I won’t fight anymore.”

“That doesn’t go just like that,” Kai says. “It needs to be some time before I’m fully sure you won’t fight anymore. Bad boys don’t deserve good songs.”

Soobin almost chokes when he coughs. “Bad boys, huh?” He laughs but he is still coughing. Kai looks worried as he hands him glass of water and nudges him to drink. “Okay, you’ll see. I won’t fight anymore. I can do that. Wanna go out for a walk?”

To be completely honest, he’s been thinking about what Yeonjun’s sister said a lot. He wishes there was a nice way to ask Kai. If he just blurts out _Are you gay?_, Kai isn’t familiar enough with him to tell him the truth right away – at least that’s what Yeonjun said when Soobin voiced his troubles.

Maybe he could think Soobin would do something to him and that’s the least Soobin wants to do. He could add a small _It’s okay if you are_, but what if he isn’t and took offence? Maybe he’s just overthinking it.

“Oh, so you have an younger sister?” Kai asks, eyes wide, genuinely interested. That’s something Soobin likes. He just mentioned he has an younger sister – and no matter how trivial something is, Kai looks like he really wants to know.

“Yeah. She usually covers for me but…”

“But your parents are already used to you being a wild child.”

Soobin pushes his shoulder, “Shut up. That’s one way to put it. At least I’m not on drugs and stealing.”

“Your parents have a low bar.”

“Shut up,” Soobin laughs. “Okay, did you watch Star Wars as I told you?”

Kai suddenly gasps and jumps right in front of Soobin as they are walking. “Yes! Oh, my God!” He yells with his fists up and screams a little. Soobin laughs, surprised at the reaction. “When Darth Vader showed up I was totally like this dude is dangerous, you know, and princess Leia – oh, God! And Luke?? Luke is definitely- when he went into that space craft and then the bad guys were like _boom! boom! ka boom! paw paw!_ And Luke was just like _whoosh! spew! Take that!_ Yeah!”

Soobin laughs at Kai imitating the sounds, Luke and the lightsabers, especially when he jumps and pretends he has one ready to kill Soobin, and just when Soobin wants to ask him if he’ll go watch the last part that comes out together…

“So now you hang out with f*gs.”

It happens in a moment, but Soobin sees it clearly like in a slow motion. Kai walking backwards, laughing, waving his hands and almost tripping the moment he hears the voice behind him. He stops and looks back, stepping to Soobin’s side almost like he’s afraid but Soobin sees his face. It’s one of Junseo’s friends, the lanky one with a nasty face but younger and smaller than Soobin for sure.

He was never one to cause problems. Soobin even thought he might just be hanging out with them because he thought it was cool.

“What did you just say?” Soobin asks and hears his own voice crack.

“Let’s just go,” Kai tugs on the sleeve of Soobin’s jacket, but Soobin makes a step towards the boy.

He smiles without any humor. “Maybe I misheard.”

“You’re getting real brave when Junseo’s not around,” the boy says, looking up at Soobin.

“_You_ are getting real brave when Junseo’s not around,” Soobin repeats with an emphasis and he wishes that he could see any remorse, even for approaching Soobin.

“Soobin, it’s okay, let’s just go.” Kai’s voice is quiet, wavering but in that moment, it annoys Soobin. He’s got better things to think about right now – if Kai isn’t going to say anything for himself, then he will. he will make this boy regret it.

“Listen to your boyfriend, Soobin,” the boys says with fake worry on his face. “Who knew you liked them like this. Fucking f*gs.”

“Take that back,” Soobin warns him and pushes him. The boy stumbles back but he laughs.

“Why? Did I say something wrong? ‘s not me hanging out with queers.”

Soobin pushes him once again, this time with much more force. “Take it back or else.”

“Or else…?”

The same time Kai yells, “Soobin, let’s go!” Soobin hits the boy. It’s not like a few moments ago, when it all seemed like a slow motion. This was fast, faster than the time he had to think about it.

He thought about what he said to Kai, he thought about his smirk without remorse, he thought about all possibilities Yeonjun and he covered just for one stupid gay date and it made him angry. It’s not his right, those are not his damn words and not his right to-

The only things in the background he hears is Kai’s voice, Yeonjun’s voice, and a pair of hands pulling him back. Only when he’s away, he sees the bruised lip, the blood from the nose but still doesn’t feel anything on his own body. He tries to fight it, but Yeonjun pushing him and yelling, “Get him away from here!” is much stronger than him.

He walks, fast, maybe runs and knows Kai is next to him. What to say? What to do? Should he look at Kai? Should he not? Is Kai speaking?

“I’m going to fucking murder him.”

“No, you’re not!” Kai says and pulls his elbow to the side where people are passing by. “You need to calm the hell down. Sit down!”

He sits. He knows Kai walks back to Yeonjun, he sees people there, he makes eye contact with the boy he just hit repeatedly and wants to get up and do it again. But Kai appears again and pulls him up again.

“We are going out of here.”

Next thing he’s aware is sitting on the stairs of an abandoned building. Streetlights barely reach there, but they shine over Kai’s face and now he can’t escape his eyes.

“What the hell happened there? Ten minutes after you promised you will never fight again.”

There was that too. Right.

“I’m sorry.”

“I can’t believe you’ve done this. I can’t believe I had to be there.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I mean that asshole Dongheon deserved it.”

“Right. I’m sorry.”

“But you can’t just _beat_ people up for everything!” Kai is nervously walking and looking back at the street. “Do you even know him? Do you know he’s a minor? He’s like a year younger than you but on the paper he’s a minor and you’re an adult. Do you realize what you’ve just done?”

Soobin keeps quiet this time.

“I hope he won’t call the police. Can’t be the first time someone’s punched him.”

“Were you scared?” Soobin asks. Kai sighs and looks at him.

“I was scared for _you_.” He finally sits down next to Soobin. “I know I can’t be the one to tell you what to do with your life but… I told you to let it go. I told you to go.”

“But he called you a-”

“Yeah, and?” Kai makes a sorry face and sighs once again. “I don’t care what he has to say.”

“Then you’re a much chiller person than me.”

Kai laughs so hard in a moment hiding his head between his knees. When he looks back up, his hair is falling over his eyes but he’s smiling. “You have literally zero chill. You need to learn how to chill out.”

“Are you offering me drugs?”

Kai smiles and sighs once again. “If police didn’t show up until now, I guess they won’t. Let me see.”

He takes Soobin’s hand in his own and Soobin can finally feel the pain. He feels in in the leg where the boy hit him, he feels it on his face when he managed to throw in a punch back, he feels it in his sore knuckles and some weird pain in his stomach. He doesn’t remember being hit there.

“You can’t see anything. It’s okay, I’ll just… Wash them and I’ll be fine. He didn’t manage to hit my face.”

“Yes, he did! He punched you like… right in the face.”

“I don’t think it’s gonna bruise,” Soobin feels his cheek. “I think I have abnormally high tolerance to punches.”

Kai doesn’t look like he believes him for a second. “I hope your sister’s make up doesn’t suffer again.”

“It won’t.”

It’s silent. Cars pass and Kai jerks every time, thinking it might be the police and Soobin feels sorry. He feels sorry that Kai is worrying, that it was Yeonjun who came to his rescue – and he will probably never hear the end of it – and he’s sorry that Kai had to be there when that boy said all of it.

“You know, you don’t deserve to be treated like that. You… You deserve to fight back or to have someone to fight back for you.”

Even if the light barely reaches them, Soobin sees how Kai frowns in confusion. “To fight back for me for being called a f*g?” Soobin is a little taken aback at how easy Kai says it and how ironically he laughs after. “I’m probably gonna be called that for the rest of my fucking life, might as well get used to it on time.”

“Excuse me?”

“Soobin-” Kai’s voice is loud; it sounds like he wants to say something but abruptly stops as he stands up. “I might as well get it out the way. They call me that without knowing the weight of those words, without realizing what they fully mean. F*g, twink, queer, I’ve heard it all. You’d actually be surprised. But I don’t have the choice. I can’t punch every single kid who decides it’s fun to call me that.”

“If you punch a few of them, the rest will learn their lesson,” Soobin whispers.

“You don’t get it!” Kai sounds exasperated. “They will learn their lesson for a short time, and then what? I will go to college, I will get a job, I will get another job, maybe I’ll visit a gay bar and be killed in the back alley,” Kai ironically laughs, “You never know. Life like this is an adventure.”

Soobin stopped breathing. Smile on Kai’s face is menacing. His words hurt. They’re not supposed to hurt Soobin, they aren’t directed at him but they hurt. He wants to cry. The tears burn but he keeps his eyes open and doesn’t let them fall.

“It just never stops,” Kai says in a tired voice. “And I’m sixteen. What choice do I have? What you did just now…” He hesitates before he takes a long breath and finally says it, “It’s done more bad than good.”

“Wh- Why- I don’t understand.”

Kai is now squatting in front of Soobin and keeping one hand on the upper stair for balance. “I still have to go to school on Monday. I have to be there for six hours. I have to be there before classes, and I have to step out in the hallway…” His voice is getting quieter and carries more weight. Soobin think he’s probably going to cry. “After every class. The same hallways as everyone else. Just like Dongheon.”

It finally downs on Soobin, but he doesn’t say anything.

“Then… After school,” Kai swallows. “No rules matter. The second we are off school grounds…”

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, I didn’t- I don’t… Did they do something to you?”

Kai hesitates. “Just stuff like that.”

Soobin thinks about what Yeonjun’s sister said and closes his eyes, taking a breath. “I’m gonna be there. After you finish your class. Every day. No one will dare to say anything to you, to call you- baseless and nonsense and-”

“Baseless,” Kai slowly repeats the word and frowns. “That’s not…” He presses his lips into a straight line and looks to the side, still hesitating. “You really think it’s baseless?”

“Well, they have no reason to do that to you.”

“You mean beside homophobia.”

Soobin lets out a loud, “Ah!” and scares Kai. He catches his forearm to keep him from falling and tries his best to smile. “I’m sorry. I again… I didn’t realize. I’m so sorry.”

But even though Soobin tries best – Kai just came out to him! – to smile and look friendly and avoid all possible worst outcomes he has already thought of in case of the scenario, Kai looks frightened. He hoped he’d be in control of the situation when he asks Kai. Or at least a little less in pain, with little less tears bottling up.

“I thought you knew.”

“How could’ve I known?” Soobin breathes and it sounds rude.

“Just… Yeonjun was with Beomgyu… and you… defended me when Dongheon said all that stuff…”

“Wait, what?” Soobin shakes his head to clear his thoughts but it doesn’t help. “I defended you because that guy is an asshole and Yeonjun… Beomgyu? That’s- today, with him? You know him?”

“Well, yeah,” Kai whispers. “Not that well. Soobin. You know I’m gay, right?”

“But you’re only sixteen,” Soobin blurts out before he thinks about it.

“Are you telling me I can’t be gay at sixteen?” Kai frowns. “I’ll be seventeen soon.”

“No, no, I’m so sorry, that’s not what I meant, you just caught me, um, off guard,” Soobin waves his hands. “That’s totally- that’s your decision and all. I understand.”

“_Decision?_” Kai carefully repeats.

“I mean not decision, but your opinion.” He wishes he could facepalm hard enough to bring some fucking sense into his stupid head.

“My _opinion_?” Kai repeats and laughs.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m really bad at this. When Yeonjun came out to me I thought he was attracted to freaking forks or some shit like that, I’m sorry.”

Kai laughs again, this time harder. Soobin just realized he outed Yeonjun. But Kai knew… right?

“Soobin. I really thought you knew. I would rather die than come out to someone like you in an abandoned dark place like this.”

Soobin opens his mouth in offense. “You never said anything.”

“Because I thought you knew. It was a silly assumption, don’t worry about it.”

Soobin doesn’t push it. Instead, he shuts his mouth and tried to not think about it. It’s okay, right? Kai is his friend who came out to him and Soobin won’t act weird. He had no reason to act weird around Yeonjun, being with Kai will be the same.

On their way home, Soobin still asks, “You knew about Yeonjun, right?”

“Yeah, Beomgyu told me.”

“I thought you didn’t know him that well?”

Kai laughs, “I’ll tell you about it another day. For now, let’s get you home in-” He was to about to grab Soobin’s forearm, like he always does when he’s joking or jokingly acting cute and in that moment Soobin does the worst thing he could have done. He hisses and gets his arm away.

They both stand there stunned. A million apologies lie on top of his tongue, but the look in Kai’s face shuts down every single one of them. He didn’t mean to- or did he?

He just promised to himself he wouldn’t act weird around Kai. Subconsciously, he did know. He didn’t know about him for sure, hence why he had planned to ask. The thought creeped in.

Kai was always so friendly with him. He knew about him before. He acts cute from time to time, and he grabs Soobin’s hand like that. Maybe Soobin looked at him as a kid and let him do all of that… But hearing Kai say he’s gay – it brought the thought he wasn’t a kid. He knew what he was saying. And he knows damn well what he’s been doing.

He swallows hard and looks away, straight ahead.

“Let’s hurry, it’s late.”

He can barely hear Kai as he starts walking behind, “Yeah.”


	2. Realization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// If you're not comfortable reading about verbal violence and homophobia, I suggest you don't read this chapter or skip the ending. 
> 
> Hi, I'm back with chapter 2 and I hope you guys will like it 🥺

The ceiling is a slightly different cream color than the walls in the living room. Music softly plays from the laptop on the table and he closes his eyes, finally the drums from the basement getting on his nerves. He rubs the bridge of his nose and gets annoyed once more at the difference in shade between the ceiling and the walls.

The drumming stops soon, he hears his sister’s footsteps up the wooden stairs echoing through the whole house and the wind closes the doors too strongly. She curses loudly.

“What! You’re still lying there? Mom said you have to do the dishes.”

“Just put them in the washing machine,” Soobin murmurs, getting on his side with hands under his face. Maybe he could take a nap once again. It’s easier that way.

“What the hell if wrong with you?” Yuna yells leaning over the back of the couch and he jerks, clearing his throat as if he wasn’t startled. “Why are you so droopy these days?”

“I’m not, leave me alone.”

She taps over his arm, “Come on. I’m not doing your chores.”

“Your drumming would wake the dead.”

She frowns, “Thank you?” She shakes her head, “Anyway, I’m going to Yeji’s. I could wait for you, we could go together.”

He thinks for a moment and looks up at the ceiling once again. “Yeah. Let me do the dishes first.”

Although being two years younger than Yeji, Soobin’s sister developed some kind of friendship with Yeonjun’s little sister over rock too loud or metal bands, band T-shirts, flannel, and chokers. Yeonjun did mention going out to see Beomgyu today, but the noon barely passed and he could still be in bed.

He takes a deep breath of the fresh air while they go through the backyard of a very unpleasant old lady who certainly doesn’t like when kids go through her backyard. But, she has a soft spot for Yuna, so Soobin is in the clear when he’s with her.

“Yeji mentioned you were in a fight with Dongheon.”

He knew it. Yuna was too quiet.

“Yeah, and?”

She shrugs. “He’s kinda cute. You messed up his face.”

Soobin rolls his eyes the best he can. “Big deal. Also, stay away from him and everyone associated with him. They’re much older than you, who knows what they could do to you.”

“I can take care of myself. And anyway, Yeji knows him; she says he’s a sleaze.”

Soobin chuckles, “One way to put it.”

“So, why’d you do it?”

He thinks for a moment before deciding to tell her. “You know the kid who plays the piano at the square?”

She frowns when she thinks, “Huening? Huening Kai?”

“Yeah, him.”

“Sure I do.”

“Well. Your cute boyfriend Dongheon had a lot of slurs to throw his way, so.”

“Oh,” she says and is quiet for a moment. He looks at her, looking down and thinking with a cute frown and scrunch of her nose. “I didn’t think you’d do that.”

“What do you mean by that?”

They’re already in front of Yeonjun’s house when she stops and looks up at him. “I would expect you to react to that kind of thing. Glad you did. I’m proud of you.” She smiles and his breathing gets hard.

First Yeonjun thought Soobin would have a bad reaction. Kai was only friends with him because he thought Soobin knew since the beginning. _Kai_. He thinks… He probably thinks Soobin hates him. God. He fucked up so bad.

“Let’s go.”

“Wait,” she pulls him back by the rim of his jacket. “What did you actually do or say to him? They say he didn’t dare call the police.”

“Nothing. I just hit him,” he frowns and starts walking. That’s weird.

“Did something happen?” Yeonjun asks him and looks him with _those_ eyes. When he wants to know the truth. When he knows he’s been denied the truth.

Soobin averts his gaze and pretends the wall is more interesting. There’s already a black line on the new red wall from Yeonjun’s computer chair rubbing against it. “No, I just don’t feel like going.”

Yeonjun squeezes his eyes and goes way into Soobin’s personal space to put pressure on him. “I’ve been too preoccupied with other things to notice, but I see now. Something happened. What?”

Soobin blinks and looks away. Yeonjun backs away and sits with crossed legs, as if he knows it’s serious. Soobin slowly sits up and sighs. “I fucked up.”

“With Kai? Did he get mad you beat that guy?”

“No, that’s not it,” Soobin says and wonders how to even say it. How to explain it? How do you even explain something you yourself can’t understand? Yeonjun has always been good in reading Soobin’s mind, but would he really understand? “He said he was gay.”

“Oh,” Yeonjun nods. “Well. We kinda knew that, right?”

“Your sister said it was just a rumor,” Soobin says, a tad annoyed that even Yeonjun thinks it was something widely known.

“You know I believe all rumors,” Yeonjun says in all seriousness and Soobin can’t help but laugh a little. He does. Yeonjun is the ‘guilty until proven innocent’ type of person. For some reason, he never believed rumors about Soobin. “Come on, tell me. I won’t judge.”

Yeonjun’s face is somewhat excited and he seems eager to hear what Soobin has to say.

Soobin takes a deep breath. “You know how Kai is. He like… acts cute and teases a lot and… always is there to hug you for literally no reason or… did you notice that weird thing when he kind of half-hugs you from the back and rubs your stomach?” Soobin demonstrates and when Yeonjun nods like he fully understands, he continues. “Well, after… all of that happened, we were supposed to go home. And he kind of came out to me, and we were supposed to go home and-”

“Yes??” Yeonjun almost yells in excitement and Soobin raises an eyebrow before taking another deep breath to prepare himself.

“I don’t know what I was thinking,” he looks away once more. Yeonjun said he wouldn’t judge but… he judges himself. Why should he expect Yeonjun to understand? “It’s really not like me, I would never do that. Ever. But Kai reached out to cling onto my arm as we walk and I just- instinctively backed off.”

When he looks up, there’s a wave of surprise on Yeonjun’s face, disappointment and maybe like he expected something else. There’s that feeling at the top of his tongue to list a million excuses and explanations, but he lets it be this way.

“That’s-” Yeonjun scratches his head. “You backed off because… he’s gay?”

“No! Yes. _No_,” Soobin shakes his head and opens his mouth, searching for words. “I think I… he’s always so touchy and- I think in the moment I was afraid that he might like me.” As he says it, he slaps his face with both hand and whines into them. “I sound so full of myself. But I swear, it’s not like that, it’s not- not that thing when guys think every gay guy has hots for him, I swear it was just.”

“Just?” Yeonjun pushes.

“I was really happy that we got to meet him. I genuinely think he’s a great guy and it’s so fun to be around him, and in that moment I was afraid it could all go away.” Yeonjun’s expression softens with a small sigh, but he hits Soobin when he says, “Not until I get the song name.”

“Idiot!”

Soobin rubs his shoulder. “Ouch. Okay. That was insensitive, I’m sorry. Now I’m just afraid what he’ll think of me.”

Yeonjun sighs and takes a pillow to hug while he thinks about it. “We know Kai. He’s not going to hold it against you. Just apologize to him and explain.”

“_Explain?_ How could I possibly? I can’t tell him what I just told you. Could you ask him or something?”

“What are you, twelve?” Yeonjun gets annoyed, but Soobin can tell he’s doing his best to not beat him up. “Listen. Let’s go. We don’t even have to talk to him. We will just sit on a bench, and if you feel like it, we will go talk to him. Just like before.”

It took only a little more convincing and dragging out the room – but the deal breaker could have been when Yeji and Yuna decided to interact and what’s worse than having to spend time with your younger sisters?

Soobin buys a big pack of peanuts being nervous, and then goes back to buy another one just in case. He gives the gummy bears one long look, but looks away and pays for the peanuts.

“Oh, that friend of his is singing,” Yeonjun notices. Soobin carefully walks to their designated bench, as if Kai could hear his footsteps.

“Taehyun,” Soobin adds as he opens a bad and gives Yeonjun the empty one. “I met him once, briefly.”

“He’s pretty,” Yeonjun notices, looking back. Soobin is always the one turned so he can see piano boy.

“Hey. You have a boyfriend,” Soobin warns him and Yeonjun smiles in a way that stuns Soobin. His eyes sparkle in a shy way, his smile takes a different curve of endearing, and his small shake of the head is actually cute.

“He’s not my boyfriend. Yet.” Yeonjun says and Soobin smiles. He think it must be nice. It’s been a while since he’s been in a relationship, but he wonders if his eyes ever radiated like Yeonjun’s. He suddenly feels like he wants to feel close to someone and his eyes wander off.

“Well,” he says when his eyes find Yeonjun’s again. “If you ask me it’s a done deal.”

Yeonjun chuckles. “He’s really cute and awesome. He plays a guitar, and likes music overall. His parents are kind of strict, though,” he frowns. Soobin remembers Yeonjun mentioning that usually Beomgyu can’t stay out late. “Would you like to meet him?”

“Hell yeah!” Soobin nods, “I was wondering if you’re ever going to ask.”

“Second to last,” Yeonjun raises a finger to signal Soobin to be careful when he listens.

Soobin pays attention and his eyes catch a glimpse of Kai as the crowd shifts. He wonders if Kai is going to be there only on Fridays when schools starts again. It kind of makes him sad.

“You’re right,” he finally says. “I should go talk to him when he’s done.”

Yeonjun nods, proud. “You can do it.”

For the past week, a million different scenarios went through his head. Kai would yell at him. Kai would give him the silent treatment. Kai would insult him. Kai would say he never wants to see him again. Kai would pay someone to beat him. (He was kind of hoping for that one.)

He even went through the possibility of talking it through, but he never quite found the right words.

What he didn’t expect is Kai smiling widely at him and Yeonjun, like nothing happened. Did he imagine it? Did Kai not notice?

He must have. It was obvious. He made the look that doesn’t let Soobin fall asleep until late at night.

“You guys made it!” Kai says as he hugs Yeonjun. “I heard Beomgyu is coming tonight.”

And as Soobin was ready to be the next one to hug Kai – as much as he doesn’t deserve it – his arms feel like noodles when Kai just smiles at him and turns away. True, Taehyun just approached him from his back but Kai would never just…

“Ah, Soobin.” The tone of Taehyun’s voice is different. Unfriendly. Forced.

“Your voice is amazing!” Yeonjun yells before Soobin could overthink anything else. He bends over the piano, “Beomgyu said you guys used to busk in the street when you were kids.”

Taehyun smiles. Yeonjun was right; he really is beautiful. “We were ten, please! The only audience in our street were our grandmas we made pass by so we could get candy.”

Yeonjun laughs, “That is _so_ cute! I’m Yeonjun.”

One more dirty look from Taehyun and Soobin is sure Kai has told him and now both of them hate him.

“Bruise looking good,” Kai comments and it takes Soobin a moment to react.

“You should see the other guy.”

“That’s so corny,” Kai says. He seems normal.

Soobin’s got this feeling all over. He knows they talked about him. They must have concluded they hate him now. Not only will he never get the song name, he will never get to see Kai again and that makes him feel even more so-

“Soobin?” Kai’s voice interrupts his train of thought. “Did you just wake up?” He teases. “You and Yeonjun can wait here. We’ll be back in a moment.”

He watches as Kai and Taehyun walk into the restaurant and in a haze sits down at the table Yeonjun’s sitting at. As expected, Yeonjun hits his arm and whisper-yells, “Snap out of it, dude! You see everything is fine; Taehyun said he got a guitar up there and I’m going to ask him to show me something and I’ll buy a moment alone with Kai. You can talk to him and apologize. Before Beomgyu comes.”

“You don’t know anything about guitars.”

“That’s not the point!”

“Okay, okay,” Soobin calms down and takes a deep breath. “Where _up there_? Where’s Taehyun’s guitar?”

Yeonjun makes a grimace, “How should I know? Don’t worry about the details, okay?”

Unfortunately, Yeonjun misunderstood Taehyun and he doesn’t even know how to play the guitar – and he’s out of ideas how to buy Kai and Soobin some time alone. Beomgyu comes relatively soon and they suggest they go for drinks in another café.

It’s a nice small café, with books on the shelves and smart quotes on the walls. The seats all come with pillows and Yeonjun hugs one as soon as they sit. He’s ended up sitting next to Beomgyu and Taehyun, where neither goes into his favor.

He isn’t next to Kai which is unfortunate, and Yeonjun is too far away from him to silently beg him to leave the second something is off. Instead, Taehyun emits a dark aura and Beomgyu is far in his personal space asking questions. He gets a feeling Beomgyu is trying to get Soobin to like him – and he does, Beomgyu is sweet and nice – but he can’t get himself to laugh or speak too much.

“You could stay with us!” Kai yells at Beomgyu and hits his arm a little too hard in excitement. “Your parents will say yes as soon as you mention Taehyun!”

Now that just makes no sense to Soobin. Who would be _us_, and what does Taehyun have to do with it?

“Oh, so I should third wheel in a sleepover? No way,” Beomgyu says but since his hand is reaching for his phone, Soobin gets a feeling he will still text his parents.

Taehyun chuckles, “Just stay with us. Kai has enough clothes for an army.”

“I do not! But I do have a spare pajamas for Beomgyu, don’t worry,” Kai reassures him.

“Oh, you guys are having a sleepover?” Soobin asks and he wonders how he sounded, taken aback by the way Beomgyu looked at him, quickly lowering his eyes to the phone screen.

“Sometimes we sleep over at a room above the restaurant,” Kai answers. “It used to be an inn, but now the owner lets us stay sometimes in exchange for help. And he likes us.”

“Me especially,” Taehyun proudly says.

“Oh,” Soobin nods. He’s noticed Yeonjun holding Beomgyu’s hand underneath the table and he looks away. He thinks it’s cute, maybe a little weird – he’s never seen Yeonjun with another boy being that affectionate. Now that he thinks about it, he’s never seen Yeonjun holding hands with anyone before – or just never paid attention. And if he looks again, he feels like he’s intruding.

Intruding.

That’s how he feels. He’s got Kai and Taehyun on one side, probably hating him and he’s got Beomgyu and Yeonjun at his other side, lost in each other every now and then. He feels out of place. His mind starts to race.

Kai hates him. Taehyun knows everything. They will tell Beomgyu tonight. Kai hasn’t spoken to him the whole night, not anything private or… he hasn’t teased him, he hasn’t made a comment about him wearing a jacket, he has barely looked at him.

His thoughts are all over. He’s thinking too fast, it’s getting harder to breathe and he needs a break. He needs to stop thinking whether people around him are gay or not, he needs to stop blocking the thoughts he knows he will have to face sometime and-

“I just remembered! Soobin and I have to go!” Yeonjun is standing up all of a sudden, loud and with an apologetic smile. “We promised Yeji and Yuna a game night. And, uh, we don’t wanna be late.”

“What?” Beomgyu frowns. “You didn’t mention that.”

“Right!” Yeonjun forms a line with his mouth, and hits his palm with a fist. “I didn’t know Soobin was gonna bring Yuna so it was a new arrangement.”

God bless Yeonjun. He might be all over the place, but he knows and he _sees_. And he can lie way better than Soobin.

“Right,” Soobin finally stands up. It’s already easier to breathe. The clock on his phone shows almost nine. “We are gonna be late and I don’t wanna hear their penalty.”

“Exactly,” Yeonjun agrees and the world is slower in a moment where he watches Yeonjun drop a quick kiss to Beomgyu’s cheek and for some reason he remembers how soft Kai’s cheeks looks once when he stuffed them with gummy bears.

He’s telling them something and Soobin rushes out. He’s feeling hot and he takes off his jacket. His lungs take in air with such ease and want, he thinks he might’ve been holding his breath in.

Yeonjun rushes out and puts a hand on his shoulder, standing in front of him. “What happened back there? You looked like you were going to faint.”

“Thank you,” Soobin breathes out and hugs him.

He hears Yeonjun sigh and then whisper, “What am I gonna do with you? What happens when I leave again?”

“Just drop out, it’s easy.”

Yeonjun pushes him away, “You’re fine as soon as you can joke like that.”

Soobin laughs and takes a bigger step to catch up with Yeonjun.

“You robbed me of Beomgyu time, you know.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened. I’m sure Kai told Taehyun, he told him and now they hate me. They think I’m a homophobic asshole who hates Kai because he’s gay. How can Taehyun stay so calm? Because he’s not homophobic. That’s what they’re thinking. I don’t even know why I’m feeling like this, I shouldn’t care but-”

“Hey, slow down there, cowboy,” Yeonjun laughs. “First of all, I’m pretty sure Taehyun is gay.”

Soobin makes a grimace, “Him too? Do you gays just stick together all the time like a cult?”

“Yes.”

“Not him too!” Soobin whines and he’s aware of how childish he’s acting. “What if he makes a move on Kai, then what?”

For a moment they’re both silent, just looking at each other. Yeonjun’s eyebrows are risen up, and Soobin feels like he’s mocking him. As soon as he opens his mouth, Soobin shoots up a warning finger, “Don’t-!”

“I didn’t say anything,” Yeonjun says as calmly as he can. “You said a lot, though.”

“I am not having this conversation with you. You know what I meant.”

“Of course I did,” Yeonjun says from behind him, Soobin having sped up. “Just one bro not wanting his other bro to be hit on.”

Soobin shoots him a warning look.

“What?” Yeonjun acts innocent. “I know what you mean. I _know_ how you feel. I would never want people to hit on you too. Say, girls.”

Soobin turns to him to look at him with squeezed eyes once again. “Are you calling me gay?”

“Are you taking it as an insult?”

Gay was commonly used as an insult, especially if you’re a kid. All the time he has called that Yeonjun, or Yeonjun him. It’s disturbing how widely accepted that is an insult and how easily thrown it was. And now he’s in a corner – because it’s not an insult and he’s aware of it.

“I’m not, okay? You’re twisting my words.”

“Well what did you mean by that then?”

Soobin suddenly stops in his track and turns to Yeonjun. “Are you being serious right now? You’re not just messing with me?”

Yeonjun shrugs, expression serious. Soobin was sure he was just fucking with him a moment ago.

“Yeonjun, I’m not- I didn’t mean- What the hell?”

Yeonjun looks lost a moment. “Okay. I believe you. It just sounded for a moment-”

“Well, it’s not.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

When they have nothing better to do and actually ask their sisters to play something with them, they’re met with an ‘ew’ and a door in face.

**KAI(๑￫ܫ￩)**

* * *

**Kai** 00:12am

Hey  
You okay?

**You** 00:14am

hi

i am? why you ask?

**Kai** 00:14am

Really?  
Are you sure?  
Did something happen tonight?

**You** 00:14am

no?

**Kai** 00:14am

You guys seemed really suspicious  
And you didn’t look fine  
When you and Yeonjun left  
I walked out to see you  
And to see if you’re okay  
I saw Yeonjun hugging you  
So, are you sure you’re fine?  


**You** 00:17am

i had food poisoning

**Kai** 00:17am

Dumbass  
As if I’d believe that

**You** 00:17am

for real. it was so wack

**Kai** 00:17am

Wack  
Ok  
So you’re really fine?

**You** 00:17am

i am  
thank you for worrying  
have fun at your sleepover

**Kai** 00:18am

You should join us next time  
I mean  
If you’re okay with that  
If you’re not uncomfortable or anything

His hand shakes and he feels his heart beat against the ribcage. He knows. He hates him. He thinks…

**You** 00:19am

kai…

**Kai** 00:19am

Oop I gotta go  
See you!  
Sleep well!

He fucked up. And he has to face it.

Kai is starting school. Whether he hates Soobin or not, there is something Soobin has to make sure of. He’s not going to break that inner promise.

Yeonjun is in his house; Soobin’s parents bought him gifts before he leaves once again for the big city and college. He sits in the living room, hoping Yeonjun will fit the clothes his mother bought. She always buys clothes too small, even for him and Yuna.

“Ah!” His mom dramatically yells like it’s the first time pants seem too small for a person she’s bought them for. “I think they will fit your waist, but they might be too tight.”

“No, no, that’s fine!” Yeonjun says, too excited.

“That’s today’s fashion, mother, you wouldn’t understand,” Soobin adds and earns a side look from her.

“Do girls really like boys in skinny jeans?” She asks and then when Yeonjun laughs, she shakes her head. “I’m not judging. I guess every new generation has a different taste.”

“I definitely do,” Yeonjun says. “Thank you so much. I’m sure my dad will smother you with being nice or offering something in return.”

Soobin’s dad is still talking on the phone when he comes down the stairs, and greets Yeonjun even with the phone. Everyone is silent for a minute before he finishes and then turns to his wife, “They booked us only one room. Can you believe?”

_Us_, in this case, is Soobin’s dad and his work partner. That’s some annoying friend of his dad’s, who calls himself Soobin’s uncle and thinks it’s okay to come over for dinner unannounced.

His mother laughs aloud, “Are you gonna sleep in the same bed?” She’s teasing.

She’s always like this. Soobin’s never thought much about it, but his mother always seemed okay with everything. Open minded. Maybe she’d even earn the title of a Cool Mom from his friends if he had any more than Yeonjun. She’s young, cheerful and loud, and that’s why people love her.

He thought about something else before. For all the things he’s done as a kid, he’s glad his mother – and father – are like that. Not many parents would make fun of their child for breaking a leg skiing. They told the story of how Soobin skied right into a tree for years after that, and for a kid, it made it less painful.

But, he doesn’t know their stance on gay people. If Yeonjun came out right now to them, how would they react? That’s something about Yeonjun they don’t know.

Soobin takes a wild guess. They would probably be kind of people to accept it with a sour smile, but would never tease him again about girls, or even try about boys. They would act weird. Yeah. That’s how they would act.

Maybe he’s like them.

Maybe there’s something dark and hateful rooted deep inside of him, and no matter how much his healthy mind tells him it’s normal, he feels like there’s some error in the way.

When he’s back from his thought, his dad is hugging Yeonjun, seemly talking in lengths about something and trying to be sneaky with giving him money.

“That’s really unnecessary.”

“Take out some pretty city girl on a date,” Soobin’s dad says and Beomgyu’s face appears in his mind. Beomgyu is pretty, that’s close enough, right?

“Will do, sir!” Yeonjun says too enthusiastically before Soobin’s father leaves for work and his mother yells out that she won’t be making dinner and it’s up to Soobin’s father to come back home in time _and_ with food.

“Hey, mother,” Soobin looks up at her and she’s giving him that look she does anytime he calls her mother. At some point she decided it’s okay to call her by her ‘government title’, but she still doesn’t like it. “Can I borrow your car?”

“You’re on a driving ban.”

Soobin clenches his jaw as Yeonjun sneeringly chuckles folding the clothes again.

“Please.”

“No.”

“Please. I just want to pick up a friend from school. And he goes to the Main High School. That’s far.”

She frowns with a hand on her hip. “A friend?”

“Yeah. He also wanted to see Yeonjun before he leaves. Since, you know, school started and he might not be able to.”

She nods, thinking about it, not completely trusting Soobin.

“Yeonjun, can you drive?”

“I can try.”

She waves her hand like she’s dismissing him. “Who is that friend?”

“Kai,” Soobin says. She doesn’t know who. “Huening? I don’t know if you know him or his family.”

“Huening,” she repeats in a tone that makes even Yeonjun stop for a moment. “Ah. The kid that used to play the piano?”

“Well, he still plays.”

“Right,” his mother says, “You can take the car. Don’t tell your father, though.”

“Make sure you talk to Kai!” is the last thing Yeonjun yells after him when Soobin drops him off at a bus station. He’s going straight to Beomgyu’s house; apparently Beomgyu is already back from school and they want to catch every moment together before Yeonjun leaves. They’re officially boyfriends.

The question whether that bothers him or not lingers in Soobin’s mind and he groans out loud. There’s nothing wrong when he’s with Yeonjun and Beomgyu, so why would he feel weird around Kai? The only conclusion he comes up with is that he’s stupid.

He parks close to the school on the sidewalk and wonders whether he should wait there or go in. Waiting outside seems the least intruding, but also the way from school to the outside looks too dangerous and all he can imagine is that asshole saying something to Kai again.

Before he knows it, he’s walking up to the school’s door as kids come out and squeezes himself inside. If he sticks close to the exit, Kai will surely pass by.

“Soobin!” His eyes find Yeji, waving at him and already running among the rest of the kids. “Did you and Yeonjun come to pick me up? That’s great, because we had gym today and I don’t feel like walking at all.”

There he is. He looks like a kid, with the bag on both his shoulders and the uniform neat on him. He’s closing the locker and he’s alone. His shoulders seem bent down and he’s looking at the floor in a way that breaks Soobin’s heart.

“Actually. I’m here for Kai. Yeonjun left,” Soobin says. Yeji frowns, looking back. Kai notices him, hurrying his step to come faster.

“Kai? Ah. I understand,” Yeji says. “Wait, I don’t. Why can’t you drive me home, too?”

“What are you doing here?” Kai asks, briefly looking at Yeji and then at Soobin. His hair is messy.

“I came to pick you up,” Soobin innocently says.

“You’re just afraid Dongheon will do something,” Kai says, but he isn’t mad, not that Soobin notices. “School just started, he won’t do anything.”

“Yeah,” Yeji adds in a whisper. “I can still see bruises on him. Deserved.” She’s quieter because of Kai. Was it a quiet voice of support to Kai?

“Anyway,” Soobin says, “Have a nice walk home, Yeji.”

“Hey! Drive me too!”

Not that he could say no. She’s pouting and demanding, and fighting him on the shotgun seat as he insist Kai sits there. She’s still pouting as he starts the car. They’re both completely quiet.

“So, how was school, kids?” Soobin teases.

“Dongheon said he saw you two kiss and that you’re both gay!” Yeji blurts out fast and loud, but they both understood her. Even when driving, Soobin turns his head to gasp at her, and quickly gets his eyes back to the road, feeling himself loosing focus – and he’s not that good of a driver anyway.

He stops on the side and the car behind honks at him. He’s clenching his jaw and gritting the steering wheel too hard. When he turns to look at Kai and Yeji, they both look scared. Like they’re both afraid of what’s he going to do.

“Please don’t drive back to beat him again.”

He’s angry and the beating of his heart is unbearable, the blood in his veins is begging him to punch something and he remembers the breathing, the asking himself how him being angry is going to affect the people around him. He looks at Kai and takes a relaxing breath, slowly letting go of the wheel and turning the key to turn off the car.

“What else did he say?” He asks. He feels his voice tremble.

“Just that,” Yeji says. “So, is it true? Yeonjun said you really are gay.”

Kai looks at her almost offended. Soobin gets that feeling where he wants to kick Yeonjun in the ass.

“Yeah,” Kai tells her. She looks surprised as if she expected him to deny. Kai shrugs. “Not Soobin, though. What he is… far, _far_ from the truth.”

He sounds like he wants to spite Soobin for what he did, and Soobin realizes he might just be taking it the wrong way.

“Well, good,” Yeji says. “I guess. Are you okay? You’re not planning a murder?”

“I am,” Soobin answers, although unsure which of the two. “This is why I had to come today, this is why I’m going to come here every single day until they leave you alone. If I have to, I will beat it out of them.”

“You promised you wouldn’t.”

“Right,” he nods and taps the wheel. Cars still have to go around him a little. “I’m gonna leave you at your junction, okay?” He looks in the rearview mirror at her. She just nods.

It’s quiet, but her street is close. He stops and she opens the door, stopping one more time. “Kai. For what’s it worth, if they ever try to do something to you… I will call Soobin.”

He looks at her and smiles, before she’s out and closing the door.

“You know, I can get out here too, I’m not too far from here-”

“No, you stay.”

Kai keeps his seatbelt on. “Can I play some music?”

“Music distracts me while I drive,” Soobin admits. He barely passed the driving exam.

“Do you want me to drive?”

“Do you even have a license?”

“No, but I can drive.”

“Are you crazy?” Soobin asks. “Does traffic safety mean nothing to you?”

“Not me who stopped in the middle of the road ready to beat someone up.”

“Well, I didn’t do it, did I?” Soobin snaps and they’re both quiet, looking out each respective window. “Kai. You are my friend. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. I don’t know what happened in the past with those guys, nor what could’ve happened the last time I was with you, but it will _never_ happen again. I will make sure of it.”

He can feel Kai’s eyes on him, but he’s staring at the wheel. “It’s not your job to protect me. I have my own way dealing with it.”

“You don’t have to do it alone anymore.”

“I wasn’t alone before you came along, Soobin! What makes you so different, what difference are _you_ going to make?”

_I am more sincere, _he wants so say._ I have strength. People are afraid of me enough to leave you alone. I want to protect you more. I want to be by your side more. I want… you._

The sharp breath he takes startles both of them at the same time. He almost chokes on his own breath, his own thoughts and dismisses them. That’s crazy thinking. That’s what you get for overthinking everything and making yourself try someone else’s feelings on your own skin.

“I am one more friend,” Soobin says. “Would you rather that you’re safe when leaving school than looking down and hoping they won’t be bored that day? You heard what Yeji said. _That_ comes from immense boredom and spite. I fucked up by reacting the way I did, just let me make up for it somehow.”

“At least you know you fucked up.”

“That’s all you have to say?”

“What do you want me to say? Yes, I want you to wait for me in front of school in your dad’s big ass car every single day for ten months?”

“This is my mother’s car.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” Kai is sarcastic but then he looks around. “It’s a nice car,” he says quietly, the irritation gone from his tone. It calms Soobin down too.

“Well. My father did choose it for her.”

Kai chuckles lightly and takes a deep sigh. “Doesn’t your mother need her car?”

“I can also walk very well. Your school’s not that far. Besides,” he hesitates, “Not like I have much to do once Yeonjun is gone.”

Kai laughs. “I am too nice to say yes to that. But. You’re right. You’re my friend. I shouldn’t get mad at you for wishing for my safety. Which I can grant myself, but suit yourself.”

He wants to say something, but embarrassingly remembers an anime episode. The girl was talking about bullying – how it’s usually the victim that feel ashamed. Ashamed to talk about it, not just to their friends, but parents, teachers, anyone. Embarrassment; for wanting help, for admitting to being the weaker one.

But Kai doesn’t seem embarrassed. He’s laughing. And he isn’t worried. He was more worried about the guy calling police on Soobin than himself. If that’s the attitude he gets for being used to it, then that’s upsetting and it makes him sad.

Yeonjun told him to talk to Kai. His mistake won’t be erased just by time. Kai is already getting wary and more careful around him. He needs to prove him he’s not like that, he doesn’t hate him. Far from it.

“Are you doing anything now?” Soobin asks.

Kai shrugs. “I was thinking of taking a nap. I haven’t gotten up so early in the morning all summer.”

“Let’s go somewhere.”

“Like?”

“It’s a warm day. Let’s go somewhere where it’s nice to sit outside. Like a-”

“Springhead?” Kai interrupts him. He didn’t think of it. Natural springhead just outside of city is a popular place during the summer, and he remembers going there as a kid. The water is warm, and the small waterfalls are pretty to look at.

“I haven’t been there in years.”

“Let’s go,” Kai smiles. “I love it there. I used to sit on the little bridge and soak my feet in the water.”

Soobin laughs. That’s what he used to do, too. He finally starts the car again and heads for the city exit. They make a stop to buy some peanuts and gummy bears, Kai insisting he ate well in school.

The springhead is a pretty sight; still green and neat. The city takes care of it. It’s Monday afternoon, people are either at work or at school so they are alone, only the sound of water and the wind breezing through surrounding them.

The little bridge Kai mentioned is gone, and several benches and tables are put up. It’s probably a picnic place now. They go up the made stairs a little uphill, to a place where they can stand and see the whole springhead and the brim of their city.

“It’s a shame,” Kai says. “I hoped I’d be able to sit there again.”

“At least it’s all wooden I guess.” Kai frowns. “I mean, it’s not ruining the nature.” Soobin explains.

Kai puts the hoodie on the grass and grunts as he sits down. He chuckles as he opens the bag of gummy bears.

“What’s so funny?” Soobin asks, hesitant to sit down. There’s enough place for him to sit next to him, but he feels like he would overdo it.

Kai laughs once again as he looks up at him. “I would never take as the type.”

“What type?”

“To care about that… stuff,” Kai aimlessly waves his hand. “You care about the food you eat, make sure to follow all traffic rules, preserving the nature… Do you recycle?”

“Of course I recycle, I’m not a savage,” Soobin says finally deciding to sit down. There’s a bump in his throat, something clenching his chest as he is too close, his left side feeling the warmth of Kai’s body. “If you don’t, you should start.”

“My sisters do, so I guess I sort of do too,” Kai says. “I’m gonna be playing only on Fridays from now on. And will probably move the piano inside during the winter.”

“Oh, so if I wanna hear you play then I _have_ to buy something? That’s excellent marketing strategy. _Hear the prodigy but only if you order!_”

“Prodigy!” Kai laughs. “You’re just sucking up to me because you want to know the song’s name.”

“Is it working?”

“No.”

“It’s just a song name.”

“No!” Kai insists. “Want gummy bears?”

“No!” Soobin mocks him. They’re quiet again and it’s not awkward. Even with all the thoughts going through Soobin’s mind, every single one of them making him finally speak, he knows all Kai hears is silence and he looks dreamy watching the scenery.

When he opens his mouth to speak, Kai beats him to it. “I would take one hell of a nap right here.”

And he needs to run away again. He was so close to bringing it up, to talking about it and he stands up so abruptly he gets dizzy. “I will be right back! Stay here, don’t move!”

He hears Kai yell something after him but in a daze he clumsily runs downhill and runs to the car. He presses his forehead against the car’s roof edge and whines. _What is wrong with you?_

Just say it. Be a man – be a decent human being who isn’t a coward.

He opens the trunk and gets out a small, thin blanket he knows his parents always carry along with first aid kit and other important stuff. He hopes the wind in his face while running back is enough to keep his head cool.

“You didn’t have to go back for that.” Kai says, surprised. Soobin feels like he maybe did too much. But Kai helps him get the blanket on the ground and lies down on his back. He sighs. “I like nice weather better. I don’t like autumn or winter.”

Soobin carefully lies on his back. All he can see is the clear sky behind the waving branches and he closes his eyes tightly, bracing for impact.

“Kai.”

Kai hums.

“I… I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For the day when we… When I got into a fight with that dude and you and I went to that abandoned building.” He can’t look at him. He feels his voice going weaker, like it’s going to break. There’s a stone on his chest. “And when we headed home…”

How. How is he even supposed to say it?

“Yes?” Kai asks, like he’s expecting, like he knows what Soobin is talking about.

“I’m sorry about the way I reacted to you.”

The silence is killing him. It’s just a moment and when he looks over at Kai- he’s already looking back at him. Inspecting, like he’s trying to find something or just looking. When their eyes meet, Kai tries to smile for a moment but he doesn’t succeed.

“Do you know why you did that?”

He was expecting Kai to laugh it off, to say it’s okay, to forgive him so he can sleep peacefully. But he hurt him with that small, simple thing and he can see it now.

“No,” Soobin answers but it sounds like a lie. “I’m not like that, I don’t… I don’t have a problem with you or who you are. I don’t know what that was. I… I’m so embarrassed I don’t even-”

Kai turns to his side with hands under his cheek and looks at Soobin. He looks tired, sleepy.

“I thought,” he says in a low voice and swallows hard before continuing, “That you had some problem with _me_. You are always so natural with Yeonjun, and Beomgyu, even Taehyun. And it seemed like you just suddenly had a problem with me.”

“No,” Soobin reacts fast. “I promise that’s not it.” He turns to the side too, now looking at Kai and wonders if that was a good idea. Their faces are close, and he feels like he’s intruding. But Kai just blinks at him. “I don’t know why I did that. I really…” _Like you_.

He inhales once more. Probably as a friend. As a person.

“I have decided to come out to my parents.”

“Oh.”

Kai’s blinking starts to slow down. He looks really sleepy. “My sisters know but my parents no. I’m going to do it this week.”

“Do your parents… What are you expecting?”

“I don’t know.” Kai laughs lazily, sleepy. “I just feel like I want to tell them. I don’t want to keep it a secret from anyone. But… I know my parents aren’t like Taehyun’s.”

“What are his parents like?” Soobin asks, his voice quieter even when he doesn’t realize it. Kai looks like he’s going to fall asleep. He shifts a little and puts a hand between him and Soobin.

“Supportive. His mom caused a whole uproar and threatened to sue a bunch of kids and the whole school when they broke his locker. I was… That was nice.” Kai is drifting away and mumbles something before Soobin realized he’s fully asleep. He looks cute, his face is small and peaceful, and Soobin lets him sleep. He must’ve been really tired.

So even someone like Taehyun has went through something like that.

It’s cold and the wind wakes him up. He abruptly sits up, hand going for his phone. It takes him a moment to realize where he is – the springhead, the hill, the blanket, Kai next to him, still sleeping. It’s dark; only source of light is the moonlight.

“Fuck. Kai. Hey.” He touches his arm and shakes him a little until Kai wakes up, looking lost. “We fell asleep.”

“Mm… what’s the time?”

“Nine fifteen.”

He’s ready to stand up when he feels a hand on his forearm, pulling him back. “No. Stay. I don’t wanna go home just yet.”

His father must be home. They are waiting to be angry about him taking the car – but he lies back down and looks at Kai. He’s on his back, staring up.

“This was a great nap.”

“It’s been almost six hours.”

Kai laughs. It’s cute when he laughs like that.

“That’s what makes it great.” He sighs. It’s cold from the wind. Summer nights seem to be leaving them. “You can’t see the stars.”

“Maybe they’re taking a nap now.” There’s a silence before Soobin bursts into shameful laugh with hands over his face. Kai chuckles next to him. “That was such a weird thing to say.”

“No, it’s… unexpected.”

“When I was a kid, I refused to believe stars were always there, I was convinced that they leave. So, my mother couldn’t take me being stubborn or stupid and made me believe stars were actually sleeping while they were gone. Like… taking a nap. I believed that shit until we got astronomy in school.”

“That’s-” Kai chuckles lightly. “There’s a book that says a similar thing. And…” He suddenly whispers. “When you open it, it would play a song, a soft melody.”

It takes him a moment until realization hits him. “What? You don’t mean…”

“It took me years to recreate it,” Kai says. “I’m not sure I even got it right. I never found the books again. It’s like… they existed in some distant past, a past life, and just disappeared like magic. That is probably why you never could find it. You never knew what to look for either.”

“A children’s book?” Soobin blinks, still taken aback. “What’s the name of the book?”

Kai laughs and sits up. “That is all you’re getting today. For holding back and not causing a problem with that dude. Let’s go now.”

Yeonjun left when the rain started, despite Soobin and Beomgyu explaining in details why dropping out of college would be a great idea. Kai tried to pretend Yeonjun leaving doesn’t affect him, but got really happy like a kid when Yeonjun said he already planned how and when they’re _all_ going to visit him.

Soobin just wishes it wasn’t so busy and loud around Yeonjun leaving. He needed his best friend at the moment, he needed to get it out, to say it out loud – just to hear what it sounds like.

He got in a lot of trouble and yelling, bringing up past mistakes and events when he got home too late. His father was mad his mother let him take his car, his mother was mad she was discovered letting up. Yuna sat on the stairs and would make a grimace Soobin’s way every now and then.

Kai claps his hands a few times, “Okay, I’m doing it tonight.”

“You’ve been saying that for two weeks,” Beomgyu says from the back seat. “Why is Kai on the front seat, I’m older.”

“I like him better,” Soobin says and chokes on his own words. He hopes they don’t notice the way he hits his own chest right after.

“I hate gay people,” Beomgyu mumbles. Soobin stops too abruptly at the red light and Beomgyu curses loudly.

“I’m going to do it for real,” Kai says. “I’ve planned it out. We already planned a family dinner – I thought I don’t wanna ruin it, but if not then, then when? And my sisters already know since when I was, like, ten.”

“Was it your dancing abilities?” Beomgyu teases.

“Shut up.”

“You can dance?” Soobin asks. He doesn’t turn on the blinker, causing someone to honk behind him in the rain. It could be slippery and all he can do is yell out an apology that won’t be heard.

Kai laughs like he’s embarrassed. “I used to go to dance classes when I was a kid. We used to learn Tango and Cha-cha-cha… Mambo too. It was embarrassing.”

“My mother taught me too,” Soobin says.

“That’s gay,” Beomgyu adds.

“God, I hope my parents don’t kill me.” Kai says looking out the window. “I’m kinda afraid, but I really wanna do it.”

“Whereas I will never tell them. I hope I end up with a girl so I never have to tell them.”

Beomgyu’s tone is happy when he says it, but a slight note of fear or wistfulness creeps in. Soobin frowns, “Aren’t you gay?”

He sees Beomgyu shrug in the rearview mirror. “I guess I use the label bisexual. But… I feel like I like boys better. Maybe I am fully gay. I don’t know. There’s time to decide on that. Label is like… the least important thing.”

“Ah,” Soobin nods and wonders if he’s been to fixed on a label. Maybe he should’ve spent more time examining his own feelings rather than just thinking _Am I gay?_

“I used to think about the label too much. I was so afraid of being gay. I think I’m even more afraid now that I know I am. But I stopped worrying about something being wrong with me; I just started worrying more how to hide it from people. I am _never_ going to tell my parents. The mere thought terrifies me.”

“Me too,” Kai whispers.

“Then you’re braver than me. I envy you.”

“It’s like… it’s who I am. I can’t hide it from them anymore. I miss my mom. I want to tell her everything about who I like and just talk to her without being afraid of her accidentally finding out.”

“I never had that kind of relationship with my mom,” Beomgyu says. “Kai. I think your parents will be okay with it.”

“Mom maybe. My dad is the problem. I don’t think he’ll take it well. I was thinking of telling only her first but… I think I should just rip off the bandage.”

“Tell us how it goes,” says Soobin, who was just carefully listening to them. “I’ll be home.”

“I miss Yeonjun,” Beomgyu says with a deep sigh. “This is so unfair. I can’t wait to move away. Also, I might tell my parents once I’m stable on my own. Like… if they disown me, I don’t have to go homeless.”

Kai starts laughing at him but Soobin frowns. The things they have to think about. It’s scary, it’s terrifying and he’s avoiding it. He has to.

He’s been with girls before. He liked them. They were cool and pretty, and he liked spending time with them. But when he sneaks a look at Kai, he gets a feeling all over the surface of his skin, like the air around him is dancing and his thoughts mend one into another like bright colors on the wet road at night.

The feeling in his chest, the closest he came to it was overdosing on coffee so he wouldn’t sleep like he can feel it beat against his ribs, in his throat, in his ears. He feels like he’s shaking, he can’t stand still and the more he accepts it, it gets worse.

He still hasn’t dared to think it. Because once he does, he’s screwed.

The annoying ringtone wakes him up from a nap. He feels disoriented when he picks up, but sobers up hearing Kai’s voice.

“I did it.”

He doesn’t sound well.

“I’m… I’m really wet right now.”

He sniffles.

“My clothes are soaked and I’m cold. And I…” He chokes up on his words. Soobin’s heart beats faster, but not like usual. He afraid.

The moment you go dizzy, when you feel something bad happening. Like when you hear someone got into an accident, and you feel it happening, you feel it being real wishing it was a bad dream. Kai is crying.

“Where are you? I’ll come pick you up.”

“I am actually… near what I think is your street. Fancy neighborhood.” He laughs through a sniffle but swallows a sob at the end. “There’s… an ugly red house.”

“Stay there, I’ll be there in three minutes.”

He hangs up looking at the clock. It’s past nine in the evening. The rain is still pouring and he closes the window. It’s cold. Putting on the jacket, he opens the door to Yuna’s room without knocking.

“Hey!” She yells from the floor, taking off her headphones.

“I think something happened to Kai. Can you bring clean sheets to the guest room? I’m going to get him.”

“Oh, god. Yes. Go.”

He runs out the house, his parents no present in the living room or the entire first floor and grabs an umbrella at the exit. He runs through two other yards, jumping over the fence on one of them, in order to reach two streets down where Kai is.

It’s dark and he barely notices him sitting in a bus stop. His hair is damp, glued to his forehead and his gaze is empty staring forward. When he looks up at Soobin, he looks like a lost puppy, ready to cry every second. He stands up and slowly approaches Soobin, hugging him with both his arms and resting his face into his shoulder.

“It’s okay,” Soobin breathes and Kai hugs him tighter. He hugs back with one arm, sighing. It didn’t go well. He’s shaking himself; what Kai must feel must be terrifying.

“My dad… He…”

“You can sleep over as much as you need,” Soobin says. “We’ll tell my mother you were supposed to be home alone but you lost the keys and your parents aren’t coming home yet. Is that okay? Although I think my mother would be okay with the truth.”

“No, please. Thank you. Just..”

“You’ll catch a cold like this. Let’s go, it’s not far from here.”

Kai is quiet, and keeps shivering every now and then, clinging to Soobin and his side. Soobin tries to hold it in, to not cry for him and god knows how much he wants to. He gives Kai some of his clothes and lets him use the bathroom to take a warm shower.

“Hey, what happened?” Yuna whispers in the hallway. “I brought the sheets to the room next to yours.”

“With the big bed? That’s okay.” Usually when people sleep over, they use rooms on the third floor, full of useless old boxes his mother is too attached to to throw away. The room next to Soobin’s has a big bed no one ever uses and very little light during the day. “He…” He looks around and lowers his voice more. “He came out to his parents. He didn’t tell me yet what happened but-”

“What are you two doing?” His mother startles him, looking over her glasses suspiciously standing at the door to her office.

“Hey!” Soobin yells too loud. “I brought a friend over. He was supposed to be home alone but his parents took the key. And he was in the rain. So he’ll sleep over. In that room.”

“What? Why would you use that room? There’s plenty of space upstairs. And you’re grounded, no friends!”

“But he needs help,” Soobin argues.

“He’s my friend too,” Yuna comes to help.

“It’s school night.”

“We won’t be loud. We’ll go to sleep now.” Soobin says. Yuna enthusiastically nods.

His mother is sceptic, but she lets it go and tells them where she hid the snacks because they can’t have guests feeling unwelcome.

Kai looks better when he comes out in Soobin’s hoodie, the sleeves a little too long and it looks warm and cute. Yuna does nothing else but greet him once and offers him some chips, but Kai doesn’t feel like eating.

Soobin shows him to the room and Kai thanks him too many times. He sits on the bed, legs crossed and rubs his face. “I’m sorry I called you. I just didn’t know where to go.”

“It’s okay, you’re welcome here. Here’s a spare charger.”

“Thanks.”

“Do you feel better?”

“My father, he…” Kai rubs his face once again. “He just started at me. With disgust, disappointment… My mother started crying. I felt like… like they found out I killed their other child.”

Soobin sits down and decides to listen. The light in the room flickers. It’s very dim anyway and he wonders when was the last time anyone changed the bulb.

“He started yelling at me. And when my sisters started to tell him to stop… or to not try and hit me, he just- he started yelling at them too. He said no way in hell his son could be gay. He blamed it on the internet. The Americans. Blamed my mother. Said I should’ve read the Bible more carefully. Said he’d make me read the Bible and go to church. Yelled at my sisters. Almost hit my older sister because she was yelling back. And my mom, she just… She just sobbed and cried the whole time. She said nothing. Not even when he was yelling at her. Not when he wanted to hit my sister. She just… sat there and cried.”

Soobin takes a deep shaky breath. Kai isn’t even crying. He’s just blankly staring forward.

“He said no more piano. No more going out after school. No more bringing friends over. No more internet. No more phone. Computer only for school purposes. And for some reason he wants to ship me off to an all boys boarding school which makes zero sense.”

Soobin chuckles when Kai does. “Maybe you should listen on that one.”

“Yeah, right. It will be like Sisters of Quiet Mercy.”

“What?”

“Ah… A religious school that does conversion therapy from a TV show. Never mind.”

“God!” Soobin yells out. “You think he’d do that? My father knows some good lawyers, they can’t send you off to that.”

“No, no,” Kai shakes his head. “He’ll cool down. He will. In a few days.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, he will. My sisters will talk sense into him. He threw me out in the rain, it will eat him alive. He just… he needs to mull it over for a few days and then come to an answer what to do with me. I know him.”

“And your mother?”

Kai shrugs. “Maybe I was wrong. I don’t think my relationship with her will go to the old. Ever. She was so… devastated. You should’ve seen the look in her eyes. And I’ve never seen her cry. It was… I broke her heart.”

His eyes finally start to fill up with tears and Soobin doesn’t want him to hold it in. He doesn’t know the right words to say, he can’t help him in any way but be there for his, as a friend should be. He can offer him clothes and a place to sleep at, but no amount of comfort will erase the fact he needs his family. He is only seventeen.

“I think…” He stops to wipe away tears before they fall. “My sisters haven’t texted me. They probably took their phones away. I need to call Taehyun. I don’t want to be a bother here, I could just go to his place; his parents know about us anyway…”

“You are _not_ a bother here,” Soobin assures him. He touches the warm mug of tea that Yuna brought demanding that Kai doesn’t catch a cold. “I think you can drink your tea now.”

“Thank you,” Kai says but his voice breaks and he starts crying.

Soobin’s heart breaks. He wishes he could say something to make it better. To make him suffer less. To fix the world for him. He wishes to wrap him up, to keep him warm, to squeeze the unhappiness from him.

And acting without his mind on, he hugs him, presses him tightly to his chest even if he could hear his heartbeat. He feels his warmth, and his sorrow, and wants to cry with him. His hair is still a little wet, and he brings him even closer. In an absentminded moment he kisses his hair, softly, maybe not even noticeable; but Kai starts crying harder.

He likes Kai so much his own heart hurts like a thousand daggers piercing through it.

He is screwed.

Game over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> +[twitter](https://twitter.com/ITBOYEONJUN)  
+[curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/angela133)


	3. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soobin finally accepts his feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger warnings!!!** violence, mention of blood !!
> 
> Sorry it took me this long to post 🙏

Not like he’s freaking out. He just can’t seem to catch a break; he can’t calm down, endlessly walking upstairs-downstairs, opening the fridge for the sake of it or stuffing his mouth with chips Yuna thinks she hides well.

“You’re pretty skinny for someone who doesn’t eat anything but peanuts and chips.”

Kai is standing at his room’s door, wearing Soobin’s jeans and a t-shirt. It’s day three.

“I work out,” Soobin lies and Kai laughs, walking in and sitting down on the side of Soobin’s bed where he’s laying down.

“My sister just texted me,” Kai says. “She says she’ll come pick me up in a few hours.”

“Oh,” Soobin says, half upset that Kai is leaving and won’t be roaming the house like it’s his own. The other half is relieved. He will finally have some time to think about it in silence and maybe ask someone for help. Yeonjun seems like the best option. “What happens now?”

Kai shrugs. “We’ll see. We probably won’t see each other for some time. I’m guessing they will use their power over a minor son to take away all my freedom.”

“I can still pick you up from school.”

Kai makes a small grateful smile. “It’s better that you don’t.”

Soobin wants to protest, but he nods. He’s seen Kai these days. Maybe he kept convincing himself that his parents will be okay – but he knows deep down what’s going to happen. He knew it’s going to be a tough month or two. Or a year.

“I like your parents,” Kai shoots a thumb in the direction of Soobin’s mother’s office.

“They’re okay, I guess.”

“Are they homophobic?”

Soobin stops for a moment. “I don’t know. Probably.”

“Your mom is really cool. You’re nothing like her.”

“Jeez. Thanks.”

Kai laughs, “That’s not what I meant. I mean… she’s really loud, but in a good way. Like… She’s the center of attention and always at the front, while you silently draw attention from the back, over time.”

Soobin thinks about it. “Do you mean me listening to your playing?”

“Yeah,” Kai chuckles. “I always wondered how many times you must’ve come close to me and I never noticed you. Who would’ve thought I’d be seeking shelter from you one day.”

Soobin laughs. “Destiny, huh?” He kicks himself mentally. That’s the worst thing he wanted to say, but Kai is laughing again, like he does anytime Soobin says something stupid as that.

“Thank you,” Kai says finally. “I know Taehyun would help me too, but… I felt like I wanted to be with you. Taehyun’s parents being so supportive of him would probably kill me.”

“I would do it again. And if you ever need again…”

“I know, thank you. I’m gonna miss being waken up by your mother screaming at the _Bachelor_.”

Soobin laughs, embarrassed. “We got used to it. She watches the two a.m. reruns, yeah.”

Kai is silent for a moment and Soobin can tell he’s thinking about something, or thinking of a way to express it. He’s still frowning when he looks at him.

“I know all families have their own thing and stuff they don’t share with anyone beside themselves. Like secrets, or just behaviors that happen and that’s normal, that’s what family does. But I can’t imagine what could have happened for you to be… That rebellious.”

He’s taken aback with the question. He figured sometime, Kai would get comfortable enough to ask. It stings, the question. He wished Kai, as his friend, wouldn’t think about that.

“Sorry. That was probably assuming and prying too much. I didn’t mean to.”

“No, no,” Soobin shakes his head and slowly gets up, putting the chips bag aside. “There is no particular reason. All that stuff that happened was when I was a kid. And the more they made me see professionals and attend anger management classes, it got worse. I don’t even know why,” Soobin purses his lips in thought. “I just remember being angry. Just- so angry, all the time. I still do feel like that sometimes.”

Kai’s voice gets lower, “Are you ever angry at me?”

Soobin can’t help but chuckle. So cute. “No. Why would I be angry with you? You’re like a cute puppy. It’s actually very calming.”

Kai frowns like he’s offended, but comes back from it quickly. “Sometimes you have that look in your eyes. Like when you attacked Dongheon, or when you hear from Junseo, or like that time in the car when Yeji said what Dongheon said. It can be scary. I don’t know what you’re going to do.”

“I don’t want you to be afraid of me.”

“I’m not,” Kai says reassuringly quickly. “Those are just moments. I know you. You are really kind and overprotective. I was just-” Kai shakes his head and awkwardly laughs. “I guess I was just wondering what drives a person like you to fight people with fists.”

“Usually them being idiots,” Soobin says and smiles. “Don’t worry. I can – well, I can _try_ to keep my composure now. It’s good to have a goal or a reason that makes you calm down. Like you saying you’d give me the song name. Asshole.”

“So I’m helping? That’s great!”

“Of course you are. I’m going to miss you around here. Yuna is too good at games so I always lose. It was nice playing with someone who sucks more than I do.”

“Thank you,” Kai says, “That’s really going to make it hard for me to leave.”

Kai’s sister came for him and after that, Soobin hasn’t heard from him except for the one time Yeji told him Kai’s under every possible surveillance and grounded on all basis.

Pretty much what Kai said would happen.

Soobin misses him. It was fun having someone randomly send you memes or good night texts. The more he thinks about it, Kai is a great friend. He always cares and never forgets. He just wishes it would pass soon.

He can’t stop thinking about him. Replaying moments in his head, replaying conversations or imagining new ones. What them seeing each other will look like. He wants to hug him, to feel his warmth and be sure he is all right. He wants to be there for him.

Instead, he finds himself hanging out with Beomgyu more than he’s ever thought he would and Beomgyu is… annoying. Yeonjun type of annoying.

“Get your feet off the table,” he tells him. Beomgyu listens, wins the game, and mockingly chuckles into Soobin’s face. He wants to kick him.

“Loser!”

“Just leave me alone,” Soobin mumbles. He’s not sure how it happened – but Beomgyu would text him asking for Kai, or would randomly text about missing Yeonjun and wanting someone to talk about Yeonjun. Texting turned to hanging out, turning to Beomgyu barely leaving Soobin’s house.

“You love my company. I know you do. I smell like Yeonjun.”

Soobin makes a grimace, “No, you do not.”

“Yes, I do. I started using the same deodorant and aftershave as him.” He’s too proud of it.

“That’s really weird and stalker-y.”

“I don’t care what you have to say,” Beomgyu says. “This way I feel closer to him.” He waves his hand in front of his face like he’s gathering the air around him.

“He’s not fucking dead,” Soobin says but Beomgyu doesn’t care.

He’s pretty sure Beomgyu is only around because he wants some connection to Yeonjun. He barely listens to what Soobin says, which in this case works perfectly.

“Can I ask you something?” Soobin asks. Beomgyu starts another game. As if Soobin doesn’t suck enough with full concentration; but he still plays.

“Shoot.”

“Why a dating app?”

He watches as Beomgyu briefly frowns before he kills of some of Soobin’s best army. “Well, what else?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” he makes a pause to kill off more of Soobin’s army. He’s going to lose even faster. “We live in a small town. We aren’t even that close to any big town. A gay bar would be burned to the ground probably the same week it’s made; no one would dare go in there. And I’m not old enough for bars anyway.”

“I just feel like a dating app is dangerous.”

Beomgyu shrugs. “That’s why I used an alias.”

“You used more than half of your real name.”

“Still,” Beomgyu insists. “Honestly? Yeah. It was filled with creeps, but I don’t think all were creeps. I think I just think of really older men as creeps for talking to me. It’s not that uncommon. They offer money for stuff. You know; all kinds of stuff. And many were nice after I rejected them.”

“Many meaning there weren’t nice ones?”

“What to expect?” Beomgyu says and sighs disappointedly. “You aren’t even playing! It’s too easy to kick your ass.”

“I’m bad at games,” Soobin puts down the controller. “Come on, tell me.”

Beomgyu bends his one leg and turns to Soobin. “I don’t know where the sudden interest comes from, but here’s why I did it. I just did. I don’t know. I think I wanted to meet someone and date. I didn’t think that would actually happen. I’m very aware most of those apps are for hook-ups. I only decently talked to one dude other than Yeonjun. It’s a miracle I met Yeonjun that way.”

“So, what’s it called?” Soobin asks. “The app?”

“You wanna try?” Beomgyu teases and laughs. Soobin is taken aback and feels exposed, he doesn’t laugh and feels like he made a mistake when Beomgyu suddenly stops laughing and scratches his head, looking down – or for something. He even makes a small ‘oh’ sound and Soobin wants to stop him but he is unable to do anything. “Can I?” He waves Soobin’s phone as he grabs him from the table.

“Um. Yeah.”

He’s feeling lost. There’s tingling over his shoulders, and he feels his hands shaking. He’s biting his lip as Beomgyu frowns at his phone. He’s aware. Beomgyu knows. And he’s holding Soobin’s phone. For what?

“Here,” Beomgyu scoots over next to Soobin so they can both see the phone. “It’s called OyeGay. Lame name, I know. It’s only for gay men, so I guess no chances of any of your ex-girlfriends finding you.”

“I’m not-”

“So, when you log in, you can choose your preferences. Age, distance, if you want just to talk, a relationship, hook up; you can even choose if you like someone tall or short, or skinny or… well, you get the idea. You can play with that.”

Beomgyu is talking like he usually does, but Soobin is shaking. It’s scary. It’s scarier than he thought. He wonders how Kai felt when he told him. Or how Yeonjun felt when he finally told Soobin. He remembers Yeonjun’s face, how he had expected a reaction, a slight fear of the outcome.

And he finally understands him.

“There’s even hairy or shaved preference, you wouldn’t believe,” Beomgyu laughs. “I once played with it when I was bored, and dude. The people you can find on these things. Oh, also, it requires your photo, but you don’t have to do it. Most apps require a clear photo of your face, but you don’t have to do it.”

“Beomgyu, I-”

Beomgyu lowers the phone and makes a small smile at Soobin, friendly and it makes Soobin feel safe. It makes him even wonder if this is the kind of feeling that drew Yeonjun to him.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. I mean, you asked and I told you. I can pretend it never happened.”

“No, that’s not it,” Soobin mumbles and rubs his face. What is he doing? He’s not sure himself, and the plan was to tell Yeonjun. To ask Yeonjun, and take the time apart from Kai to actually set his feelings right.

He feels Beomgyu’s hands on his as he lowers them and makes Soobin look into his eyes. “It’s less scary than you think.”

“You don’t understand. My mother… my father… I can’t be- it’s not okay, I can’t, I can’t-” He’s shaking his head and there’s the familiar feeling of losing himself, but not in anger this time.

When he would get angry, he would feel a sudden blood rush straight into his fist, an afflux of energy, a buzz in his ears and a total loss of sense of self. And he would hit something, someone, he would yell, scream, anything. And the feeling would slowly leave, bring down his high.

But this time, it’s helplessness. A big ball of air in his throat is stopping him from talking, he can’t find the words, he can’t yell. And he can’t do anything about it. It’s real. It’s happening.

It’s out there. Not anymore just safe in his head. He made it real. And he regrets it. He’s not ready.

“Why are you crying? You _can’t_?” Beomgyu frowns and has a laugh under it, like he’s taking on the mood where he teases again. Soobin jerks his hand away to wipe the tears he didn’t realize were there. He’s shocked once more. He can’t remember the last time he’d cried.

And he’s embarrassed. He hasn’t cried in front of anyone since he was a moody toddler.

“You’re like the most obvious person ever!” Beomgyu says. “I swear your eyes take on heart shape every time Huening speaks a word!”

The way Beomgyu yells at him, laughs – Soobin wants to deny, to act offended but instead he laughs through the tears. He’s pretty sure he laughs over a sob.

He feels a rush of countless feelings inside and he can’t stop laughing.

“Watching someone play a piano for months from afar is the least straight thing I have ever heard in my life,” Beomgyu adds and Soobin laughs again.

“That’s-” he wipes his eyes, “I swear it’s not like that.”

“Taking him to the springhead after school to nap on a freaking picnic blanket? Are you fucking kidding me?”

Soobin opens mouth to protest, and he’s embarrassed.

Beomgyu squeezes his eyes resentfully, “He’s even worse. The easiness in his voice while he told me. He’s so clueless, god bless.”

“That’s good!” Soobin says but Beomgyu dismisses him with a wave of hand.

“_Oh, Soobin bought me snacks, then we took a walk, saw a movie and he walked me home. He’s so nice, he even sent me a good night text. His parents raised him well_.” Beomgyu took on a mocking voice, supposed to be Kai and Soobin laughs at the ridiculousness of it all.

“We get it!” Soobin uses his sleeve to wipe what’s left of those few pathetic tears. “Okay, we get it. I’m pathetic and obvious and-”

“So gay,” Beomgyu adds and laughs again. Maybe it’s good that he’s laughing. Because Soobin definitely feels better. The words dig in deep, but he still laughs. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I won’t use that word. Please don’t faint.” He lets Soobin breathe for another minute before he asks, “You feeling better?”

“Embarrassed.”

“Well.”

“Please don’t tell anyone.”

“Of course,” Beomgyu says. “So you wanna try out that dating app or…?”

“God, no.”

“Right!” Beomgyu yells like he’s apologizing. “Kai. Right. I have no idea what to do right now.”

“You… you did enough,” Soobin says. “I was probably on the brink of a breakdown over this anyway and Yeonjun is so far away…”

“And Kai is off the grid.”

“That’s… I just hope he’s alright.” He sighs and Beomgyu silently agrees with a nod.

It surprises him when Beomgyu takes his hand and holds it firmly. “I know his family. His dad wouldn’t beat him.”

It’s almost comedic, Soobin thinks.

It’s five in the morning, and he’s lying down on his bed. Music plays from the earphones too loudly, but it calms him in a way. He’s thinking about Kai and Beomgyu’s words haunt him.

_His dad wouldn’t beat him._

That’s the world he just threw himself into. The world where it’s “not that bad” if your parent doesn’t hit you. The world of hiding, and being afraid and that’s exactly what he feels.

He is so afraid. For the first time in his life, the _What will people say?_ stays clearly in his mind. He doesn’t care what people think. He never cared if they’d think he’s stupid because of bad grades, he never cared if his fighting will make him look bad.

But what will people think? What kind of thoughts will go through their heads? With what kind of eyes will they look at him?

He’s used to side looks, but he always knew what they were thinking.

“Mom is asking you to her study.”

Yuna is out before she’s even finished and he sighs. No matter how rebellious he’d get, he always had to do his own laundry and he’s been slacking off. His mother goes out her way to tell him that.

She’s sitting at her desk, work in front of her as she takes off her reading glasses. She intertwines her fingers under her chin and looks up at Soobin. He senses it’s not about laundry, so he waits.

“I was waiting on you to tell me, but seems like you had no such intention.” He makes a confused face. “I’ve seen the Huenings the other day.”

“Okay? I didn’t know you knew them. What are they like?”

“Mm,” she shakes her head. “I saw them while your friend Kai was here.” Did she say the word friend in a weird way or is he imagining it? She knows. She’s going to kick him out of the house. It can be seen on him. He feels like he’s wearing a big sign that says GAYYYY on his forehead.

“Oh.” Play it cool.

“Come on,” she tilts her head in a friendly way. His heart is beating. “Tell me what happened. What did your friend do?”

She doesn’t know. She just knows it wasn’t a forgotten key. That’s all she knows.

“Ah. I’m sorry.”

“For lying?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s okay,” she says with soft eyes. “I know you had good intentions. You just helped your friend. But I’m your mother; you have to tell me the truth. I never heard anyone of the Huenings doing something bad enough to be kicked out. We never kicked _you_ out,” she laughs and then stops. “Or did he run away?”

“He didn’t.” Soobin says and takes a deep breath to prepare. She’s right. He can’t lie to her forever. “Kai is in high school still, so there were some… rumors about him. Like, the other kids calling him gay.” He gulps when he says it. Her reaction is calculated. She slightly frowns and slowly nods, encouraging him to continue. “So his father found out and… told him to not come home.”

“Is he?”

“What?”

“Kai. Is he gay?”

“I think.” That’s the best he can do at the moment. He’s afraid. What if she notices?

“Soobin,” she sighs. “Sweetie, you look terrified right now. I just asked you a question. Not like I can do anything about it now, right?”

“That’s- that’s none of mine or your business. What- what he is and what he… isn’t.” He’s stammering and he’s aware, and his mother is aware of it. But he isn’t breaking the eye contact. He’s doing this. “Would you still let him stay over if I told you the truth right away?”

“Of course! What kind of person you think I am? I just think it wasn’t our place to meddle in someone else’s life like tha-”

“See! That’s why I didn’t tell you! You wouldn’t let him sleep here like he’s disgusting or something, I knew that would happen and-”

“Hey!” She raises her voice to make him stop. “Don’t interrupt me while I speak! It wasn’t our place,” she says more calmly, telling him to tone it down with her hand before he can say something again, “Considering our past with the Huenings. If they had family issues, and we meddled…”

“What past?” Soobin asks.

His mother sighs, leaning back. “It’s a small town. Kai’s mother and I used to be friends. I never told you because I never thought you would actually be friends with him again. I remember Kai from when he was a baby. He was really small,” she smiles. “I don’t think you would remember; you were a small kid too.”

“I had no idea. You were friends? What happened?”

His mother shrugs. “We had some disagreements. Huenings thought we could help them about some financial stuff, but we actually couldn’t do anything about it. Your father isn’t a miracle worker, you know. So, they stopped talking to us.”

“Oh. I wonder if Kai knows.”

“Probably not. Or yes, since you’ve given this family quite the reputation,” she says. “He seemed like a nice, polite boy. I doubt he’d say anything even if he knew. I wouldn’t expect his father to actually throw him out the house.”

“Yeah,” Soobin whispers. “You wouldn’t do that?”

“No, God. Soobin,” she purses his lips and sighs. “Just tell me truth in the future. Huenings have a nice reputation in this town. I don’t want any talking going around, or them saying I’m turning their own son against them.”

“I was thinking,” he says and stops. “And I’m stepping all over my pride when I say this. But I want to find a job and… maybe decide on a college to go to next year. If you guys change your mind about… paying for it.”

His mother looks surprised, raising her chin and nods impressed. “So none of that _I’m never going to school!, I can’t control myself!, You can’t control me!, You don’t understand me at all_ bullshit anymore?”

She’s making fun of him but he figures he’s deserved it. He bites the inside of his mouth. “No.”

“So you can vouch you won’t make any trouble?”

“I-” He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He can’t lie again, but then he remembers his promise to Kai and the resolution in his mind becomes clearer. “I think.”

“You wanna go see a therapist again?”

“No.”

“Okay,” she says quickly, like she doesn’t want to ruin the moment that is happening. “So, do you need any help with the work? I’m sure your father would need help.”

“I can handle it myself. I can promise you that.”

“Okay,” she says. He can see it in her eyes. She wants to say she’s proud, she wants to make fun of him, to boast, but she’s keeping it in. No matter how irritated he’s just become, he still respects that she’s aware of the best way to communicate with him. “You do that and we will think about your college based on how well you do. You can go now.”

She dismisses him by opening her laptop again and reaching for the glasses. An euphoric feeling goes through him as he closes the door behind him. It took courage in him to do this. And now that he’s said it, he needs to make it happen.

* * *

It happens after he’s gotten a job – he listened to Kai and asked the owner of the restaurant to help out. He seemed sceptic at first, but still left Soobin with a job even after seven broken glasses and three plates in two weeks.

He was nice and understanding – and took it out of his pay, but it was fair.

**Kai** 16:19

Hi

**You** 16:23

oh my god???  
kai??  
i didn’t see your message  
are you still here??

**Kai** 16:23

Yes!  
My sister let me use her phone

**You** 16:24

oh my god  
are you okay  
did anything happen to you  
is all alright?  
are you doing well  
are you eating well  
are you coming back

**Kai** 16:24

Hey slow down there  
don’t panic  
I’m still grounded  
but my mom mentioned something about going back to playing  
they might let me play again

**You** 16:25

╥﹏╥  
i’m so happy  
so i’ll get to see you soon?

**Kai** 16:25

I really hope so!!  
I miss you

**You** 16:25

i miss you too

**Kai** 16:25

all  
hahah yes I miss you especially!!  
but don’t tell anyone that

**You** 16:26

that was embarrassing  
but I’ll believe you  
promise you’re fine?

**Kai** 16:26

I promise

“I talked to Kai,” Soobin tells Beomgyu. It’s cold, but it’s late afternoon so the place is mostly empty. Beomgyu is shivering as he raises his eyebrows.

“Is he okay?”

“Yeah, I think. He said he might be coming back soon.”

“Maybe we’ll get both him and Yeonjun for the New Year’s,” Beomgyu says with a hopeful sparkle in his eyes. “You think your parents would let us stay at your place?”

“Actually, some of the people that came around here mentioned a party and invited me,” Soobin says. “Turns out a lot more people actually talk to waiters than I originally thought. Maybe we could all go.”

Beomgyu thinks about it. “My parents are a little less strict for New Year’s as long as I’m out the house. I _know_ Yeonjun wouldn’t miss a party, but we have to see with Kai and Taehyun.”

“Right. I hope to see Kai before that.”

“Oh, right!” Beomgyu snaps his fingers. “Did I tell you about that _Facebook_ group?”

“Which one?”

“For gay people.”

Soobin carefully looks around to make sure no one heard him and leans in across the bar. “I’m listening.”

“Well, it’s kind of a closed group that you can get in only if someone adds you – to make sure no outsiders see it. I’ll add you. You’ll see, it’s all-purpose. It’s mostly local LGBT people who ask for help, trivial things like movie recommendations, anything really. You’ll see.”

“Okay,” Soobin frowns. “Is there anyone I know?”

“Well yeah,” Beomgyu laughs, getting his wallet out. “Me, Yeonjun, Kai, Taehyun.”

“Oh. But I didn’t tell them.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Beomgyu says. “I know none of them use it. I just sometimes chat will cool people. There’s many older ones, so don’t be much surprised if you see someone familiar. Just ignore the fact you know them, they’ll do the same.”

He listens to Beomgyu that night, when he gets a notification he’s been added. The curiosity gets the better of him and he opens the timeline. The last post is a girl sharing a school event and inviting people to come; before that is a poll on who is the gay icon: Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Lana Del Rey, or Ariana Grande. He finds it a little weird considering none of those celebrities are queer.

There’s someone asking if the food is good at the new fast food place downtown; ask for help preparing for finals; ask for movie recommendations where no one gay dies. Seems like a regular group.

Someone asked experience of coming out, but only a few people answered. The others haven’t done it.

**Kang Taehyun  
**I was lucky enough to have accepting parents, but if your parents are the way you describe them, I suggest you wait for a safe environment. Like when you move out, when you’re financially stable; in a time where they can’t restrict you or make your life a living hell when they find out.

Taehyun’s comment sparked a discussion, people agreeing with him or adding their own two cents; some recommendations and tips, and Soobin closes it. He’s not ready to go thought that. It’s stressful enough as it is.

And then he sees it.

**Huening Kai**

Hey I just well. I just came out to my parents and they kinda kicked me out but I’m sure they’ll come around so I was wondering if anyone has a place for me to stay overnight? Thank you!

There’s more than fifteen replies. A few replies are saying they would help if they didn’t live with their parents themselves, and others are people offering him a place to stay. He had made sure to answer to everyone and say he has found a place with a friend and that he’s being taken care of.

Before he realizes, he’s tearing up and opening his last conversation with Kai. He’s been online two hours ago. And as he reads it, a new message from a girl that comes to the restaurant comes. She’s making a small get-together, whatever that means – and it’s only nine in the evening. What the hell.

* * *

“You have lost your freaking mind!” Yeonjun is screaming in the phone so loud his head is pulsating. “I got worried! Where the hell were you?”

Soobin tries to talk but something akin to a grunt comes out. “My head hurts.”

“How did you get home? Are you even safe? Your mom will kill you. What did she say?”

Soobin looks at the time. It’s past noon. “I just woke up. I don’t- Why are you calling me?”

“You woke me up at three in the morning to tell me you love me. You also made sure to that I know it’s in a brotherly way because you love someone else in a romantic way. And-”

Soobin’s eyes shoot open and he’s suddenly nervous, his pulse stronger. “Did I tell you who?”

Yeonjun is quiet for a moment. “Well that was obvious.”

“I have to go.”

“Hey, come back _you_-”

But the call is over and Soobin is sighing, gritting the phone and rejecting another call from Yeonjun. His stomach burns and he needs water.

It’s a Saturday; he can hear the TV and notices that the carpets are cleaner meaning the weekend morning cleaning already happened while he was asleep. He can vaguely smell something cooking as he comes down the stairs.

His parents are in the living room, Yuna is on her laptop and they all look at him at the same time. They aren’t saying anything.

“Um. Good morning,” he says. His mother laughs out loud. His father masks a smile with a hand fixing his glasses.

“Nice job on throwing up _next_ to the toilet,” Yuna says and he feels shame. He wishes he could remember more than small shots of drinks in different colors and sweet taste that he swore were doing nothing to him.

“Shut up,” he mumbles.

“So, had fun last night?” His mom asks with a grin. “Don’t just stand there, answer me!”

“I guess.”

“He can’t remember,” his father whispers loudly to his mother and she nods, astounded.

They are making fun of him, but his father still came to the kitchen with him to remind him of all the dangers of drinking, people putting something in your drink, people offering you drugs, drinking and driving, and another lesson on throwing up directly into the toilet.

He stays quiet though it all. He deserves it. But he’s frightened – if he told Yeonjun, could it slip in front of his parents too?

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t mean it to happen.”

“It’s okay!” His father pats his shoulder. “It’s not your first time getting drunk, but you’re not a kid anymore. You gotta know your limit.”

He nods. “Yeah. I’ll be careful. It really didn’t seem like much. It was… pink and sweet.”

His father laughs before leaving the kitchen, “And call your friend Kai!”

His knees almost give in, but if he really did say something more, he doubts his father would be laughing like this.

“Were you planning on ever telling me?” Yeonjun asks. Soobin has finally gathered enough courage to call him back a few days later. He is home alone and can speak freely.

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Soobin rubs his forehead. “It was just… really confusing and I didn’t want to bother you.”

“But you told Beomgyu.” He’s hurt. “Just so you know, since we’re currently fighting, that little shit told me as soon as you told him, so.”

Soobin gasps and shakes his head as he gets priorities straight. “You’re fighting?”

“Mm, don’t worry about it, he’s mad I couldn’t come this weekend but actually I’m coming to surprise him. I didn’t think he’d actually get mad at me,” Yeonjun sighs. “Why didn’t _you_ talk to me?”

“Well I didn’t _tell_ Beomgyu. He just came up with it on his own and didn’t deny,” Soobin tries to get out of it but he can feel Yeonjun’s judgmental look. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m just really confused. I really…” He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. “I just really like Kai.”

Yeonjun chuckles lightly on his side. “You said it so sadly, I can’t even mess with you right now,” Yeonjun coos. “I hope his parents come around so you can finally tell him.”

“Tell him!?” Soobin yells. “Are you out of your mind? No one, and I mean _no one_, can ever know!”

“We will discuss this when I come back!” And with that, Yeonjun hangs up leaving Soobin feeling like he’s done something bad.

* * *

Yeonjun is on him, hugging him with both legs and arms and kissing his hair with loud _mwah_s. “I’m so so so proud of you, my best friend in the universe, I love you so much, I missed you so much.” He is whispering seeing they’re in the restaurant and Soobin feels shy. He missed Yeonjun much more than he thought. It’s been quiet without him.

“I have customers waiting.”

“They can fuck themselves,” Yeonjun whispers back as he jumps off Soobin and they both laugh.

“Here,” Soobin hands Yeonjun a big pack of peanuts and leaves him touched to wait until he’s done with the few customers he has. They’re sitting at the bar, and Yeonjun can’t stop talking about all the funny things that happened at his university. No gossip goes without being mentioned to Soobin, even though Soobin has no idea who those people are.

“Listen, my family is coming for dinner tonight,” Soobin says. “I’m only free after eleven, or even after midnight.”

“Awh,” Yeonjun whines, “You were supposed to get Beomgyu here so I can surprise him.”

“Can’t we do it tomorrow? Stay here with me today.”

Yeonjun is debating it, but decides to help Soobin carry the burden of his family embarrassing him in front of the coworkers – and conveniently the group of young regulars that took a liking to Soobin. The owner loves him for it; says he brings in most customers after Kai left and Soobin feels proud.

His family is loud. It’s not just his parents – they invited his grandparents, uncle and two aunts – and they’re all here to make his life living hell. When he rolls his eyes at his uncle’s demands, he’s too loud to tell it to his superiors and then laugh. He’s being scolded in the back to be nicer and he silently owns Yeonjun another pack of peanuts when he comes to the rescue. They’re bullying Yeonjun about his grades and college girlfriends.

In the end, Yeonjun doesn’t mind it when he’s being offered a free dinner as much as he can eat because all of them understand the life of a poor student. Soobin would argue, seeing how his father comes from a wealthy family but he keeps his mouth shut.

The girl that helps him serve them thinks they’re cute and that Soobin is lucky to have such a family. Normally, he would thank and smile, but now his mind goes back to _What if I told them? What if they knew?_

“Order one more soufflé and I will lynch you,” Soobin jokingly tells Yeonjun as he puts one in front of him but Yeonjun is looking behind.

“Kai.”

For a moment, Soobin is confused and he turns around. At the door, there’s Kai.

His hair is falling over his eyes under a beanie, the winter jacket is too big on him and his legs look skinny in black jeans. He’s already attacked by another coworker but over the shoulder he’s looking right back at Soobin.

He gets that feeling of rush all over, can hear his pulse and doesn’t look where he tosses the plate on the table as he hurries to him. Taehyun and Beomgyu are right there, but it doesn’t matter.

“Hey,” Kai laughs. He lets Soobin hug him rightly, and maybe he’s a creep for closing his eyes and inhaling deeply, but he wants to be sure it’s real. He’s really there, he’s finally there after months. He feels like crying. “You’re suffocating me.”

“Sorry!” Soobin laughs but doesn’t take his hand off Kai’s shoulders. “What’s going on, why are you here?”

“Gay,” Beomgyu whispers as he moves along.

“Ignore him,” Kai hurries but Soobin dismisses it with a wave of hand, rather focusing on the fact Kai is there. Taehyun is still there. “Well, my dad isn’t home so mom let me come here with Beomgyu and Taehyun. They told me you work here now.”

“Yeah, yeah. I remembered what you said.” He finally keeps hands on his sides when he calms down and realizes he’s being too aggressive. “My family is here and-” They both laugh as Yeonjun and Beomgyu go out.

“Beomgyu was mad as hell,” Kai laughs. “Taehyun is alone.”

“Right, right. My family is here if you want to greet them.”

He’s watching carefully as his mother and father greet Kai. They seem normal, maybe too smiley – or it could be a few glasses of wine. Beomgyu and Yeonjun are back soon, taking place at another table with Taehyun while Kai goes in the back to greet coworkers and the owner. He asks if they could stay after the closing and close themselves.

He even lets Soobin handle the group of loud regulars after closing time. It’s loud and lively.

“Anything broken goes of Soobin’s pay,” he assures them and Kai promises everything will stay intact.

He is like usually, smiling and teasing, and letting Beomgyu ruin his hair or pull on his hoodie.

Yeonjun insists on drinking a beer saying Soobin will drive him home and he can handle it. On the other hand, Kai brags about his grades. “You have no idea how great my grades are. No phone, no computer, no games. I read so many books. I feel so smart and literate.”

“Being so bored you have nothing else to do but study,” Yeonjun says in a sad tone. “I’m so sorry.”

Kai is rather interested in hearing everything he’s missed and looks teasingly funny at Soobin when Beomgyu tells stories of invading Soobin’s house. He’s not sure why Kai looks at him like that, but a pleasant blush fills his cheeks every time he does.

Beomgyu tells the embarrassing story of how they fell asleep playing games in Soobin’s living room and how his parents found them cuddling on the couch. Yeonjun gets mad, Beomgyu tries to explain but Yeonjun is faking it and proudly embarrassing them even more with a picture of that morning Yuna provided.

“When we were kids,” Yeonjun says and his rolling his Rs a little – the beer got to him, “Soobin and I used to drink much more.”

Soobin laughs, still feeling shame from the last time.

“Man, we made our parents mad all the time,” he shakes his head. “I think my dad was relieved I’m gonna be someone else’s problem in college.”

“My mother too,” Soobin adds. “She thought you being away will miraculously make me calm down.”

“Didn’t it?” Yeonjun leans on his elbows, squishing his own cheeks.

“You were never the reason for whatever I did.”

“No, no, I know that,” Yeonjun says. “Just… you lost an accomplice. Wasn’t fun doing it all alone.”

“So you were with him when he beat up those five guys?” Taehyun asks and there’s silence. Dead silence, and the group at the table next to them bursts into laughter over something one of them said. Everyone is looking at Taehyun and he shrugs at Kai like he wants to say he sees nothing wrong in what he asked.

“No, he wasn’t.”

“Yes, I was,” Yeonjun quickly corrects Soobin, talking even more loudly as if to outshout Soobin’s eye roll. “You think Soobin would be capable of beating up five guys by himself? He just took the blame because I got afraid.”

Soobin takes a deep breath and wants to clarify – to explain, to tell them it’s not as everyone thinks. It wasn’t just a fight where he went overboard, it wasn’t a show of what a monster he is so people would side eye him years later. He wants to explain, convey, make something of the tension that just built.

But his hair is suddenly being ruffled and a loud smooch lands on his nape. He feels a skinny arm around his neck and he can smell the alcohol and familiar female perfume even before he looks up to her face. The guys from the next table have gotten up to leave – as well as the girl hugging him.

“My baby Soobin!” She coos and pulls his cheek, leaning over his shoulder and scanning the rest of the boys. “So which one is Kai?”

Kai awkwardly waves his hand and she whines a little.

“You’re so cute I could eat you up! No wonder Soobin likes you so much!”

“Okay, let’s go,” another guy comes to the rescue pulling her away. He tells her something and yells a _See you later_ to Soobin, but he can barely hear it over his heartbeat.

“Bring all your boys to my party!” She yells before they leave with quiet words of apology from her friends. Beomgyu’s laughing and hiding his face turning away. Yeonjun is trying to drink, but it’s too funny – the expression on Soobin’s face.

“She-” Soobin tries. “She’s drunk.”

“Is _that_ your girlfriend?” Beomgyu asks, suddenly serious and curious and Soobin wishes his legs were a little longer to kick his shin.

“No,” Soobin says, afraid to look at Kai. “She is… older by a few years. And the guys who is taking her home is her boyfriend.” Beomgyu is laughing again and Yeonjun is trying to tap away the drink he spilled laughing.

It’s not fun as they make it seem and Soobin is afraid. It’s like for the first time he feels the need to explain himself, he doesn’t want Kai to think there could be anyone else in this world that he could like beside him.

And there isn’t. He missed him so much he feels like he’s going to burst. He wants to look at him, to study him well, and his hand almost reaches out to touch him before he disappears.

At some point Yeonjun decides to dance and then kiss Beomgyu’s cheeks in front of them to which Beomgyu protests but not too much.

And he envies them.

He wants to hug someone, to feel closeness and be gentle and sweet with someone. Maybe it’s not something he’d manage to do if he had a boyfriend, but maybe… just maybe…

Yeonjun waddles back to Soobin’s car, but Kai stays at the door with Soobin. It’s cold outside.

“I’m really glad I got to see you tonight,” Kai says. “I will try to come back here every Friday once again. I miss playing.”

And I miss you. “And I’ll be here.”

“Of course, someone has to serve the customers while they listen. Be quiet, I don’t want anyone distracted when I make my grand comeback.”

Soobin smiles. “Deal. Hey, would you run the idea of spending the New Year’s together by those two?”

Kai nods. “I can’t promise anything, though.”

“Hey, you wanna go tomorrow? Somewhere. Anywhere. With me?”

He’s just a friend asking to hang out, so why does he feel like his heart will break free from his chest?

“Sure, I’ll ask the-”

“No, I mean just you and I.” Does it still count as a friend asking?

“You missed me that much!” Kai teases and pushes his shoulder laughing. “I promised Taehyun I would spend the day with him. I didn’t see him in ages and, you know, he’s my best friend. And clingy.”

Soobin smiles. Embarrassing.

“But… I’ll take you on that offer. I think we need it. My ass is gonna freeze, see you guys later!”

Yeonjun is still fumbling with the seatbelt when Soobin comes back in, disappointed he didn’t get to talk alone with Kai some more. “You get your good night smooch?”

“_No_,” Soobin frowns at him and groans when he has to be the one to manage the seatbelt over drunk Yeonjun. “Saw you did.”

Yeonjun mumbles something, crossing his arms and leaning his head to the side. “He was really mad. He thought I wouldn’t be coming back yet.”

“That’s what you get for messing with your boyfriend.”

“I’m jealous.”

“Of what?”

“You and Beomgyu.”

“What?” Soobin repeats, scoffing at nonsense.

“You guys seem to have gotten pretty close while I wasn’t here. You had your jokes and… just… spent so much time together.”

“Soobin takes a moment to frown and look from the street to see Yeonjun pouting and looking out the window. “You know I like Kai. I would never do that to you.”

“That’s not it. I’m jealous because you guys get to spend so much time together. I want to spend that much time with him too. I want to spend my every free moment with him. If I could, I’d throw him in my bag and take him back with me. Beds in my dorm are big enough for two.”

Soobin laughs. Yeonjun is kind of cute when he speaks in pout. But he relates. He wants to spend time with Kai alone too. He wants to talk to him and ask him questions and take a look inside his heart and happy memories. Maybe even bad ones. He wants to be there and with him.

“_Don’t worry, Yeonjun. Beomgyu still loves you and will come next year._” Yeonjun says in a mocking voice, like he’s expecting Soobin to say that but only makes Soobin laugh more.

“Don’t worry, Yeonjun. Beomgyu still loves you and will come next year.”

“You’re an asshole. You’re so lame. I hate you so much. And drive more carefully unless you want me to barf all over your mom’s car.”

* * *

He wonders if what his mother is doing for him and his friends is her being excited Soobin has more friends. it’s not that he didn’t have friends before or that he couldn’t – he was just closed off and had no interest in making friends.

He never even planned on meeting Kai and the rest and yet he’s sitting at the stairs, big jacket next to him and he’s tying his shoes. The black dress shirt on him doesn’t feel as weird as it used to – he got used to wearing it working at the restaurant.

“Move!” Kai is hopping beside him holding his shoes in his hand sitting down next to him when he moves. “We are gonna be late.”

“It’s a party. We won’t.”

“I can’t leave Taehyun to be by himself.”

“Yeonjun and Beomgyu are there.” Kai looks at him like he’s waiting for something. Yeonjun and Beomgyu aren’t reliable. “Yeah, you’re right, we should hurry up. Mother!”

“Just call her mom,” Kai silently scolds him.

“Don’t worry, Kai, I’m used to being disrespected,” she says as she hurries behind them getting stuff from the living room. Her high heels clack on the floor.

“It’s not like I’m calling you by your given name,” Soobin protests.

It’s cold in the car even with the AC on. There won’t be enough time to fully warm up until they arrive.

“Remember, there’s food on the kitchen counter and in the fridge. All you have to do is heat it up.”

“I know.”

“And don’t give Kai alcohol,” his dad warns. “He’s too young.”

“Mr. Choi, I am seventeen.”

“Quiet there,” he looks at them back in the rearview mirror. “I’m the father, I make the rules. And no drinking for you either. How are you going to come home?”

“They will call a cab,” his mother silently reminds his father.

“And no fights!” He adds. Soobin rolls his eyes and regretfully averts his eyes when he sees his father noticed it in the mirror again.

“Fine. I promise nothing bad will happen. This is all older people than us, there’s no one I wanna fight. Except maybe Yeonjun.”

His mother shoots a warning glance. “And if someone offers you drugs…”

“I say I’m allergic to drugs.”

“Are you making fun of me, Soobin?”

“Sorry.”

Kai is still laughing as they exit the car and keeps on going how much he likes Soobin’s parents. He doesn’t understand what’s there to like – all they do is nag and bother him all day long.

The music is cool, it seems like Kai is enjoying it. His new friends go out of their way to pamper Kai and meet him, already hugging and adoring him so much.

He seems to have babbled in front of them his feelings when getting drunk, so he makes a mental note not to do that tonight. But he does want to tell him.

He is not a coward. Every spot on his body is itching to come up to Kai and to just _tell _him. To let him know. He doesn’t care about the answer or reaction to it. He just wants him to know. But maybe… it’s going to be too much and destroy too much of the relationship they have and that’s the last thing he wants.

Kai is not that kind of person, he knows. Kai wouldn’t stop being his friend. Maybe it would be weird for some time, but it would stop being weird. They wouldn’t fall apart.

Parties with older people aren’t as rowdy as you’d expect. More time they spend playing drinking games or sitting down enjoying teasing and drinking – and more drinking. Soobin has proven he still doesn’t know when to stop, and he’s already feeling a tad dizzy.

Yeonjun is yelling a crazy story of a dare someone did while also trying to tell another story of Beomgyu at the same time, but Soobin is nervously checks the time. The clock will strike midnight and he wants to find Kai.

It’s the year he’s met Kai in. It’s the best year of his life. The calmest, the prettiest, the gentlest – and an euphoric feeling gets all over him. He wants him to know. He should know how he affected him and how much he means to him.

Beomgyu’s found Yeonjun, asking him to go outside and see the fireworks. Holding Yeonjun’s hand, he stops and looks at Soobin. “Are you looking for Kai?”

“Did you see him?”

Beomgyu hesitates. “Yeah, but he was walking around. Soobin, just… Drop it. For tonight. I think your friends were looking for you.”

“What do you mean _drop it_?”

“I mean… You’re only gonna get disappointed and hurt.”

“Beomgyu!” Yeonjun scolds. “That’s a bit rude, don’t you think?”

“It’s reality!” Beomgyu argues, looking up at Soobin once more. “Kai doesn’t feel the same way about you. I should’ve told you long time ago, but I didn’t think someone like you would act on a silly crush. Don’t make it harder on both you and him.”

“How can you say that?” Yeonjun reacts quicker than Soobin can process.

“That is none of your business! I’m not asking him to reciprocate anything.”

“You don’t want to do this today, trust me.”

“You’re an asshole!”

He turns away; walking out on a fight has never been easy. He wants to say more things, he wants to hurt him back – but Yeonjun is there and he would rather keep quiet. He wants to return, but people are gathering to count down and he needs to find Kai.

Everyone has got drinks in their hands, a partner to kiss as a New Year’s tradition and Soobin is running upstairs in final efforts to find Kai. And just as fireworks start outside, just as everyone screams Happy New Years from the top of their lungs, he goes numb.

Because Kai is indeed upstairs. So is Taehyun. And they’re holding hands, laughing at something – and Soobin suddenly feels like it’s not his place to be there.

It hits him in the throat first. Like he’s going go throw up, his stomach denying everything he’s eaten and his chest hurts. He barely registers going down the stairs and running outside, breathy like something is stopping him from breathing properly.

The cold air in his face slaps him back to reality and he sees people in their big jackets all around him. His eyes find Beomgyu and Yeonjun fast, and it takes everything in him to push Yeonjun and not Beomgyu.

“You knew, didn’t you?”

Yeonjun is rubbing the spot on his chest, watching as Soobin’s eyes pierce Beomgyu with anger. “Knew what?”

Beomgyu takes a deep sigh. “What did you see?”

“Them! Holding hands like _that_!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop right there!” Yeonjun comes in between the two. “Who was holding hands? Why are you mad someone held hands?”

“Kai and Taehyun,” Beomgyu says silently and Soobin points at him, sure he’s known all along.

“Since when?” Yeonjun widens his eyes, looking around. “I’m completely lost.”

“They are not dating,” Beomgyu ignores Yeonjun and looks at Soobin, his pitiful face making Soobin even more angry. He doesn’t want to be pitied. “They are just friends. I think. I’m not sure. That’s why I told you to stay away.”

“You’re _such_ a wonderful person.”

“Don’t give me that!” Beomgyu snaps at him, “If you’re not ready for anything – and you’re clearly not – don’t even try to hurt Kai like that!”

“You can’t tell me what to do.”

“Oh, so you do want to hurt Kai?”

“That’s not- I would never hurt him,” Soobin clenches his fists. Before he can say anything, Yeonjun hits his shoulder to stop him, looking behind him. Kai and Taehyun are joining them.

“Happy New Year!” Kai yells and the first person he jumps at is Soobin. He hugs him tightly and for a moment, Soobin maybe forgets about the betrayal he feels – the one he’s not supposed to feel. Maybe after all, Beomgyu was right.

He said what he said to protect Soobin, and maybe he approached it the wrong way – and maybe Soobin is wrong for doing this but before Kai can go to hug the others, he takes him by the hand. “Come with me.”

“Wha-”

“Just come.”

“You’re making a mistake!” Beomgyu yells after them, and Kai walks after Soobin away from the crowd, but his confused face doesn’t change. He doesn’t know what to ask first.

“Aren’t you cold?” He decides on that being the first thing, crossing his arms when they stop. Soobin didn’t bother to get a jacket when he ran out.

“Ah, no, not really. Listen, I need to tell you something.”

“Couldn’t it wait?” Kai giggles, “Yeonjun is going to drop kick me for not saying Happy New Year to him.”

“No, not really.”

His smile falls down, lips curving in a worried way. “What’s going on?”

“I need to tell you something. Just please… When I tell you, don’t worry about it, don’t even think about it, it’s just something I… probably selfishly have to let you know.”

“You’re dying?”

“No, that’s not it.”

Kai laughs, “Okay then, whatever it is, I can take it.”

His whole body is shaking, he is barely standing on the ground beneath him. It could be the cold. But Kai looks too cute getting his hair out of his eyes, scooched in the big jacket, expecting for Soobin to speak up.

And there’s not many ways you can go about this. You either say it, or you keep it a secret forever. And if you keep it a secret, there’s no more subtle signs. It’s either going to be out there, or it has to stay with Soobin forever. And he’s never been good at keeping stuff in.

“I like you.”

It’s out there now.

And he didn’t think this through.

If Kai gets mad, he doesn’t have anywhere else to sleep tonight. All his stuff is at Soobin’s.

It’s going to ruin the friendship. They’re over.

Beomgyu warned him. Kai looks lost, leaning a bit forward with raised eyebrows, not quite sure he’s heard that right.

“You mean as a friend, _or_…?”

“The after _or_ part,” Soobin says and feels stupid. It’s awkward. Kai is looking behind and to the ground, unsure what to say.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“You know I’m a guy, right?”

“Happened to notice.”

“That’s okay with you?”

Soobin licks his lips to stop himself from laughing. Kai looks genuinely concerned. “Obviously.”

“I’m just making sure,” Kai is quick to say. “I’m a little… confused. I don’t know exactly what to say.”

“No, no, listen,” Soobin waves his hands, “You don’t have to say anything. You don’t have to, like, give me an answer, or like me back, or _do_ anything. Don’t even think about it. I just wanted to tell you, that’s all.”

“I’m just a little confused. You kinda took me by surprise here.”

“Sorry.”

“Is it okay if- is it okay if we leave it at this? I’m kind of still grounded, and have a lot on plate, you know, at home and in school, I can’t-”

“Kai, I just told you. Don’t worry about it at all. It’s insanely selfish of me to tell you when I know what’s going on in your life. Just stay friends with me like nothing happened, and don’t worry about my feelings getting hurt or anything like that.”

Kai slightly purses his lips, his cheeks red (must be the cold). “I mean… let’s leave it at this, for the time being. You know… me not saying I like you back… me not saying I don’t…” He gestures vaguely, awkwardly.

It takes Soobin a long moment to realize what he’s saying and he can’t help but smile. He probably looks like a stupid fool. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._

“And what about Taehyun?”

“Taehyun?” Kai frowns and suddenly realizes, “Wh- what about Taehyun? My best friend Taehyun? Did you think something was going on…”

Soobin laughs. Of course he was being overdramatic. “No, no. Maybe. I overreacted.”

“I think… in the last year, the best thing that happened was meeting you,” Kai says and Soobin wants to clench his chest and stop his heart from busting out. Stay still.

“I could say the same.”

Kai smiles at him and brings him in for a hug. “You’re gonna catch a cold, let’s head back inside.”

“I’m not.”

“Wait, now I get special treatment right?”

“You always got special treatment from me.”

Kai rolls his eyes, “Yes, but _special_ special. Like… Let’s see how many vodka shots I can do before I pass out.”

Soobin flicks his forehead, “One and a half. And not gonna happen.”

* * *

“So, how long have you liked me?”

“Ah, no, no,” Soobin waves his index finger no, but clenches the steering wheel with other hand a bit harder. “We are _not_ doing this.”

They’re in Soobin’s mom’s car. The snow that caught on was more or less gone, and a sunny day opened an opportunity for Soobin to sneak a day alone with Kai. He is opening another chips after choosing five different kinds at the gas station.

“Why not? We know each other like, for months. And we’re friends, you can tell me things.”

“Fuck off,” Soobin murmurs feeling the blood rush into his cheeks. It’s making him feel stupid, just really stupid.

“Okay then,” Kai crunches on a chip. “So when you realized you liked me, you just went straight for being gay? Like, you didn’t consider being bisexual or anything?”

Soobin frowns. It’s weird to actually talk about it, no matter how many times Beomgyu and Yeonjun did it. Especially weird with Kai. “I guess… I knew from before. Or something.”

“If you don’t wanna talk about it, it’s okay.”

“No, it’s just… Did you see that sign? Did it say how far away we are?”

Kai looks behind like that’s going to help. “I hate being in a car with you. It’s not safe.”

“Listen. Not everyone is a good driver, okay?”

“Let me drive.”

“Sit back and shut it. I know the way, I just didn’t pay attention to the sign.”

“Maybe it was a sign that said flying cows fall from sky here. What if a cow falls down and kills us?”

Soobin tries his best not to smile and to look at him warningly. “Don’t joke around. If I missed a turn, it’s on you, not flying cows.”

“Imagine how mad your mom would get if you ruined her hood with a dead cow.”

“Will you stop?” Soobin laughs even more when he sees how serious Kai’s face still is. “Open these peanuts for me.”

“Is it safe that you eat and drive at the same time? Seems like you get distracted easily.”

“Just open it.”

It was a two and a half hours drive, but the sight of the beach was worth it. Soobin remember coming there with his parents as a kid; it was always empty. Sand wasn’t perfectly smooth, and random herbs grew in places. But it was approachable and Soobin held good memories to it.

“I know this!” Kai yells in amazement. “I used to come here when I was a kid. My mother _loves_ the beach. She always says she and dad will buy a small beach house and live there when they retire.”

“What about you?” Soobin asks.

“I prefer big cities,” Kai sighs. “Maybe… if I’m alone. A big, long beach with no human sight for kilometers and just me.”

“You would get lonely.”

“Not if you come to visit me,” Kai shoots a grin at him and he almost loses his balance. It’s even weirder being open to yourself about your feelings. He feels lighter and like much more is allowed – he’s allowed to look a second longer, to let Kai see his reaction no matter how embarrassing it is.

And it’s very embarrassing, the way Kai laughs at him. He covers his embarrassment by catching a peanut from the air.

“Can I ask you something?” Kai takes a few steps back and leans on the front of the car next to Soobin. He nods. “Are you into music? Like, do you play something? Or sing?”

“I mean… Everyone is _into_ music, right?”

“What I have in mind is more along the lines if you want to make music, or teach it, or… do anything concrete with it.”

“No, not really. What makes you ask that?”

“You like to listen me play. And you have a deep interest in my favorite song. So I thought, maybe you have a _real_ reason, other than curiosity.”

“It’s just… Something that was in my mind for a long time; the melody, the song, never finished. And then I heard you play. Don’t worry about it. Do you mind telling me more about it, though?”

“Actually, I do mind,” Kai says. “I think I’m gonna need more time to decide if you really stopped fighting.”

Soobin laughs, “It’s been _months_.”

“Still,” Kai shrugs. “You’ll be happy to know those boys mostly leave me alone in school now. Don’t worry about me.”

“I hope that lasts.”

“You’re so pessimistic. Let’s go take a walk. Take your peanuts with you.”

It’s late afternoon when it starts to darken. Even if there were any lights on the beach, Kai promised his parents he would be coming home early. The night brought salty, cold air and Soobin can almost feel the cold creeping in.

“Wait, you have a CD here,” Kai claps at his discovery. “Let us hear what you listen to.”

“No, come on,” Soobin fights Kai’s hand trying to play the CD. “Come on, don’t do this.”

“Now I just wanna hear it more.”

Soobin finally gives up, partly because he needs to focus on the drive and wants to fall through the ground when Madonna starts playing. Kai is listening for a few moments, and then he gets dramatic.

“_I want you to know, not like that! I don’t want to be your mother, I don’t want to be your sister either_!” He’s throwing in dramatic head movements, and Soobin has to laugh, trying to skip it. “Noo, don’t do that, that’s my favorite song in the world!”

“No, it’s not, go away,” he’s laughing but the next one is Madonna once more.

Kai gasps in verve, taking Soobin by the arm and looking at him with the most pleading look. “I _love_ this song! Sing it with me!”

“What? No.”

“Come on!” Kai yells over the volume he’s turning up. “_Just like I’d never gone, I knew the song, a young girl with eyes like the desert!_” He’s singing loudly, almost over the sound. He looks at Soobin, like he’s singing it to him to get him to start too. “Come on, I know you know the lyrics.”

He doesn’t like singing in front of other people. But he loves the song. Kai’s voice gets louder as _La Isla Bonita_ plays, he’s enjoying himself and it’s contagious. He is easing into it, and Kai is smiling at him while they rush on the empty road.

He feels happy. In a long time, he really feels happy. He feels like he can let his voice go, get it out, with just Kai by his side. It’s impossible, it’s forbidden. He can’t even dare to dream of being more, of having more, of telling everyone how happy he makes him.

Ever since he’s met him, his soul has been in peace. It’s not just the song or the deal – he feels like there’s no point in getting angry anymore, not when he’s there. He inspires him to do well, do be the person Kai can be proud of. Someone he can show off, and proudly present to other people in his life.

They reach Kai’s street in what seems a blink of an eye. Kai is laughing because of a Justin Bieber song that came on – but hey! _Love Yourself_ is easy to sing along to.

“I had so much fun today. Was it a date?”

It’s like a slap back into reality, where he needs to come down his high and be embarrassed again. “No, it wasn’t!”

“Okay, okay, I’m just asking,” Kai raises his palms up defensively. “No need to get angry.”

“You are insufferable.”

“Well… just in case you’re lying… let’s say I wouldn’t mind it that much.”

Soobin wants to cling on to the happiness, but he sighs and reminds himself of his place. “Don’t do this. We had a deal. Let’s just… forget about it until some better times.”

Kai is quiet, and it hurts him – but it’s their reality.

He looks out the window, and back to Soobin as he whispers, “I don’t wanna leave.”

Soobin’s hand moves on its own when he takes it to cup one of Kai’s cheeks. He’s just a cute boy, dealing with the cruel world around him. He doesn’t deserve this, to feel like he doesn’t want to go back into his home. No one does, but Kai is the one who takes it with a smile and nothing but optimistic words from the very beginning.

Kai leans into his touch as he moves his hand to touch his hair up to its ends. “You grew your hair really long.”

His voice is close to a whisper, as if he speaks up it will break everything around them, gentle and fragile. He wonders how smart it would be to lean in, to close the distance enough to be able to feel the nervous gulp Kai makes, the shaky hand that finds cheek…

It’s not smart; call him a fool.

“No!” Kai suddenly stops with his both hands on Soobin’s cheeks, pulling on each side. “You were eating peanuts. I’m allergic.”

Kai quickly lets go of his cheeks when Soobin wishes to speak, “Does it really matter?”

Kai blinks, shrugs and falls a little back. “I don’t know. I shouldn’t risk it.”

“No, yes, yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. It’s even better if we don’t do this, I mean, ah, well…”

“I should go.”

“Yeah, yeah, your parents are waiting for you.”

Kai grabs the handle but stops, turning back at Soobin and quickly hugging him once more. “I don’t know when we’ll see each other again, but we will.”

He’s gone with that, once more turning back to wave at Soobin before he leaves. But Soobin is sitting there in the driver seat, with his forehead on the top of the wheel, feeling like a complete fool.

_What am I doing?_

* * *

He is insanely bored – sound of drums coming from the basement don’t seem to plan on stopping anytime soon. Yuna is practicing with some girls she found for her own rock band.

It’s been two months since he’s last seen Kai. They talked over the phone or messages, but not much. He misses him.

He even misses Beomgyu. After New Years, they haven’t talked much. That’s on Soobin to blame. He was the one who got mad and who is acting like a child. If only he grew up enough to actually own up to it and ask Beomgyu over to play games with him.

His fingers hovers over Beomgyu’s empty chat and he sighs. He is not even mad anymore. Beomgyu just wanted what’s best for him and Kai, and he was right to a point. Just as he was about to start typing, a picture of Yoji’s grimace comes all over his phone. It’s a photo Yeonjun got him for the contact number.

“What?”

“Soobin? Are you home or working?” Her voice is quiet, hurried. There’s a noise behind, sounds of people talking and walking on school hallways.

He gets up from his bed. “What’s going on? I’m home.”

“I don’t know exactly what happened, but those boys… They did something to Kai’s stuff, spilled some liquid over his books and clothes and… I’m not sure. There’s a huge commotion at school and the principal is calling everyone’s parents.”

“I’m on my way.”

“You don’t have to- I just wanted to let you know. But… Principal’s office is second floor, third door on the left. You’ll see.”

“Thank you.”

Neither his parents are home, so he calls a taxi and can’t sit still on the short drive. He can’t say it’s anger – he wants to beat whoever, and he knows who, responsible – but what he’s more worried about it Kai. He wants to make sure he’s okay, that he can still smile before he decides on anything else.

Yeji is standing in the hallway, noticing Soobin by his footsteps. “He’s still inside. His parents too. Wait,” she puts a hand to stop him in his track, “Please don’t say anything to the boys upstairs. Their parents are there, too.”

“Who is it?”

Yeji sighs. “Guess.”

She’s right behind him and grips his forearm as they make a turn to the hallway where three boys and their parents are. He recognizes all of them, having met them – and their parents.

“What are you doing here?” It’s Junseo’s mother, and the kid is his younger brother. His mother was the one who gave the stinkiest looks to his parents whenever she would happen to run into them.

“Am I not allowed to be here?”

“Do you go to this school?” Her voice is admonitory like it’s he that did something and not her own son.

“He’s here to drive me home,” Yeji says.

“You should stay away from much older boys, sweetie.”

“Soobin is a childhood friend,” Yeji tries but she still backs behind Soobin. She’s not like Yeonjun to dive right into it.

“Is Kai okay?” Soobin turns to her. “What happened?”

“Does your mother approve of you being friends with a Huening?” The woman asks again and Soobin wishes he could fight her. Yeji’s grip on his forearm tightens as if she can feel him getting annoyed.

“My mother is a nice woman. She doesn’t hold grudges,” he says.

“His both parents are here,” Yeji says before the woman could yell out again. “I hope they take real measures _this time_,” she looks at one of the boys as she says it. It’s Dongheon this time. But his father is beside him, tall and buff, and even Dongheon doesn’t dare to speak.

“If they don’t, _I_ will.”

“The hell you w-”

Junseo’s mother is interrupted by an authoritative, deep voice of Dongheon’s father. She takes a step back as she gets startled, clutching onto her bag. Even Soobin must admit, Dongheon’s father looks like a talking mountain who would crush him with the palm of his hand without a second thought.

“Choi Soobin, am I right?”

“Soobin,” Yeji whispers grabbing his hand, more afraid for herself.

“That would be me.” He thinks rationally. Angry or not, that’s what he has to do: Dongheon’s father can’t do anything to him. They’re on a school’s property; there are people around, a small girl right next to him. Besides, he is in school for something his son did.

“Greet your father for me. He’s a good man, really good man. Helped me a lot.” His voice is vibrant, piercing though the air and loud. Incapable of whispering, Soobin is sure of it. He is crazy intimidating. “Heard you got yourself in check. Working at the old man’s on the square, making no more problems for your poor mother. It takes a man to get over his childish pride and stop pestering others.” He looks at Dongheon as he says it. Soobin wants to laugh.

It’s not comfortable, bringing it up in such a manner. He would rather not speak about it.

And so wouldn’t Junseo’s mother, judging by the way she loudly scoffs. “Didn’t he make problems with your son sitting right here just months ago?”

“My soon took a beating, and deserved so,” Dongheon’s father says. Soobin glances at the door with principal’s name on it. It almost seemed like the handle moved. Kai is just behind there. “Tell me, at that time, was it the same boy? The same boy right in this room now?”

Soobin looks at Dongheon. He’s still only seventeen; his father is a scary bear with a sense of a “real man” that has to be met. In any other situation, he would feel sorry.

“Yes, sir.”

“Ah, I see. Tell me,” he looks back at his son, “Why did you judge this boy – that I just met – was someone you should bully? Not just you, all of you,” he turns and points at all guilty boys in the hallway.

The third one’s father, much smaller man with glasses and a bald spot, speaks for the first time. “I think we will all punish our children accordingly, and they will receive punishment from school.”

“Naturally,” Dongheon’s father says. “Violence towards the weak is a sign of a weak man.”

“Huening is all but weak,” one of the boys snickers and Soobin takes a step to the side to look directly at him. He’s brought attention to it even if his voice was a whisper. “He- he’s just- it’s not like he needs a bodyguard!” He points at Soobin when he says it, but he’s looking at Dongheon’s scary father. “He fights back in other ways.”

“Shut it,” Junseo’s mother says even if it’s not her child. “You speak nonsense, child. Mr. Park, please, you must understand that even if your son – and our sons – did something, it was purely because that boy is a menace! Surely, you would get that if being provoked, sometimes you don’t think.”

Dongheon’s father completely ignores her, having politely listened and turns to that boy again, “In what ways does he fight back? I take it you believe this boy is smarter than you?”

The boy keeps his lips shut tight, as if he’s said something he shouldn’t have. He’s almost shaking, like he’s going to break and the deadly silence is suddenly interrupted by the principal’s door opening. For a moment they can hear voices inside, but only Kai is out.

And Soobin couldn’t care about any of the parents or the kids, all he wants is to make sure Kai is physically well and to hug him. He needs to know everything is okay.

Yeji, as if she sees the intent in Soobin’s eyes and deems it wrong, runs to hug him first. “Kai!”

Kai chuckles a bit, warily looking at all the people in the hallway and then looks at Soobin over her shoulder. “I’m okay.”

“I’m sorry, I got so worried, you sounded like you got hurt and I called Soobin and I just panicked a lot.”

“I’m not hurt, don’t worry. I was just startled,” he whispers. Junseo’s mother humphs. “The principal will probably suspend everyone,” he says in a louder voice. “My dad has insisted that you get kicked out, so… Be careful with what you tell to the principal.”

“Your father is right,” Dongheon’s father says and Soobin can see in Kai’s eyes how he gets surprised by the voice. He’s slowly moving away from the door and going to Soobin’s side. “Are your books and school stuff intact?”

Kai hesitates. “Not everything.”

“Dongheon’s allowance will pay for it.” Dongheon tries to protest, but is shut down with just a look from his father.

“It’s okay, the semester is almost over and I can study this stuff from the internet-”

“I hope as soon as possible,” Soobin speaks over him, as a direct answer to Dongheon’s father. “Your notes okay, Kai? I’m sure he’ll need someone to copy all his notes into a brand new notebook. I see three people who could get the job done more quickly.”

“Soobin,” Kai scolds but Dongheon’s father has an ominous smile on his face, as if he’s amused by Soobin.

“Did you hear that, boy? Wouldn’t you agree? What you ruin, you fix.”

“I’m sure our boys have their own schoolwork to attend to,” Junseo’s mother says. Junseo’s brother looks guilty.

“Do your boys have a straight A streak this year?” Soobin asks, “Kai could get into a SKY university; you surely wouldn’t want to be responsible for the future of a young boy?”

“If you’re so worried about universities, why aren’t you attending one?”

“Why didn’t you?” Soobin retorts and regrets it – it’s a small town and everyone knows everyone’s business but still, sometimes Soobin can’t keep up with all the gossip. He wonders if he got it right.

“How dare you!” He was right, he stroke a nerve.

Soobin averts his attention, “Are you really okay?”

“Yeah,” Kai nods. Soobin notices a small feather in his hair and scribbles on his hands – maybe dirt? He takes his hands to examine more thoroughly. He notices a small scar over Kai’s fingers that he’s never noticed before.

“…Is this ink? What the hell?”

Kai takes back his hands. “I washed most of it. I can’t go back with you, my parents are here.”

“I texted Yeonjun,” Yeji says, with an apologetic smile looking at her phone. “He says he will break Dongheon’s bones one by one when he comes back. Mr. Park I apologize for any trouble my brother might cause in advance. He’s- he’s really not strong enough to break anyone’s bones, I promise.”

The panic on her face and the stagger in her voice is funny – Kai hides his smile, but Dongheon’s father nods, still smiling, “Thank you, miss. I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Does Yeonjun know you’re hanging out with… people like Kai?”

“Gay?” Kai suddenly asks and the silence it creates would usually make Soobin laugh, but now he’s trying to see every single face in the room, a search for a wrong reaction. He can’t see a right one. Kai turns to Soobin again, “Maybe she meant tall,” he whispers.

“You’re just asking for it!” Junseo’s mother says. “You people go around like that and expect no backlash whatsoever! Ridiculous!”

Yeji looks at Soobin, lost and worried. Soobin doesn’t know what to say – he never expected Kai to just say it so openly.

“I don’t think anyone expects any form of violence, ever,” Kai says in a calm voice. “Unless around your sons. They seem to know it as the only form of communication. Is everything okay at home?”

She jerks in a way that makes Kai catch onto Soobin’s sleeve for a moment. “How dare you! Is this how your mother raised you?”

“Yes.”

“You’re the rudest kid I have ever seen! You need to apologize.”

“He won’t be doing that,” Soobin says before Kai could even think about it.

“Are you his lawyer?” Junseo’s mother asks Soobin, “And I was wondering what the likes of you were doing here.”

Soobin raises his eyebrows – her suggestion isn’t all that wrong but he can’t just say it like that. Even Dongheon’s father looks at Soobin like he’s expecting Soobin to slip and say something.

“He’s here to pick me up!” Yeji says. “I was crying and scared out of my mind after I saw what your son did to Kai.” There’s Yeonjun’s blood in her after all. The boys look offended.

“Whatever goes on with me,” Kai says, “if my parents have no problem with it, why is it your business? Or your son’s? Or anyone’s, for that matter?”

The door opens again. Kai’s parents come out, and everyone turns to them, expecting them to say something. The bald principal comes out after them. Kai lets go of Soobin’s sleeve.

“I would like to talk to the kids first,” the principal says, looking at the parents. “Just for a minute. All of you boys.”

“They’re minors,” Junseo’s mother says. “I have the right to be next to him at all times.”

“Ma’am, I’m not the police, I’m just a school principal. Your son will be fine for a moment.”

“You too, Kai,” Kai’s mother says, eyeing Soobin who for the first time ever wishes he were smaller, invisible. What if Kai’s mother doesn’t like him? He isn’t even dressed well. She already doesn’t like his parents, maybe she’ll be like Junseo’s mother, overprotective.

Kai glances at Soobin for a moment before he goes back inside. Soobin wants to wish him good luck, but he’s not sure if it’s luck he needs. He takes a step back, as if to be as far as possible from his parents. Yeji is too small to take the attention off him and Kai’s father is already looking at him.

“Kai has mentioned you a lot,” Kai’s mom says, managing to form a smile on her face. She looks kind, and her voice sounds like she isn’t capable of raising it, ever.

“I just came here to pick up Yeji!” Soobin says and wants to fall through the ground. He panicked and everyone saw it. He can feel the blood rush to his ears. Good thing he still hasn’t cut his hair. “I mean- I’m sorry. I know it’s not my place to interfere, but I wanted to make sure Kai was okay. That’s all.”

Kai’s mother smiles again, almost sad. None of the parents dare say anything. Junseo’s mother seems like she’s expecting them to tell Soobin to get lost. “It’s okay. I’m glad Kai has friends who are willing to check up on his. You _are_ just a friend, right?”

“Yes, yes,” Soobin says.

Kai’s mother nods. “I wonder what’s with that boy lately. He’s been getting into a lot trouble. At first I thought maybe the new friends he made were the problem, but he never seems to be at fault. He’s a good kid, isn’t he?”

Soobin is afraid, if he’s being honest. Kai’s mother just seemed sad, but now she’s terrifying. She’s talking slowly, quietly, and yet no one dares interrupt. Maybe it’s the guilt from other parents – but in any way, Soobin feels like he’s being used for something else.

“The best I know.”

“Do these boys bother him a lot?”

“Not when I’m around.”

Kai’s father can’t help but chuckle at that.

“I see,” Kai’s mother says and turns to the parents. “We have insisted your boys get kicked out of school. It’s not the first time, and Kai is not the only boy they bother. It’s in Kai’s hands. The decision. But apparently he’s too good, so I wouldn’t worry too much about those scoundrels you have for children.”

“Damn,” Yeji mouths.

“Excuse me!” Junseo’s mother almost screams. “What did you call my child?!”

“What did your kid call my kid?” Kai’s mother retorts – and her voice is capable of getting higher. “What did your son do to mine, continuously since he’s started high school? What are you teaching him at home? Do you like your son to be called a homophobic bully? Because that’s exactly what he is, and he’s only seventeen. I’d rethink my raising techniques.”

“If my son was identifying as a homosexual at seventeen, I’d rethink mine!” Junseo’s mother fights back.

“This school has more than a thousand students, and yet these three boys are the only ones with a problem. Maybe it’s not Kai that’s a problem, but them.”

“Ma’am, you need to calm down,” Dongheon’s father says.

“You calm down!” Kai’s mother yells at him, unbothered by his size or voice. “When I got here, Kai was covered in ink, feathers, his locker destroyed and some kids even say something exploded. His books are ruined, his P.E. clothes and if you want to see the word written across his locker, I’ll take you there so you don’t mistake it with other, clean lockers that have zero words on them!”

“Kai takes after me,” Kai’s father says quietly to Soobin. “I’m not one for conflicts.”

He might present as such, but Soobin knows well what happened the night Kai came out to them. And what still goes on.

“And you!” Kai’s mother points to Dongheon. “You and Kai already had problems before. Didn’t you have enough?”

“Problems?” Dongheon asks, “It was Soobin who beat me!”

“Excuse me if I don’t feel sorry for you,” Kai’s mother says. “Pray to god Kai doesn’t ask them to be kicked out. Was it worth it, all of you, ask yourselves: was it worth it? Your future could be ruined because you decided to bully someone weaker than you. Shame on all three of you, and all of you,” she points to the parents. “There is a reason why some kids are bullies, and why the rest of them aren’t. And it starts with parents.”

“You’re right,” is all Dongheon’s father can say and Dongheon looks at his father, surprised that it’s all he can say to this little woman.

She turns to Soobin and he expects her to yell at him too. “You should come over for dinner sometime. Take Yeji home, and in the future make sure you take Kai home before his curfew.”

“I always do,” Soobin says.

“If that’s what Kai makes you think,” she says, waving her hand as if she’s dismissing him. Kai has been lying about his curfew? “He’s only allowed two hours to stay somewhere after school and to play the piano on Fridays. You can go, nothing that happens from here concerns you.”

“Ah.. um.. Okay,” Soobin says, taken aback. She doesn’t waste another moment to start telling in details what she thinks would be good punishments for their kids. “Goodbye,” Soobin says to Kai’s father. He nods, before he joins in.

“I can’t believe you didn’t come with a car,” Yeji says as they walk back.

“I don’t own a car, my parents are both at work,” Soobin says. “Wanna come over? It’s been stressful for you too. I’ll make sure to tell Yeonjun that you were fearless.”

“You’re the best,” Yeji punches his shoulder. “Tell him to be afraid of me in the future.”

“Last year when you told us about Kai, you said you wouldn’t get involved.”

“He’s… my age and an actually cool kid. Not to toot my own horn, but if I’m nice to him, people seem to treat him nicely too. Especially when they know he’s my big brother’s friend, too.”

“I’ll make sure to tell Yeonjun you’re popular as well.”

“Shut up,” she rolls her eyes. “It’s unfair. If I can do something to stop it, I will. Staying silent when you can do something is not the way I want to live.”

“I’ve been saying that for years, and all they wanted was to throw me into detention centers,” Soobin shakes his head and she laughs again, not turning at her juncture. She’s coming over. “Hey, you seem to know a lot of gossip.”

“Yes, I happen to know things.”

“When that kid said something about Kai fighting back…”

“Oh,” she frowns. “I know something, but I’m not sure… it’s like a guess from everyone.”

“Tell me.”

“Well… when Kai broke his fingers…”

“Wait, what?”

“You don’t know?”

“No?”

“Soobin!” She stands in front of him in the middle of a street. “He never told you?”

“Told me what?”

“When he was fourteen, he was supposed to go to the national competition in… I don’t know, something about the piano. But just a week or so before, he broke like, I don’t know, a few of his fingers on both hands and couldn’t go. I mean, I guess he can still play the piano, but he never tried for competitions again.”

“What the hell… Wait, what does that have to do with these boys?”

“Rumor has it it’s them who did it. They went to the same middle school, you never know. Wait, wait, don’t get angry, it’s just a rumor! There’s literally no way of knowing, and something that bad if it really happened, it would be more public, don’t you think?”

“Yes, but,” Soobin frowns, trying to think about it harder like that’s going to connect the dots in his head. “Why did he say Kai fights back?”

“Well, that’s why the rumor exists. They say Kai is blackmailing them with it,” she says.

“Kai? Blackmailing? Please.”

“I know, it’s ridiculous. But makes you think why they never physically hurt him, when they did others,” Yeji says. “It’s best if you ask Kai yourself. You’re boyfriends now, aren’t you?”

“Wh- where did you get that?”

“Yuna told me,” Yeji teases.

“That’s not true. Don’t go around spreading nonsense.”

Yeji raises her eyebrows like she doesn’t believe him. “Sure, Mr. I Won A Dance Competition In Middle School And It Was Ballet.”

“Who- Yeonjun was with me! And don’t mention it again!”

“Yeonjun has a boyfriend too,” Yeji laughs. “It’s funny. Remember when you and Yeonjun couldn’t stop talking about that new young guard at school, and thought you were straight? Those were the times.”

“That’s not- that’s- He was a very handsome man, okay? I’m not blind!”

* * *

Someone is asking Kai the name of the song and Soobin hears it in the distance. He runs up to catch up, to hear, but the noise is too loud and he arrives just when the woman is saying, “Thank you.”

“Fuck!” Soobin yells. Kai is laughing at him. “You think that’s funny, huh?”

“I told her I didn’t know, calm down,” he chuckles. “Gyu’s upstairs. Wanna come up?”

“Sure. Are you gonna spend the night?”

“No, but Gyu will.”

“Why here?” Soobin asks, but when he doesn’t get an answer it comes naturally to him. There’s still a bit of tension and he’s probably embarrassed to ask Soobin.

His co-workers greet him and hold them up a bit, and when they’re in the room, Beomgyu wastes no second to whine about missing Yeonjun. He’s waiting to hear if he’s been accepted to the same college as Yeonjun.

If you ask Soobin, he isn’t sure how Yeonjun got accepted in the first place, given all he did was fool around during high school.

“So, what happened in the end?” Beomgyu asks. Kai’s expression changes but he gets the smile back on in a moment.

“It’s okay, I didn’t ask for them to be expelled. They’re just suspended and will go into their record, which is a big punishment itself if you ask me.”

“Not enough!” Soobin growls through gritted teeth. “I wanted to bash that little Junseo’s head in. His mother was so annoying.”

“Ugh,” Beomgyu rolls his eyes. “Is that the lady that was complaining about you playing too loud?”

“Yeah,” Kai says and turns to Soobin to explain. “She apparently thinks she can tell people what to do in public spaces. I don’t even get why. It’s not like she or her family are important.”

“Baseless pride,” Beomgyu says, turning on his stomach as he texts. “Yeonjun will be here the next weekend. Soobin, you get seven minutes, Kai none this time. And no one tell Taehyun.”

“You’re so possessive,” Kai kicks his legs to lie in a more comfortable position. “I was surprised at how both my parents took my side. Mom even called that woman homophobic.”

Beomgyu makes an impressed look. “See, maybe coming out wasn’t that bad for you.”

“Yeah, she could do it to a stranger but not my own father,” Kai says with bitterness in his voice. “He basically didn’t say anything. He’d just back her up if she asked. It kills me honestly. The silence I get from him. I’d rather if he yelled at me or something.”

Beomgyu puts down the phone for a moment. “Yeah, but… he already did. The yelling turned to silence. Silence will gradually turn to him accepting you. Just wait. Barely any time passed.”

“How’d you do it?” Soobin asks. Kai seems surprised that it’s Soobin who asked. He never pushed much with that subject. “My mother said nothing about you. I wonder if she’d be the same with me.”

“What do you think?” Beomgyu asks. “You know your parents best.” He shifts now that his head is in Kai’s lap.

Soobin shrugs. “I was just wondering how Kai did it. I didn’t think about it.”

“Yes, you have,” Beomgyu says. “Everyone thinks about that. Friends are one thing. Friends are people close to you that you choose. If you had friends who didn’t accept you, you’d just find other friends. You can’t find another family.”

Soobin takes a moment to think about it. Beomgyu is right, and Beomgyu is always right about these things. He’s always thinking about it and helping – and Soobin feels helpless and useless.

“I just said it,” Kai answers, lowering his fingers in Beomgyu’s hair. “I didn’t even say something to soften it or to prepare them. I just said it. _I’m gay_. And that was it. I think they all stopped breathing. I did too.”

Beomgyu huffs loudly. “I envy you so much. I’m not close with my parents in the first place, so like I couldn’t even try.”

“Do you think you’re not close with them because they’re weird, or maybe because you always knew that’s something you couldn’t tell them?” Kai asks.

Beomgyu pouts. “Probably that… What about you, Soobin? Not to make any assumptions, but your parents seem really cool.”

“They are,” Soobin says. “Or they desperately try so. They weren’t always.” He’s embarrassed for a moment and he chuckles, but Kai and Beomgyu seem to be listening intently, waiting for more. And maybe he does feel comfortable telling them.

It’s one thing with Yeonjun who was there for everything.

And it’s another thing to tell someone relatively new, who doesn’t know that side of you. You have to say it, put it into words. He can’t just say _You know?_ and expect them to nod with understanding like Yeonjun does.

“They were never really particularly strict but I wasn’t really allowed to do anything. They were young when they had me, and despite that finished school and got jobs and… you know.” He shakes his head. “Anyway, sometime before I went to high school, they… started fighting. Probably because they were young and thought they shouldn’t be together. Yuna was too little to understand it but they wanted to get a divorce. Even lived separately. And used to shift me between houses.”

“That’s so shitty,” Beomgyu says quietly. “Making the kid suffer.”

“Yeah,” Soobin says scratching the back of his head. “I mean, I wasn’t a quiet kid, that’s for sure but since I lived in both places, it started with asking both of them for money, for gifts… But that wasn’t it. It was never what I needed, and it made me so angry. I was always so angry for no reason.”

“I wouldn’t say that’s no reason,” Kai says.

“No, I mean after. They got back together and were like… even better than before. I never hear them fight. They’re great parents, actually. At the time, they wanted to send me off to this youth institution? I’m not sure exactly what it is, but it sounded horrible especially since I was fifteen.”

“You mean like juvie?” Beomgyu asked.

“No!” Soobin laughs. “Your parents can’t just send you to juvie. I’m talking about a private kinda institution. No cellphones, no internet, just discipline and stuff like that.”

“That’s worse than military,” Beomgyu shivers. “I’ll go to military last date I have to. I’ll wait till the last moment to be sure no one is homophobic. My only athletic skill is fast running and if I go to military, I’ll have nowhere to run.”

Soobin laughs at how serious he looks even when Beomgyu tries to convince them he’s completely serious about it.

When he stops laughing, Kai turns to Soobin. “Even great people and cool parents can not accept you. It’s reasonable if you have doubts.”

Soobin shrugs, unsure. “They’re pretty chill, you’ve met them. They let me cool off on my own – and I did.”

“If that’s what you think,” Kai whispers and he and Beomgyu laugh like they’re laughing at an inside joke.

“Wh- why are you laughing? I did!”

“You get angry over everything,” Beomgyu says. “Not to the violent point, I guess, but you can’t hide anything. It pisses you off if your coffee isn’t made the exact way you want. So many things piss you off. Kudos for controlling yourself, though.”

“Well… I did attend a few anger management classes,” Soobin admits.

“What’s the stupidest thing you did?” Kai asks. “While you were wilding around, that is.”

Soobin thinks about it. “Other than the time Yeonjun and I beat up five kids and I took all the blame and it made the local newspapers and everyone thought I was insane and violent?”

“Yes, other than that,” Beomgyu says calmly.

“Yeonjun and I entered a school talent contest and won.”

“What!” Beomgyu sits up. “What did you do?”

Soobin can’t help but laugh. “Dance.”

“Dancing? You two danced? Together?”

“Listen, I was so cool. My senior danced with me…” Soobin swallows before he says it. “Modern ballet.”

As expected, Kai and Beomgyu throw a laughter fit, coughing and wiping their tears away, teasing with every word they can get out. It ends with Beomgyu video calling Yeonjun to laugh at him and Yeonjun getting mad at Soobin.

“Okay, okay, I get it. It’s funny. What’s the craziest thing _you_ did?” Soobin asks.

“Got a gay dating app on a phone that’s not allowed to have a password,” Beomgyu says but laughs after. “I was really playing with fire. But thank god I have, because you two would never have met each other.”

“What? Yes we would,” Kai says. “He was here all the time. And Yeonjun. You’re lucky Yeonjun didn’t think I was cute or else you’d never meet him.”

“Are you suggesting you’d date Yeonjun?” Beomgyu tilts his head. “I think _not_.”

“I think not too,” Soobin says, almost laughing at the thought. “You are not his type.” Not that Soobin knows Yeonjun’s type, but he can tell with Beomgyu.

Kai is opening his mouth, offended. “I am super cute!”

“Oh my god, I have a friend who thinks the same!” Beomgyu says and it takes Soobin a good few seconds before he realizes he’s the friend in question. Beomgyu laughs when he realizes it’s awkward, but shifts the conversation quickly. “Kai. What did you do? Except coming out.”

“I was a good kid,” Kai shrugs. “I don’t have many stories. I was just… playing my piano and studying and playing nicely like a good boy. And my sisters dressed me in their clothes but I never fought it much. I look good in red.”

“Bet you do,” Beomgyu teases. “But you must’ve done something, come on. No way you were a model student all the time.”

Corner of Kai’s lip curves as if he remembered something, but his face goes serious right after. “I’ll tell you, but you have to promise not to tell anyone. Ever.”

Soobin’s interest goes through the roof. Kai doing something bad? The worst thing Soobin’s seen him do is lie about his curfew.

“In middle school – and before that even – I was actually friends with Dongheon, Juwon,” he turns to Soobin, “That’s Junseo’s younger brother. We went to school together and played together and all. I was supposed to go to national competition and… I met Taehyun around that time. He was a friend of a boy… That I liked then.”

“Awww,” Beomgyu teases. “Wittle Kai liked a b-o-y!”

“Shut up,” Kai laughs. Soobin feels a sting of jealousy and it takes him full mental capacity to remind himself that was years ago. “That boy has moved away long time ago. Anyway, one day I was practicing and the boy was with me. Taehyun too. And we were joking around and the boy asked me to sing him a love song. So I said yes, okay. I chose a classical piece and joked around with the lyrics.”

Soobin feels like it won’t end well. Kai’s voice got quieter and ominous for some reason. He had a smile on his face, but it didn’t feel good, like he was actually smiling or remembering a fond memory.

“Taehyun and the boy were the ones who let me feel like I can tell anyone. So one of the lyrics included a word _gay_ which is unheard of, right…” He chuckles bitterly. “Not to Dongheon and the rest. They were there and heard it. The boy left, but Taehyun was there filming me while I was practicing so I could review later. Dongheon and company came in, started asking questions and I just didn’t deny.”

Kai plays with his fingers, not even the painful smile on his face. He’s just frowning, reliving it again and Soobin wants to stop him.

“Actually, what they did to me wasn’t even close to what they did to him. He was… small. Short and skinny, and wore braces,” Kai smiled only for a moment. “Weak. He moved away because of that, his parents didn’t want him to live here like that again and as for me… They thought it’d be funny to call me a f*g and close the fall board over my hands.”

Beomgyu gasps and Soobin covers his eyes. He can feel himself tremble.

“Is that how you got those scars?” Beomgyu takes Kai’s hands.

Kai only nods. “I couldn’t play in so long. And these three fingers here broke, and two here. And when I could play again, it wasn’t the same. It’s okay. It’s just a hobby now, anyway.”

“Fucking hell,” Soobin mumbles. “I’ll break _their_ fingers.”

“No need, actually,” Kai says. “Taehyun got the whole thing on his phone. If anyone saw what they did to me and then what the other boy looked like, that would be punishable by law. It was very… violent and there was blood and- They’re older now. The more time passes, they’re feeling safer but are also aware if I ever went to the police with it, the punishment would be more severe than if I did it when we were thirteen.”

Soobin remembers what Yeji told him. Kai blackmailing…

“Well, I guess I’m still doing that. Both Taehyun and me. Blackmailing, if you will. I don’t know where I get the bravery, but it’s saved me lots of times,” Kai says.

“No, it hasn’t!” Soobin says. “You need to get that video to the police so everyone will know the truth and they will be properly punished. They’re still bullying you and not leaving you alone!”

“Maybe,” Kai carefully agrees. “But if I did that and nothing happened, then I would not be safe. I have some more time in high school, you know. Before I can leave.”

“You can’t live your life in constant fear of them.”

“That’s what I’m saying! I’m not afraid of them. I just remind them a little and they cower back up. What they did in school the other day wasn’t even Dongheon and Juwon; it was that third dude and that’s why Dongheon and Juwon were so scared. They thought I’d tell everything.”

“So, you think telling on those two would do nothing because the third one wouldn’t be affected?”

“Yeah,” Kai says in a lower voice, looking down. “If those two went away and it was my fault… there’s still someone else. I don’t even know if that dude knows what happened or he just wanted to take Dongheon and Juwon’s verbal bullying to another level.”

“What’s his name?” Soobin asks.

“No!” Kai insists. “You’ll just get in trouble. He’s… his father is pretty strict and I’m sure he’ll calm down a bit after. Until then, please, don’t do anything. And don’t ask Yeji. Just… come here next Friday, too. I’ll have some time to hang out. Isn’t that enough?”

If he said no, it would mean that he prioritizes violence and revenge over just simply being with Kai which wouldn’t pass well. Beomgyu makes an offhand comment how he’d rather that Soobin beats them up but changes his mind when Kai reminds him Soobin would invite Yeonjun too.

Soobin does tell and Yeonjun and Yeonjun does get mad – but it’s a promise to Kai, _his_ Kai and he can’t do anything. He’s letting Kai do whatever and maybe he shouldn’t, but Kai’s doing good. He’s telling him not to fight, not to cause problems and maybe he and Kai have a different ways of dealing with things.

And that’s okay. He can live with that.

It bugs him every second of every day, but happy Kai is what he wants. He won’t risk everything he has with him just to beat up some kid.

No. He’s better. He’s gotten better. He’s better than that. Kai likes him when he’s being the bigger person and that’s enough.

* * *

Yeonjun is finally home. The summer break is here and Soobin feels calm.

Last summer, Yeonjun and he would buy some peanuts and go down to the Main Square. They’d joke around, listen to Kai play – even though for the longest time they didn’t even know his name.

Sometimes, they’d sit near the lamp post, on the ground, and just enjoy Kai’s playing without talking. It was calm, quiet.

But the calm he feels now is completely different. There’s no longer only Yeonjun – this time around, there’s Beomgyu and Taehyun with them. They no longer buy only peanuts; Beomgyu is quite the chips lover, Taehyun insists on diet coke and Kai likes to snack on gummy bears when he’s done.

Beomgyu is requesting a piggy ride to the store with Taehyun, there’s a fight that Yeonjun tries to stop and it’s rowdy, loud, attracting attention – and Soobin feels calm deep down. Like everything is in place. He’s exactly where he should be, and he’s surrounded by the best people he could wish for.

His sister gets money out of him and he pretends he’s mad but he’s really not. He hasn’t been angry in so long. Not even seeing the boys that made his blood boil does anything anymore. Avoiding them is a huge part is his inner harmony.

And for a moment there, he’s scared. Everything is too good to be true.

Or maybe not. Because there’s just one person in the world he has yet to call his.

“God, parents are scary,” Yeonjun makes a comment paying for the snacks with his own money. He’s saved up by working part-time while he’s away. He’s shaking his head lightly. “Want to share the big pack?”

“Sure. But I’m telling you, I would not like to see Dongheon’s father alone. He could break my spine.”

“You said he likes you,” Yeonjun shrugs.

“Yeah, but it was still weird. Kai tells me not to worry but…”

“Speaking of Kai,” Yeonjun says, handing Soobin the peanuts and the gummies. Soobin groans. “Hey! What’s with that reaction? I didn’t even say anything.”

“You were about to. Can you just drop it?”

“I’m just saying. His parents seem to have calmed down. Maybe it’s time to stop just staring at him.”

He feels blood rush to his cheeks and tips of his ears. “Shut up.”

“Toss me a peanut.” Soobin aims for Yeonjun’s open mouth and scores. “We still got it. Beomgyu can’t learn to catch for shit.”

“Can you guys be roommates when he moves to Seoul too?”

“Room- you really don’t listen to anyone but Huening. Asshole. He isn’t even going to the same university as me.”

“Eh?”

“He has other plans. But… at least he’ll be close by. I’m _sick_ of long distance.” There’s a short silence before he smiles at Soobin and he knows it’s coming again. “If you need help, I’ll help you. I’m so experienced in this stuff.”

“I’ve dated before, you know.”

Yeonjun rolls his eyes like that doesn’t matter. He turns to walk backwards and Soobin is ready for a lesson he hasn’t asked for. “Okay, first the atmosphere matters. When are you gonna do it? Let me help you: first you-”

Yeonjun is talking and Soobin looks away for a moment, maybe to save himself from embarrassment, maybe so Yeonjun would stop talking – but he sees Beomgyu running. And it takes him a moment to realize it’s Beomgyu, when he’s already close.

“Yeonjun. Beomgyu,” Soobin says and he feels shivers. Beomgyu’s expression isn’t promising and he stands, panting.

“It’s Kai.”

That’s all he says.

And Soobin know and hates himself for knowing, and hates the numbness and fear in his body.

Usually, he’ll run without thinking. No problems, no fear. So what if he gets hit, so what if he hurts someone else.

But it’s not just him anymore. He can’t not worry. And before he can clear his head, he’s running and Yeonjun is telling him something – but he’s not stopping him.

And the second Soobin sees Kai on the floor, he can’t think anymore. His legs move on their own, his vision is blurred and the only thing he pays attention to is to not touch Yeonjun or Kai.

He pushes and he hits. And doesn’t regret it.

All that stuff about his inner peace? Gone.

There’s only present time, and there’s only anger, in his mind, in every part of his body. Somewhere deep inside, and he gets it out, he punches and he doesn’t care.

Someone is calling him a slur, and he feels like he’s losing it. They’re asking for it. They’ve planned it. It was accidental, it wasn’t on a whim. They’ve planned to do this, and they were ready for Soobin to be there and to jump in.

Junseo is there for Soobin. He knows he’s not there for Kai. He’s older and his problem always lied with Soobin – and hearing recent events, he must’ve wanted revenge for his stupid little brother.

It’s because of him. They went after Kai because of Soobin, because they knew he’d be there and that he’ll jump in. And when Junseo hits him, the pain is immeasurable. He’s sure something is changed; his face hurts and he stumbles back in a daze.

But he barely can pay attention because he has to fight back. It’s a brass knuckle. And he gets scared. It’s a _weapon_. He’s mad, he’s entirely mad to bring it to a fight.

For the first time ever, he’s happy someone is pushing him away from a fight on time. It’s the police, and he’s still relieved. He gets a hit from the police when he tries going again and he falls down on his knees.

“They started it!” He hears Yeonjun yelling. “_He_ is _injured_. Do you _see_ him?” And Soobin looks at – Kai.

There’s a bruise forming under his eye and there’s blood next to his lip. It makes Soobin shiver and it gains him another hit from the police officer for ignoring him. “What’s your name!?” He yells at Soobin once more.

It hurts when he swallows. He looks up at the police officer. “Soobin. Choi Soobin.”

“_Me_ in handcuffs?” Yeonjun yells.

“Shut the fuck up!” A police officer yells at him.

Maybe he’s lost the track of time, because he sees his father’s car pull over and he and his mother are running out, not even locking it before.

“What in the world have you done?!” His father yells, calming his voice to talk to the police officer right away.

The terrified look on his mother’s face is what scares him the most. With a hand over her face, she’s squatting down and touching his face. He hisses, jerking away.

“Mother…”

“What have you done? Are you insane?”

“Please check up on Kai,” he says, and hears his voice breaking. “Please.”

“Are you insane?” She repeats. “I thought we were done with this!”

“Dad!” He cries out, when he can’t find Kai. “Dad, please! Kai did nothing, please help him! He has- he will tell you if you ask him. The video- he has it, dad please.”

His father is just looking at him, terrified. The sound of ambulance scares him like nothing before this happened. He can see people forming a circle around them, the boys yelling, the police officers trying to make sense, parents appearing.

But the ambulance makes him lose sense of everything. “Is it Kai? Is he alright? What’s going on? Let me see him, let me see him!” The tug on the handcuffs the police officer put on him hurt like hell, and he’s close to crying when he makes him stand up and walk.

“You should be worrying about yourself!”

“Soobin, stop!” He hears Taehyun but he can’t locate him. There’s too many people around him, the policemen, his father, and Yeonjun. But Yeonjun is trying to get away and Soobin gets shivers when the police officer hits him across face. Only then Yeonjun calms down, without bringing his eyes up again.

Yeonjun’s father is yelling. That’s why his head is down.

They’re putting him in a police car and all he can do is cry out to his father, “Please talk to Kai, please help him, dad, I beg you! Tell me if he’s alright, please, nothing else is important, please, please, please dad.” His head hits the edge of car door and the headache is piercing. The doctors didn’t even come near him.

Maybe he doesn’t look that injured.

The looks his father gives him is unreadable. Maybe surprised, maybe disappointed. And maybe full of realization.

“Hey! My whole body hurts I need medical attention I know my rights!” He yells at the police officers in the front, kicking around trying to get out. But the hands cuffed behind are restraining him and he regrets never learning how to get out.

“Of course your body hurts, you were in a fight. Cool the fuck down!”

“Cooling the fuck down” is a lot harder than it seems. He’s thrown into the same jail cell they’ve pushed Yeonjun in, taking off their cuffs. He is calmer, seeing things more clearly but his heart is still pounding, his body still hurts.

Yeonjun’s face has blood on it, and his hands are messed up. That much Soobin can see once they’re in.

“I will fucking kill him,” Yeonjun whispers, sitting down and hits his head too hard on the wall back.

The images go through Soobin’s face. Junseo, Dongheon, and three more boys. The ones who were in Kai’s school that time. Soobin, Yeonjun and Junseo being the only of age – and Junseo carrying a weapon.

Kai on the ground, Taehyun beat up, Beomgyu… has he seen Beomgyu? Did he have time to see him?

His hands are shaking. He hit the underage boys, he kicked them, but they did the same to him too. Does it count? Can it count? Yeonjun was in that fight, too. There was no way for Soobin to take the blame this time around.

His hands are shaking and now that the adrenaline rush is over, his knuckles hurt like hell. He’s afraid to move his fingers.

Their heads jerk up when they hear officers speaking. “Put him in the other one otherwise they’ll jump on each other.”

And Junseo is being pushed. He’s serious, blood smeared under his nose and bruises forming.

“Fucking asshole!” Soobin jumps to the jail bars, hitting them all of a sudden. It startles the police officer too. “Bringing brass knuckles into a fight? Fight me without them when we get out if you dare! I fucking dare you!”

“We’ll see about that!”

“You won’t be walking next time!” Yeonjun joins in.

“Hey! Quiet down there!” The officer yells in a deep, trenchant voice. Soobin takes a step back, afraid they’d hit him again. “You will fight no one! I don’t want a word heard here! You’re adults and yet your parents are there taking the blame. Shame on you! I’ll get back to you!”

“Fuck,” Yeonjun whispers, touching Soobin’s shoulder to make him take few steps back to sit down. “Ignore him, Soobin. Please. It’s over.”

“What did he do to Kai?” Soobin asks. “I couldn’t see him. Why was the ambulance there? How badly is he hurt?”

“He’s not- he’s fine. I’m sure he’s just beat up good.”

“Fuck!” Soobin yells punching the wall and regrets it. His eyes fill with tears from the pain. “Fuck. Fuck.”

“Listen to me. We were just defending ourselves, Kai, and Taehyun. They won’t charge us with anything. He’s the one who brought weapons. He’s in deeper shit than us.”

Soobin envies Yeonjun for being able to think clearly.

“Keep dreaming!” Junseo is yelling back from his cell. “You probably broke a minor’s hand, Yeonjun. _You_ are the one who’s in deep shit. I didn’t _touch_ Huening.”

“Come here if you’re so bad!” Yeonjun snaps and Soobin can’t blame him. The anger rises in him again and his fists hurt when he moves his fingers. He can’t do anything. He’s not sure he can get up now.

“They planned it,” Soobin whispers. “Do you know… your minor friends are all in much deeper shit than we are?”

“Because of some stupid videos Huening claims to have? He’s _bullshitting_.”

“We will see,” Soobin says, ironically chuckling. Not too long ago Kai said he still has it.

“What videos?” Yeonjun asks.

“Of his little brother breaking Kai’s fingers,” Soobin says and it pains him to say it out loud. “If he’s missing one hair on his head…”

“You’ll do _what_?” Junseo cuts in. “You, with violent history, a messed up kid _and_ a homo?”

“Well this homo beat you up quite a few times.”

He can see from there in the darkness of Junseo’s cell how he widens his eyes, and looks away.

“No words, huh?” Soobin laughs. “Maybe I’m making him uncomfortable.”

“You’ll burn in hell.”

“And you’ll not?”

“Stop talking to him!” Yeonjun tells Soobin, throwing a look at Junseo. “Soobin. Please. Look at me.”

“Wait, wait, wait. So who’s your boyfriend? The Huening kid or is it you two? You were always awfully close.”

“Ignore him!” Yeonjun says before Soobin can answer. “Soobin. Talk to me. Do your hands hurt?”

It takes him a moment again. “Yeah. Like hell.”

“It will pass,” Yeonjun whispers. “What’s gonna happen? With your parents?”

Soobin shrugs and feels his eyes fill with tears once more. “I honestly… I don’t know. They’re either gonna take my side or go absolutely crazy. Ah. Speaking of-”

He looks to the lighted hall, hearing his mother’s voice already. She’s yelling at the police officers who are trying to calm her down.

“Ma’am, you can’t go in there.”

“The hell I can’t! He’s my son! Give me five minutes with him!”

“If you’ve called your lawyer you should sit down and wait until he arrives-”

“My husband can wait on his own just fine! Let me through!”

“Officer Kang, please let the lady.”

“But-”

“It’s just a kids’ fight.”

He sits back up properly when his mother walks in after the officer who shoved him in the car and slapped him the first time. Her eyes are flaming and she’s checking out Soobin’s injuries as he unlocks the doors.

“Kids’ fight,” she scoffs past the officer, giving him a look but she doesn’t seem to have any empathy for Soobin. She just stands there but one officer is left outside the cell. Probably can’t leave. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

“They were hurting Kai.”

“Someone had already called the police. Where was your brain? To jump into the fight, to do.. _that_?”

“We just wanted to protect our friends,” Yeonjun says but she lifts up her palm like she isn’t talking to Yeonjun right now.

“Why did you do this?” His mother asks, yelling but her voice breaks. She’s close to crying. “Wasn’t it you who came into my study, and what did you tell me? That you’re done? That you’ll find yourself a job and get yourself in order, was it? You _promised_ me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t accept your apology! You’re not a fucking kid anymore, Soobin! I can’t be responsible for you. You answer to your mistakes like an adult. And right now? You have beating up minors in your record.”

He doesn’t know how to answer. She’s right.

“You too,” she looks at Yeonjun. “Your father is losing his mind. Do you want to lose your scholarship? Do you two ever _think_?!”

Yeonjun doesn’t say anything. He looks away.

“Your father will do his best to help you. But your father isn’t a miracle worker. He doesn’t have a magic wand to wave to get people to let you off.”

“He doesn’t have to,” Soobin whispers. “I asked him to help Kai, not me.”

“Kai?!” She yells, outrageous. “In this situation you’re worried what happens to Kai? His parents will worry about him! I thought meeting that boy changed you for the better, but you’re even worse. And Beomgyu? That sweet kid you’d bring home doing stuff like that? _Who_ the hell are your friends?”

_Stuff like that?_ He doesn’t even remember seeing Beomgyu do anything. Yeonjun’s face tells him he knows.

“They did nothing wrong,” Soobin says. “It was just me.”

“And me,” Yeonjun adds.

“I see,” his mother nods. “You two don’t even realize what kind of mess you made. There’s blood on the pavement. What kind of fight does it have to be for blood to stay behind like that?”

She’s quiet for a moment.

“I don’t know what to with you. I have no ways left to help you. And you will never change.”

The sadness and disappointment in her voice piercers right through his heart. He didn’t want this. To make his mother sad, to make anyone suffer. If only they never dared to come out. Coming out…

“Also, I’m gay.”

There’s a dead silence. Not even some tapping from Junseo’s cell that could be heard. The officer turns around to look at Soobin. Yeonjun looks terrified, but Soobin isn’t taking his eyes off his mother.

“Are you crazy!?” Yeonjun breaks the silence first.

Soobin takes a deep breath. “It feels good to say it. If I’m disappointing you, it’s better to say it all now than to have you survive new shocks.”

“Are you fucking with me?” She asks. “What did I do to you to deserve this? What did I _do_?! How much longer are you going to _punish_ us for our mistakes?”

Soobin laughs without humor in his voice. “You think I’m punishing you by being gay?”

“You have completely lost your mind. I’m shipping you off to army. It’s time you learn _discipline_.”

His heart beats faster for a moment. Army? “You think I have a choice?” He raises his voice. “You think I do it to punish you? Why do you think they picked a fight with me? Do you think I’d go around telling people I’m gay to get beat up? Because that’s the only thing I get? Do you really think I _choose_ that?”

“I don’t care,” she says. “You are sick!”

It hits him harder than any punch Junseo threw that afternoon.

“That program you avoided when you were fourteen… You’re going now. I don’t care that you’re not a minor. You’re going now. I’ve had it up to here with you!”

“Wh- No!” He yells, jumping on his feet. “Mom, no! Please, no, no, no, you can’t do that!”

He can’t reach her because she’s out and the officer is slapping in the door in his face. She doesn’t turn away.

Soobin takes his head in his hands, terrified. “What did I just do…? Yeonjun- Yeonjun?”

“No way. She’s just angry,” Yeonjun stands in front of him, taking his hands. He’s sitting down on the floor, not feeling the pain from the impact. “Listen to me. She won’t send you there. She won’t. She’s just angry. You came out at the worst time possible. She thinks you’re spiting her. Your father won’t let that happen. Mine neither.”

Soobin looks up at him, but barely sees him. “And if- if she sends me there? What then?”

“She won’t. She won’t.”

“What the fuck? Send you where?” Junseo is asking from his cell and the officer is looking at Soobin like he’s waiting for an answer as well. Yeonjun moves so he’s in the way of Soobin’s view of Junseo’s cell.

“If she does it… I’ll give you the keys to my dorm. You go there, and we’ll figure out what’s next. You’re not going to that shithole. I don’t care.”

“Can you believe… my psychiatrist suggested to her that I go there?” Soobin asks. “I thought she forgot, she wouldn’t-”

“I am not letting that happen. You hear me? It’s not happening.”

* * *

He didn’t run away. He might’ve ended up on house prison – orchestrated by his parents – along with a silent treatment and looks full of disappointment and contempt but he’s home.

His injuries healed. He’s healthy – jobless, for the mess he’s caused. He’s twenty. He should be able to leave.

But there’s still that feeling in him. It’s his family. They’re his parents. He can’t do that. Just leave.

What would he do anyway? Where could he go so they don’t find out? And with what money?

The secret detention center or whatever his mother wants to call it… She’s gasped like she’s offended he’d even think that when he mentioned conversion therapy. At least she’s got that much common sense.

“What kind of mother you think I am?” She asks. Her voice is so harsh, he believes she’d throw the soup in his face. “It is for your own good.”

“Usually homophobic parents think conversion therapy is for the good of their kids,” Yuna chimes in.

“Do you want to be sent to your room?” Their father asks. She shuts her mouth. “It is not conversion therapy. There is nothing…” He vaguely gestures. “To be converted about you.”

“Thanks,” Soobin whispers but his mother doesn’t seem to agree too much.

“Tell me something. Were you dating that Kai kid?” His mother asks, but she can’t even look at him as she does.

His getting pissed off, but it’s easy to do that when he’s not allowed to do anything. He feels like he finally understands Kai from the time he came out to his parents.

“Do you think gay people date all other gay people or…?” He asks.

“Are you sure?” His father asks.

“I’d remember dating someone!” He raises his voice and stands up, taking his plate with him. “I’m done. Just tell me what to pack and… I’ll walk to the airport or something.”

He’s not sure if his parents know what that place is. If it’s conversion therapy – you bet he’s running away.

But the internet says the following: A place in the woods (totally safe!), no internet or technology (god help him), just hard work and discipline.

Usually for minor kids instead of normal detention facilities, but this is also for people who want to take a break. _You’re allowed to walk away at any given time._

And it’s expensive as fuck. So that’s another burden he has to carry.

Kai… He’s alright. That’s how much his father has told him.

Apparently, the video very much exists but for some reason, it might not be that plausible. It’s blurry and is it really Dongheon? It’s hearsay. And it pisses the hell out of him.

Kai should get his justice.

He’s tried to come there and see Soobin a few times, and he’s been let in only once when his mother wasn’t home. He didn’t stay for long, just a few minutes, and he looked sad - to even be put in a situation where he has to thank Soobin for it.

“Are you really gonna go to that place?” He asked him, and then his voice got lower. “Yeonjun said that-”

“Kai. I’m gonna go. Willingly. But rest assured,” he said before Kai can protest. “I’ll get out if it’s breaking any of my basic human rights.”

“Internet is a human right.”

“That I’m willingly giving up.”

“For what?” Kai snapped, frowning at him. “You think your mother will suddenly stop being homophobic if you spend some time in a forest without your phone?”

“You know that’s not the only reason.”

“I know,” Kai said conciliatory. “Your anger management thingy- Whatever.”

Soobin smiled a bit. “It’s time I get it under control. Completely.”

And he hasn’t seen Kai ever since. He’s packing his stuff the way Yuna told him she saw in a YouTube tutorial, and she’s helping him. She’s talking the whole time, about all the details she’s found about the place.

The more he hears about it, the more it seems like his parents are sending him off to rest – both for him, and them, to get a rest from him. And he has to be a really bad kid for his parents to need a break from him.

There’s a knock on the door. It’s his father with his phone in hand.

“I thought… Maybe you’d like to let your friends know when you plane takes off.”

Soobin takes the phone, and he’s grateful – but he isn’t sure he wants them to be there.

“And remember…”

“It’s better if I don’t tell them where it is,” Soobin says. His father just lightly nods and exists. Yuna’s expression is too sad for him not to hug her. “Don’t worry about me, tiny.”

“I’ll always worry about you.”

* * *

“I’m going to miss you so damn much!” Yeonjun is full on crying and it’s a little embarrassing because it’s making him want to cry too. He’s already made Yuna cry.

“Please stop crying.”

“But I’m going to miss you!” He sobs. Yuna laughs.

“Hey! Is he my brother or yours?”

“Mine!” Yeonjun clings, wetting Soobin’s shirt and the jacket. “I feel like I raised you, and now I have to let you go.”

“Dramatic kid,” Soobin’s mother says on the side. “He’s not dying, he’ll be just fine.”

Yeonjun’s grip on Soobin’s hand gets tighter for a moment. He’s mad they’re doing this, but he doesn’t say anything.

“Soobin…”

“I didn’t finish with him, do you mind?” Yeonjun cuts Yuna off.

“Looks like we’re not the only ones here to say goodbye.”

And there he is. His hair long, awkward smile on his face. Beomgyu and Taehyun are with him, and Yeonjun hits Soobin’s shoulder. “Sorry, I told them. You don’t have the time to be mad at me for it.”

Soobin wonders for a moment why they aren’t moving, but seems like they won’t come closer because of his parents. So he lets go of Yeonjun and walks up to them.

“Asshole,” Beomgyu says. “You didn’t want us to know. You’d just go without saying goodbye? Look, we made you snacks for the road.”

“You mean for the flight,” Taehyun corrects him. “And _I_ made them.”

“Thank you,” Soobin smiles taking the small box from them. It smells burnt.

“We’re gonna miss you. And if you want to run away, we got your route ready,” Taehyun says. “Just find a way to call us. I’ll be available at all times. Conversion therapy is violation of your human rights.”

“That’s- I hope you get into a good law school,” Soobin says. Taehyun smiles and goes for a hug.

“I want a hug too,” Beomgyu says. “Please… I’ll accept even letters.”

Soobin laughs aloud. “I’m pretty sure that’s not allowed but I’ll try to sneak you a postcard.”

He takes a deep breath looking at Kai. This is why he didn’t want to invite them. This is the hardest part, the only part that’s making him rethink this decision. Staying for Kai doesn’t sound like a crazy idea at all.

“Right, let’s go say hi to… Yeonjun.” Beomgyu pulls Taehyun away and Soobin would smile, but there’s something heavy over his chest. He’s finding trouble breathing.

“Last chance to change your mind.”

“You sound too convincing.”

Kai laughs, but it’s gone soon. “Nothing will be same without you. I will… probably cry a lot.”

“Please don’t,” Soobin says. “I have- I have to do this. It’s for the best. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay and be here properly for you. Be _with_ you.”

Kai nods. “I’m sorry too. All you had to do is ask.”

“Don’t do this now. Don’t make it harder to walk away.”

“Please don’t walk away from me,” Kai says, with eyes full of tears and his voice weak, pleading. “I don’t care how long you’re gone. I will wait for you. I promise. I won’t go anywhere, I won’t be- I won’t be with anyone else. Just come back to me.”

Soobin takes his hand and pulls him in for a hug. He’s his height, but he looks small as he buries his nose in Soobin’s neck. Soobin pats his hair, holding himself back from crying. “Just… live your life while I’m gone.”

Kai hits his side but Soobin doesn’t feel it much because of the jacket. “I will live my life… _and_ wait for you.”

“Isn’t that romantic?” Soobin laughs.

Kai sobs once and Soobin’s heart breaks. “I hate you for doing this. I hate you so much.”

“Soobin!” His mother isn’t too happy with what she’s seeing and Soobin knows it’s time for him to advance alone anyway.

“I have to go,” Soobin whispers. Kai is wiping his tears away as he pulls back. “We’ll see each other again one day. I promise.”

“I… I made you something. Don’t open it just yet.” Kai gives him a piece of folding paper, sealed at the side so it stays closed. “This isn’t a goodbye, okay? This is a _See you later_.”

“Then…” Soobin takes a step back. “See you later, Kai.”

“See you l…” And he can’t finish the sentence, breaking Soobin’s heart.

* * *

He’s in the plane next to a woman with a nice perfume. The flight attendant is listing all the rules in case of emergency and Soobin is staring at the simple white paper Kai’s given him. There’s a _For Soobin_ in the lower right corner, but nothing else.

He can’t erase the look on his face from his mind. He was the reason for Kai’s sadness, and if he hated himself for it, he had to endure.

He isn’t sure if he should be doing this, if he should open it but he breaks the seal and opens it.

It’s a piece of paper with text, written in pretty, neat handwriting. For a moment, he thinks it’s a letter but then music starts playing. It startles him and he closes the paper, but then again carefully opens it.

A small glued metal part is producing the sound.

It’s the song, Kai’s song. His favorite one, the one he plays every time without miss. It’s loud, but he doesn’t care. And the text…

The title says _Nap of a Star_, and instead of letter as he expected, there’s lyrics. Every single word, readable and right in front of him.

And for some reason, he knows it. He knows the lyrics, the knows what words will be sang next and he cries.

He cries even when the song is over, even when the lady next to him asks him if he’s okay. He cries into his hands and wishes he wasn’t on a plane full of people.

He cries every time he plays it, even if he interrupts other people. He only stops playing it once the sounds starts skipping and the battery is running out.

He feels so loved, it’s overwhelming. He’s alone, he’s going to be alone and estranged but… he’s got people waiting for him. And he’s got love waiting for him.

He loves Kai so much it hurts, he wishes to turn around and cancel everything. He should’ve stayed, he should’ve been there for him always. Stopped being a coward, maybe realized his feelings a bit earlier.

But it’s late for that right now.

He isn’t sure Kai will still be there waiting when he’s back, but he hopes he will. Because the moment he’s out, he’ll go search for him. He will get himself in order, and be the best person for Kai. The one who he deserves. He will do everything, for Kai.

He will come back to him. After all, he promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I'm so sorry this took so long, I planned on finishing this quickly but life happened.
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this work, and if you did please leave me comments, asks or tell me on Twitter. I really appreaciate you taking time to read this and if you love it, then it was worth it!! 
> 
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+[curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/monsteralive)

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed it! Don't be afraid to reach out to me on Twitter or ask anything!  
Thank you for reading 💛💙
> 
> +[twitter](https://twitter.com/rlavus)  
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